Hey Sportsfans — it's time for Week 9 of baseball Power Rankings: It may be Tuesday, but still thought about how much we dislike your favorite team 8 Days a Week. Also pool side blackjack is now my favorite part of Las Vegas. John Fisher, please ignore.
Every voter has their own style / system and the only voting instructions are these:

"To an extent determined individually, you must take into account how strong a team is right now and likely to be going forward. You must, to some degree, give weight to the events and games of the previous week."

TRANSPARENCY: This link will show you who voted each team where and has added neat statistics!
New Voter Chance: Are you a fan of the Dodgers? Why? We have a new voter oppening. Please see the info in threa ddetails that will be posted shortly and a link added here. when up.
If something is a little messed up, feel free to pester me let me know.
Total Votes: 28 of 29. So close.

#		Team	Δ	Comment	Record
1		Rays	0	Everyone's favorite myliobatiformes played another good week of baseball with the return of Tyler Glasnow. The Rays took an exciting series against the Dodgers after recharging during a weird mid-series rest day against the Blue Jays. Wander Franco is making his case to be starting SS in the All-Star Game, just make sure you don't accidentally vote for one of his brothers. It's still super weird to watch the offense carry while the bullpen struggles, but with guys coming back it should be f--, wait, Fairbanks is hurt again.	39-17
2		Rangers	+1	Series wins against both the Pirates and Orioles the last week has the club holding the 3rd best overall record in the majors. Go Stars. We're still having fun.	34-19
3		Braves	-1	3-4 last week and we started this week off with a loss against the Oakland "Triple A's" which is not good Bob. On the VERY brightside, we saw Soroka pitch from an MLB mound for the first time in almost 3 years. He pitched well and we need him to perform as we are absolutely depleted by injuries. Riley is starting to come to life. We hold a 4 game lead on the scond place MARLINS. Our division doesn't want to take advantage of our recent struggles, that's fine by me.	32-22
4		Dodgers	+1		33-22
5		Orioles	-1	A few weeks ago, I said if the Orioles can go at least .500 in May then they are for real. They wrapped up a winning month yesterday and have three games to go. They continue to play well, even though they lost the series against the Rangers, and seem to play better away from Camden Yards. They did, however, send Grayson Rodriguez down this week to AAA. He just has some stuff to figure out. He was getting crushed in his past few starts, and it was the right move to make. This solidifies the fact they need a frontline starter if they are going to make a serious push to get to and make noise in the post-season.	34-20
6		Astros	0	Jose Abreu finally hit a home run. All is right with the world. Unless the world's name is Lance McCullers Jr., who had another discomforting setback and we have no idea when we will see him this year. I still blame his hair. Anyway, our other Jose hit a grand slam at MMP this weekend. Where have we heard that before?	31-22
7		Yankees	0	It certainly would’ve been nice to take 2/3 from Baltimore, but it’s very hard to be mad at the Yankees’ month of May. Since May 1, the Yankees are 18-9, a huge turnaround from a .500 April. As we enter the dog days of summer, the top of the AL East is tightening up, but the Yankees don’t face either of the teams ahead of them again until July. The Yankees have to keep playing at this pace, and a Stanton (and maybe Rodon??) return could seriously help that.	33-23
8		D-Backs	+1	The Diamondbacks had a decent week, barely missing out on a sweep of the Phillies before dropping a series to the Red Sox. The offense gets on base but has been allergic to driving in RISP, and the starting rotation continues to be a merry-go-round, as none of the rookie pitchers on the team seem to be able to string together several good starts in a row without getting blown up once or twice.	31-23
9		Blue Jays	+1	The Jays' first series win since May 14th pulled us out of a bad-vibes tailspin the likes of which this fanbase hasn't seen since, well, the last time everybody freaked out over a losing streak. The usual suspects' continued confounding slow starts (Manoah, Kirk, Varsho, etc) have dropped us 10 games back from TB, last place in the best division in baseball. And YET, hope springs. Berrios (3 or fewer ER in 8 of his last 9 starts) finally appears to be pitching to the level expected of him when he was signed, and is pumping out quality starts along with Gausman and Bassitt. Kikuchi has slipped as Kikuchi does but has been very solid for a #5. We don't have the depth to send Manoah down for some needed alone time, but he's pushing it. Vladdy has been scuffling, Springer is heating up, and Bichette is an MVP candidate. With a little bit of lucky regression to the mean with abysmal RISP numbers, this team is just a few turns away from being very good. As long as we don't have to play too many games vs AL East teams. That should be fine.	28-26
10		Twins	-2		28-26
11		Mariners	+4	Just what the doctor ordered - 6-1 in the homestand so far. Some momentum is just what this team needs before two big series with teams they're chasing for playoff spots. If the M's can handle business over the next week, they'll be right back in the thick of it. Bryce Miller, do your thing. Up next: 3 vs. Damn Yankees, 3 @ Globe Life ParkFieldStadiumGardensArenaDomewhatever they're calling it these days	28-26
12		Red Sox	-1	Scoring four runs total while getting swept by the Angels isn't a great look. This team is in many ways aggresively mediocre, always making sure that every win streak is followed up by an equally painful gut-punch. This is mainly due to the reliance on the offense to carry us to victory (2-17 when scoring <=3 runs), when the bats get cold, you're safe to turn off the game. Whitlock returning from injury and Bello/Sale both stepping up their game in May (2.74/2.42 ERA respectively) are good steps towards this team becoming Actually Good™ though. We'll see what June brings us...	28-25
13		Brewers	-1	Taking two of three from the Astros was nice. Barely avoiding a sweep from the Giants was not so sweet. Milwaukee has some issues with hitting in "close" situations. The Brewers either lose after having multiple opportunities to tie it up, or get absolutely blown out.	28-25
14		Angels	0	Did I travel out of state and all the way to Anaheim just to watch the team get swept by the Marlins? Perhaps. Was that objectively worse than what the Reds voter is going through? It's impossible to say.	29-26
15		Mets	-2	The Mets, who I proclaimed to be "good at baseball" last week, ended up dropping 2 of 3 against the Cubs and doing the same against the Rockies. I just don't know what to believe anymore. The only thing I know for sure is that Francisco Alvarez has got that fucking dawg in him, he's GOATed, he's him, he's on fleek, he's poggers, he's a proper legend, he's got an .885 OPS, he's a top bloke, he's got swag, he's fresh, he's Gen Z Mike Piazza, he's lit, he's making me feel old because he was born after 9/11, he's Francisco Alvarez.	27-27
16		Gigantes	+4	The Giants won yesterday, but strictly talking about last week, they went 5- 2 on an extremely acceptable road trip without any off days. Defeating two competent teams like the Twins and Brewers should feel good. On both losses, they gave up 7 runs, on every win they gave up 3, 1, or 0 runs. So, they threw two games out of 7 – that’s allowed. In the bad news department, Joc, Joey, and Thairo all not expected back until June 6th. I think we’re okay with more Bailey Patrick and this also means another look at unpredictable slugger David Villar. Slater continues covering for Joc. Let’s look a the numbers: 13th in MLB in Run Diff (+6 spots), 12th in RS / G (+6), 15th in RA / G (+2), 23rd in Bullpen ERA (+5). All of that is good and especially the bullpen is promising recently. The Giants continue at home vs the Pirates and wrap the homestand with 3 against our orange and black brothers in Baltimore.	28-26
17		Pirates	-1	Would I have been happy to learn on Opening Day that the Pirates would be around .500 at the end of May? Yes. But if you told me they got there after starting 20-8 I would be pretty disappointed. Here's hoping the pendulum swings the other way in June.	26-27
18		Marlins	+3	Yet another appearance of sweepy, the meme that was promised. After a rough series against the rox, we sweep the angels to settle into the third NL wild card spot. Our starting pitching is coming along after a bumpy start to several of our starters. Eury perez is gonna be a stud, just wanna remind yall. Also, shout out to Jorge Soler, who has been crushing baseballs the last week and change. In other miami sports related news, boston is the first city ever to lose two game 7s at home in both the NHL and NBA playoffs in the same year. Go Heat and go Panthers!	28-26
19		Phillies	-2	After losing 2 to the Diamondbacks and going down 5-0 in the 3rd game, the Phillies season looked as bleak as it could in late May while only being 4 games under .500. However, the team rallied and Trea Turner tied it in the 9th before going onto win it in 10. Then, they went down to Atlanta and split a 4 game series. It could've gone far worse. The Phillies most pressing need is now seemingly a 5th starter who isn't a guaranteed loss, as this week they trotted out Dylan Covey, who hadn't started a game since 2019. He got 2 outs and gave up 7 runs. He took the spot of Bailey Falter who, after a surprisingly productive 2022, started the season 0-7. Falter is the far better option, but Dave Dombrowski will likely be looking to upgrade until Andrew Painter can finally return. This week, the NL East road trip continues with their first 3 games against the Mets and 3 in Washington. Here's hoping June Schwarber shows up again this year.	25-28
20		Padres	-1	My Dad tells me it’s ok that the Dad’s lost 2 / 3 to NY; the Dodgers lost 2 / 3 to the Rays! The Pads aren’t in the same stratosphere as the Dodgers right now, though. 5 games under .500, 10th in the NL standings, 3 games out of the last wildcard slot. Of course there’s quite a bit of time to change it, there’s plenty of time to go on a run, or a slow and steady good month to gain ground. With every day that passes however, that goal becomes a bit harder to reach; I don’t think Pads fans were hoping for a wildcard spot by the end of this season, but that’s the position the team has to get to before even thinking of catching LA. The Padres are 4th in the NL West, and only a half game out of last.	24-29
21		Cardinals	-3	2-2 @ CIN; 1-2 @ CLE; 0-1 v KCR; another struggle week for the Cards. The fandom's been a bit kneejerk because of two good weeks before this. Their mistake. I'll say it a third time, the Cards playing at or beyond their expected level doesn't change the rotten FO. Yeah Marmol's pretty close to being fired, that's not a fix when the problem is John Mozeliak.	24-32
22		Tigers	+2	The most fun part of this past week has been watching the resurgence of Akil Baddoo. His energy is infectious and adds an exciting dimension to the lineup. As we head into the last few days of May, Baddoo has sported a .302/.405/.508 slash and a 155 wRC+ this month. Although he's still been hitting mostly in the 6 hole, if this keeps up he might find himself much higher in the order real soon. This week: 2 more vs. TEX and 3 at CWS.	25-27
23		Guardians	0	The Guardians won a series this week. I would like to see them win some games by more than one run, but it's clear this season, we have to take what we get.	24-29
24		Cubs	-2	Another terrible week for the Cubs, as a promising series win against the Mets was followed up by an embarrassing sweep against the Reds. The starting rotation was terrible, and the bullpen was somehow worse. Fans have had enough of David Ross, and Jed Hoyer is starting to come under pressure. Barring a dramatic turnaround, the Cubs will be sellers for the 3rd trade deadline in a row	23-30
25		Reds	+1	Okay guys, I’m here to be calm this week. I have been told by my wife’s attorney, Tom, that they are “aware” of my online activity regarding our impending divorce, so today let’s have a nice, calm, relaxing, perfectly fine, good old fashioned talk about Reds baseball. The Reds are just sorta middling. They’re not great but they’re not horrible. Unlike my marriage. Our starting pitching has resgressed, just like my marriage, and it’s very unfortunate to see, because our bullpen has been quite reliable unlike my wife. We still can’t hit home runs for some reason, but overall unlike my marriage the Reds on the upturn. There, are you happy Tom? I didn’t mention all the crap that’s been going on lately. I didn’t mention how I had to leave the Motel 6 I was at because I found a used needle in the bathroom, and by the way Tom, I know that you’re trying to use that as evidence that I can’t take care of my kids. I don’t even know who’s needle it was, it was like wedged behind the toilet. Believe me, I only found it because I dropped my phone while using the toilet. It wasn’t even visible, I had to like get on my hands and knees and crawl behind the toilet to grab my phone. So it puts the image in my head of some heroin addict or whatever sitting behind a toilet at a Motel 6 trying to get high, which honestly that just seems like an even worse situation than the one i’m in. Do I think it’s a coincidence that the day after I left the Motel 6 because of this, you’re requesting a drug test from me before I can see my kids? Huh Tom? How did you know about this incident Tom? The only people that know are the Motel 6 staff I notified, I don’t think any police showed up, so either you questioned them like i’m some criminal, or you’re following me. I know you’re reading this Tom, you’ve made several references to my posts on the baseball power rankings insinuating it’s me writing them, and yeah Tom you’re right it is me, can everybody in the comments give praise to Tom for being a regular Sherlock Holmes? Yeah everybody come on, Congratulations Tom! You’re the man! I’m gonna let you go home and fuck my sister, oh wait Tom I forgot, YOU ALREADY ARE. When you get home tonight tell Caitlin her brother says hi. Alright, I think I got that out of my system. Anyway, I think once more of our prospects are called up, probably around June or July, we may get hot and finish more closely to .500 than initially thought, and if this division stays like it is, and those prospects can deliver on their promise, it's entirely possible we could be in contention for the division. But a lot of this is gonna depend on if our Starting Rotation can get things back under control. Also we swept the Cubs so lol.	24-29
26		Nationals	-1	Week after week, I expect this Nats team to take a nose dive. I expect them to crumble and slip into a double-digit losing streak but it just isn't happening. They lead the NL in batting average (.267), are third in OBP (.330) and have the lowest strikeout rate in MLB. They still have their own troubles, but this team is alive (4 games out of a WC spot)	23-31
27		Rockies	+1	I don't have time to write a real blurb this week so you don't have to print this. Actually, you probably don't read these, I'm not sure anyone really reads them anyways besides the Reds guy's life breaking down, and this will probably get printed regardless.	24-31
28		White Sox	-1	Liam is back. I can't overstate how great that is to hear. He is one of the best people in the game and it's nothing short of amazing for him to be pitching in May. If you missed it, it was recently revealed that he had stage 4 lymphoma, not an early stage. He started treatment just over 3 months ago! Nothing on the field matters for this team, but at least there's that silver lining.	22-34
29		Royals	0	As of the time that this blurb is being written (Monday at 11:39 AM), only two teams in the majors have a record below .400. Yup, the Royals are there with the A's. I suppose the positive is that the team figured out that they can get rid of useless players in Hunter Dozier, but they still have a lot more work to do.	17-38
30		Atléticos	0	The A's have given up 10+ runs in a game 7 more times than they've won. It's a mix of bad roster building (the bullpen), under-preforming vets (Ramon Laureano 74 wRC+, Tony Kemp 38 wRC+), injuries (Seth Brown and Paul Blackburn are just now returning), and no fans in the stands since 2019. It's soul crushing to watch and the national media's constant condecention toward this particular poor team and it is even more annoying this year.	11-45

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/WhiskeyGinger99 in TrueOffMyChest and relationship_advice
trigger warnings: infidelity, emotional abuse, potential animal abuse
mood spoilers: hopeful
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Note: OOP posted twice the first day, once in relationship_advice and once in TrueOffMyChest. The update was posted in TrueOffMyChest
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Post #1, in relationship_advice:
My(24f) boyfriend (24m) of 4 years has been cheating for 6 months. - May 14, 2023
So I'm on mobile and this is all very fresh so I apologize for any spelling errors or formatting issues.
Basically what the title says. I woke up yesterday to a text from the other woman (she found my facebook) telling me everything. She didn't know I even existed, but as soon as she learned he had a girlfriend she came right to me. I was just fucking sick, I kept telling myself this couldn't be real. That my baby wouldn't do this to me, that he loves me. But it was all true. She showed me the evidence and when I confronted him he didn't even try to deny it. Just made some lame ass excuses like "I was depressed" and "We had common interests".
This piece of shit laid in bed next to me every night, reassuring me that I was loved and he wouldn't ever hurt me. I've been so insecure for weeks now that something was gonna happen, that things in my life never stay good this long. Well, I was sure as shit right. He was doing us both in the same day just to try to keep up his lies. Now both the other woman and I have to get STD tests cause I don't believe him when he says we were the only ones.
I don't know how to move on from this. I kicked him out and I won't be taking him back, but how do I ever learn to trust again? He was my entire world, every aspect of my life is tainted by his memory. If someone who had dedicated himself to me for so long would do this, then how can I trust someone I just met?
I don't even have many guy friends cause he was too insecure, I had to be ultra modest and couldn't really hang out with guys. I don't even like the way I look anymore because all I see is how the other woman is prettier, skinnier, has a flat belly. Idk I'm just rambling at this point.
TL;DR My now ex boyfriend of 4 years was cheating on me for 6 months before he got caught. How can I even start to heal from this?
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Post #2, same day, in TrueOffMyChest:
Just found out my boyfriend of 4 years has been cheating on me for 6 months - May 14, 2023
I am pissed to say the least. Also on mobile, sorry for any spelling errors or formatting issues.
But yeah 4 years, an entire life built together, just gone like that because he had to get his dick wet. He didn't even have a good excuse just "I'm depressed" and "We had common interests". Its honestly pathetic, I can't believe I loved this man. He had everyone fooled about what kind of vile trash he actually is. Now I have to get all his shit out of my house, find a new job since he convinced me to quit mine, and start over. I'm just so numb, it doesn't feel real yet. Honestly all cheaters deserve every kind of hell that comes their way. Grow a pair and just be honest. Don't traumatize someone the way he did me. Because now I have to figure out how to trust someone all over again.
I guess jokes on him though, both the side piece and I agree that he sucks in bed lol.
Edit: The other woman is the one who told me btw. She is actually very sweet and I believe her when she says she didn't know about me. Tbh I think she hates him more than I do.
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Update post in TrueOffMyChest:
Update: I just found out my boyfriend of 4 years has been cheating for 6 months - May 23, 2023
First of all I just want to say thank you for all the love and support I received in the comments. All the amazing comments really helped me with knowing I made the right choice. Its been a little over a week now since I kicked him out now and I have some new updates.
My ex and his mother came to pick up his stuff the day after while I was with my own mom. I still feel awful that his mom had to spend mother's day moving all his crap out of my house. Since then all communication has been through her. She's come over a few times to grab things he left, and we've had a good time just talking. We were always close and she is 100% on my side in this. Honestly I think she is angrier at her son than I am.
As for me, well, I'm doing really really good. I just got a new job today, and I start on Thursday. Fingers crossed I'll be able to be completely independent of him in the next month. I've been slowly cleaning the house after he left it a disaster. His old office was the absolute worst, he just left piles of trash in the corner for me to deal with. I feel like I owe my trash guys some cookies or something for the amount of crap they hauled away.
But the biggest update of all is that I've started seeing someone new. My new boyfriend is so amazing, I can't believe he's real sometimes. We have been friends for almost a year now and he's been my biggest supporter through my breakup. There was some mutual attraction, but we kept our distance due to me being in a relationship. I didn't even intend to start dating again so soon, but I just fell head over heels for him. We're taking things slow right now, I still need to heal and he's perfectly fine with that. Although to be honest, it feels like the best revenge to be seeing a new guy who treats me like an absolute princess while having my ex still pay my bills.
I realize now just how abusive my ex was. I always told myself that because he never hit me and supported me through my mental health struggles that he couldn't be abusive. But the more distance I get, the more I wipe every trace of him from my home, the more I realize how much I lived in fear of him. I lied so much to the people I loved just so no one knew who he really was. If he was in a bad mood he would just pick at me and try to hurt me. I was his bangmaid, and nothing else. He spent all his time away from me, locked in his office. And I'm not the only one he treated badly. The change in my dog is absolutely insane, its like he's a new animal. I worry now what was really going on when I wasn't around. I never knew my dog was so playful, I always assumed he was just lazy. Turns out he loves to play and bark and just be a dog without a grown man screaming at him.
So yeah, life is going really well. I go to get the STD test done in an hour and a half, so I'll make a small update on this post when I get the results.
Edit: So I'm seeing a lot of people accusing me of having an emotional affair in the comments, which I totally understand given the information I provided. Firstly, he lives 11 hours away and we have never even met in person. When I say we had a thing for eachother, I don't mean we had feelings for eachother or even a crush. We both thought the other was good looking but drew a hard line when it came to flirting or anything like that. If we hung out in a voice channel it was only in a group, and our dms were exclusively asking if the other was joining the group for games. Something I still do to my other friends. I was admittedly checked out of my relationship for a while, but that was after the cheating started and he became distant. I worked a lot and really didn't do much else aside from play games online with friends like once a week. I totally understand if people still feel like I had an emotional affair, I just wanted to add some more context. Figured an edit would be easier than replying to individual comments.
Edit: Okay I'm sick of explaining this over and over. Whether you think I had an emotional affair or not is whatever. But I was not checked out of my relationship. I was actively trying to fix things with my now ex up until the moment I learned he fucked another woman. Do not try to sit here and tell me that my choice to start dating my friend is equal to the constant lies and gaslighting my ex put me through. This man sat there and held me while I cried about how scared I was to lose him. He told me over and over that he loved me, that I was just paranoid, that he would never cheat on me. He cared more about getting laid (and mind you we had a very active sex life) than he did about being faithful to someone he made a commitment to. How can you even think that me finding my friend's voice attractive, a friend mind you that I was never even alone with, is just as bad or the reason he cheated? True emotional affairs are awful, they're just as painful as cheating. I made sure every step of the way that I never crossed that line. I was respectful, I was loyal, and I never said anything that could even be registered as flirting until AFTER MY EX AND I BROKE UP. My ex was a horrible abusive piece of shit. There are holes in the walls of my home because of him. I get scared any time my dog bothers someone to play with him because I'm worried my pup is going to get yelled at. I spent 4 years on eggshells because of him. Don't fucking pity him or tell me that his cheating and abuse is my fault. I met my now boyfriend is August of 2022. I had been with my ex since December of 2018. So please, keep telling me that his behavior was because of a so called "emotional affair".
Edit: Clarified some statements that seemed to be confusing people.
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Reminder - I am not the original poster.

Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/valvereplacement/comments/1363zn2/surgery_in_2_weeks/
Bio: male, early 30s, bicuspid aortic valve, severe aortic regurgitation, severe 6.9cm LVEDD, 3.5cm mild ascending aorta aneurysm, no symptoms other than a significant heart murmur and a visible bounding pulse in my neck. I had the David procedure done, which is an open heart surgery where they repair the aortic valve and replace the aorta root with a synthetic graft. The native valve is placed inside the graft.
Day before surgery: I spent the day hanging out with my wife and daughter. My parents also flew in the night before to help take care of my kid while my wife and I would be in the hospital. I'm quite fortunate to have had essentially no anxiety leading up to the day. From my point of view, I didn't really have to do much of anything so there was nothing to be anxious about :) I tend to only get anxious before a performance or presentation or things like that where I'm responsible for executing something.
Before bed, I washed with the special antibacterial soap and we changed the bed sheets, pillow cases, and my PJs. Chugged a good liter of water before going to bed.
Day of surgery: Woke up at 4:30am. Showered again with the special antibacterial soap. Said bye to my parents and drove with my wife to the hospital for 6am check-in. The surgery itself would start at 8am. They called my up at around 7am to start prep. I hugged my wife in the waiting area and followed the nurse into the pre-op area where they shaved my chest and legs, wiped me down with some antiseptic wipes, and placed an IV. I waited for about 30 minutes once I was prepped, mostly browsing reddit on my phone and sending funny faces to my wife since I was wearing a dorky shower cap thing, before a team of 2 anesthesiologists came and confirmed all the details about the procedure. They wheeled me off into the OR. The last thing I remember is an anesthesiologist apologizing for all the "stickers" (ECG electrodes I think?) they were putting on me. I have no memory of them starting the anesthesia itself (like the mask or IV; no memory of counting down from 5 or anything like that).
A blink of an eye later, I had teleported to the ICU and woke up with a breathing tube, 3 chest tubes, a Foley cather, and like 3-4 more IVs and arterial lines that I had no memory of (left wrist, right wrist, right elbow, right side of the neck, possibly left elbow? Can't recall). It was slightly uncomfortable but absolutely no pain at all. The most uncomfortable thing was that the breathing machine seemed to have its own cadence for breathing and I wanted to breath my own way. I asked them to remove it but the ICU nurse said it was still too early and they wanted to wait another couple of hours. I was still pretty out of it and I'm pretty sure I was falling asleep here and there. My wife told me that the surgeon had come by and said the surgery went very well, and they were able to repair my valve. There was still some mild regurgitation remaining apparently, but nothing to worry about.
That evening, they removed the breathing tube and I had a bit more awareness. The anesthesia was wearing off and I was starting to feel pain in my lungs, which turned out to be from the chest tubes. Initially it wasn't too bad but over the next couple of days it got quite painful if I ever tried to take a deep breath. So I was taking quite shallow breaths and didn't really want to use the incentive spirometer
Woke up in the middle of the night with severe pain in my right lung and summoned my nurse, who administered dilaudid through my IV and it quickly got better.
Day 2: I was surprised to learn that the pain meds weren't scheduled, and they would only administer them if I asked for it. I was approved for 650mg Tylenol every 6 hours, 10mg oxycodone every 6 hours, and some amount (can't recall) of dilaudid and gabapentin. My recommendation would be to set some timers to ask for the pain meds on a regular cadence to avoid it getting out of hand. My right lung was by far the worst, spiking up to 7-8 on the pain scale whenever I took a deep breath, and holding at 3-4 during shallow breaths. No real pain anywhere else, including the incision.
One of the medicines they administered twice was a day was a Heparin shot, which reduces blood clots. It has to be administered subcutaneously which I found to be quite painful, and I grew to look forward the least to this medication. They also had me on metoprolol for blood pressure.
Around mid-day, they removed the Foley catheter which I would miss -- it was quite nice not to have to worry about urination. They had me get up for the first time, drink some chicken broth, and get weighed. I had gained 16lbs in fluids (160lbs -> 176lbs) so they started me on lasix to eliminate some of that. A PT guy came and had me walk to the neighboring unit and back (about 1 minute of walking) and told me to start practicing my incentive spirometer. I wasn't able to get it any higher than 500 before my right lung would start to hurt.
Soon after, they said I was ready to move out of the ICU. A transport person came, helped me into a wheel chair, and wheeled me off. I settled into the new room. Someone came to take some chest X rays with a mobile X ray machine. It shows I had a mild pneumothorax in my right lung; maybe that was why it was painful. They didn't seem concerned about it and said it would hurt less once the chest tubes came out.
Day 3: One of the chest tubes seemed to be done draining, so they came to remove it. It honestly wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They had me exhale and hum while they pulled it out in one go. Took about 3 seconds and felt funny, but no pain. My right lung pain immediately got better. I was suddenly able to breath a lot deeper than before and was getting my incentive spirometer up to 1000.
After this point, I never really experienced much pain ever again. Except for the god damn Heparin shots.
I kept drinking chicken broth and apple juice as my only source of calories, and the lasix were in full effect at this point so I was getting up every couple of hours to pee. I was something like 168lbs at this point (lost 8lbs of fluids).
I did 3 walks around the nurse station. About 5 minutes each. Had my first bowel movement somewhere around here. By evening time, my doctor cleared me for a regular diet and I ordered a bunch of fruits and a barley soup.
Getting in and out of bed was a chore -- I had to get help from a nurse every time. It took a good 5 minutes to organize all the tubes every time.
Day 4: The other 2 chest tubes came out, and also the pacing wires. Again no pain, just feels strange and ticklish. Easily tolerable. I suddenly had a ton more freedom. Without the chest tubes, I no longer needed the nurse to get in and out of bed. Tried to get in a couple of longer 10 minute walks, but it was definitely a lot harder. My heart rate would go up to 130 and I would need to go back to bed and lie down to get it back under 100.
I also noticed that sitting upright in a chair and eating food would also spike my heart rate, up into the 120s. I would be a little bit out of breath after eating and would need to lie down.
At mid day, they wheeled me off to get my first post-op echocardiogram. The echo results were very surprising: it showed mild-to-moderate regurgitation, and a completely normal LV size -- 4.5cm LVEDD. My surgeon's PA came by to talk about it, and said that the surgeon disagrees with the echo tech's interpretation of the images and would still classify it as mild regurgitation. More importantly, during surgery when direct visual inspection is possible, it apparently looked quite good. They think once the lasix fully drain me of all the excess fluid, there will be less regurgitation. I asked if it's really possible for the LV to shrink so dramatically in just 4 days (6.9cm to 4.5cm) and she said yep, and in fact it's a sign that the valve is working well. I think I wont really find closure on this until my next echo which is probably many months away so I'm putting it out of mind.
They did say they would switch me from metoprolol to hydralazine, which also reduces blood pressure but has the side effect of increasing the heart rate. Apparently a faster heart rate would be good in my situation to help the valve heal (I guess because faster heart rate = lower volume of blood that is pumped?).
To my surprise, the PA said they were going to discharge me ahead of schedule since I met all the necessary criteria. My blood pressure was pretty steady at around 120/80. I was a bit conflicted since it felt safe at the hospital, but I also did not want any more god damn Heparin shots so I agreed to go home.
At home, I had a wedge pillow but it was a royal PITA to get in and out of bed so I impulse ordered an power lift chair rental which they dropped off the next day.
Day 5: The lift chair arrived, which was amazing. I no longer needed help from my family to get in and out of a horizontal position. I did find that it was important to be horizontal to get my heart rate under control with the hydralazine. Lying completely flat, I was at 100 BPM. Sitting up would take me to 110. Eating would get me to 120 and walking would get me to 130. I would need to go lie down after eating or walking to catch my breath and get my heart rate down.
I went for my first outside walk, where I walked about 4 houses down and back (5 minutes).
I took my first shower sitting on a shower stool. I was very cold after -- probably another side effect of the hydralazine as well -- and struggled to warm back up in bed. I was shivering and was worried for a bit whether I had an infection, but my temperature was normal so I think I was just cold.
My appetite wasn't very good and didn't want to eat what my family had cooked for me. I preferred cold, sweet things and ate a lot of honey net cheerios with cold milk.
I filled my hydralazine in oxycodone prescription, and picked up some tylenol as well. I used the oxy once on day 5, and didn't find the need for it after. I was able to get by just fine with tylenol.
Day 6-10: More of the same. Appetite got a lot better and started eating normally. By day 10, I was able to slowly walk a good 15 minutes in one go, about .5 miles. Around this time I also stopped using the lift chair and was able to get in and out of bed solo without too much difficulty. I also no longer needed the shower stool. It was a bit of a regret to spend a bunch of money on the stool, wedge pillow, and lift chair only to use them for 3-4 days, but they did make those few days quite a bit easier so I'm convincing myself it was money well spent.
Day 11-14: Rapid improvement -- on day 14 I was able to walk 1 mile in 20 minutes, and did it 3 times that day. Heart rate is down to 90 at rest now, and eating doesn't really increase it much. I feel good enough to go back to work honestly (just a desk job, and can work from home). I was half thinking I should try jogging, but I have cardiac therapy starting in a couple of weeks so I'll save my energy for that.
I'm still on the hydralazine and tylenol. I have essentially no pain as long as I'm maintaining the sternal precautions. I'm considering stopping the tylenol to see how it goes.
All in all, I have to say it was a pretty smooth experience and wasn't that bad at all. It seems like it's not completely unlikely that I'll need another surgery in the far future, though hopefully it's at least 15-20 years away. But if it's going to be anything like this, then I really have nothing to worry about. My wife tore her ACL in a skiing accident a few years ago and I have to say the recovery from ACL reconstruction surgery was a lot harder than this!

I’m a 27(F) from the UK, white British, around 5’2 and weigh about 100lbs. I very rarely drink and if I do it’s not a lot, I don’t smoke cigarettes and probably smoke weed 3 times a week.
I am currently officially diagnosed through the NHS as having: ASD level 1 - mild severity without any intellectual delays, ADHD combined type, cyclothymia, PMDD and EUPD/BPD. I currently take 75mg of Effexor, 50mg Vyvanse, 10mg Amfexa booster to stop the Vyvanse crash and the Yasmine birth control pill.
Background: I was born in 96’ to young parents who split when I was 18 months old. I’d always been extremely anxious, I do not recall a time where I haven’t felt anxiety.
My parents had shared custody until I was 12. My mum was diagnosed with manic depression in 2008 after I moved out because she was being emotionally/verbally abusive and was neglectful. I saw my first therapist from the ages of 12-14. I was doing well and had NC with my mum until we started texting again at 18. At 18 I was diagnosed with depression & anxiety and started Effexor up to 300mg. I was on this for about 3 years and stable, I started therapy at 18 again because I know meds work best with therapy.
A month before I was meant to see my mum again, she got into a car accident and I had to spend a week in the ICU and then remove life support in 2016. However, I got through this and completed my BA when my professors told me drop out as I’d fail. I continued with therapy and came off of my Effexor early 2019.
I was doing well and completing a Psychology Conversion MSc, when my mental health started to dip in late 2019. I was prescribed 10mg of Prozac, when I went up to 20mg I started to feel really unwell. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I was experiencing anxiety I’d never felt before, working and studying full time on 2 hours sleep a night. They decided it sent me too high and took me off it again. I had an assessment with a psychologist who once discussed with the psychiatrist I was diagnosed with Cyclothymia. I finished my MSc and started working in mental health during the pandemic, with no meds and just therapy.
In September 2021 I started Effexor again and I started dating a 24 year old (F) with BPD. She had been hospitalised for it 5+ times but I didn’t care I loved her. I got her through trauma anniversaries, medication changes and she stopped self harming and using ketamine when with me. She would do both daily before we met and moved in together. She said I was her favourite person & I poured myself into helping her recover. By month 4 of this relationship I was broken. I was depressed, anxious and the most suicidal I’ve ever been. I stopped working because I just couldn’t hold it together out the house anymore. I just crumbled.
My gf was thriving and I was dying, I was assessed and given a mental health team. I was diagnosed with autism in April 2022 and bpd. My gf had been telling me I had “quiet” bpd every day, despite my SH only occurring in melt downs & no presentations to services with incidents. I told my psychiatrist I had bpd and he agreed. My SH was always just hitting myself & I could avoid SH if I ensured my sensory needs were okay.
In December 22 I was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication. Life changing! Emptiness and anxiety gone, impulsivity gone, all the bpd symptoms I did still display stopped with ADHD meds.
Early this year it was made quite obvious that I was being abused by my gf, my friends called an intervention as it was worrying them. My gf was lying to me and gaslighting me for about 6 weeks and when ovulation rolled round I got diagnosed with PMDD as I was so paranoid & almost delusional, experiencing EXTREME anxiety. BC further reduced any BPD like symptoms and gave me even more emotional stability, on top of the adhd meds.
Having lived with someone with severe BPD and worked with patients I don’t think I have this. Friends of 8+ years (some working in MH, one doing a clinical doctorate) and my dad (who has done a lot of therapy himself) think the abuse and living with a unwell person made me reflect those symptoms. On top of being told I’m bpd daily by partner who I shrunk my life down to nothing for, so I could care for her. I also know late diagnosed ND women with trauma can get diagnosed with bpd before the ND stuff. I know me giving my all was also an issue, I’m not blaming my ex for everything here. She is extremely unwell and has relapsed on the ketamine again.
Do you think I have a good case to get this diagnosis removed? Now this relationship is over I have no unstable relationships, I’ve not self harmed since it ended, the impulsivity and anger are gone, I don’t think I meet the 9 criteria anymore. Healthcare staff are horrible to me when they see the bpd diagnosis and it’s not nice. Any advice?
Edit: Spelling & clarity.

Leaving out some key identifying information to keep this as anonymous as possible.
I work for a consulting company that has me on a project right now where the site is located 4.5 hours away from the main office. This project requires me to drive 4.5 hours to the site Monday morning, work on site 3 days, then drive 4.5 hours back home Wednesday evening. I've been at this for nearly 10 months so far, with ~5 months left in our contract. You can see how this may wear down on me and my home-life in general.
On top of this, our company was bought out by an international conglomerate-like company and is making changes to policies and hierarchies. The leader of the division I work under has already put his 2-weeks notice in and left our 12 employee division in the dust; to get merged into a separate team headed by this new company (the one that bought us out). This division leader had built this division (sister-company) from the ground up and mostly ran the entire show of how we operated. So he was an irreplaceable cog in the machine - which is why the company is not looking to continue growing our division and has decided just to merge us somewhere else in the company. All of these factored into my decision to start looking elsewhere. I've enjoyed my time here, but things look to be changing in a bad direction.
I've been in contact with a couple of different companies already that I have scheduled interviews with and show interest in hiring me, and I am very hopeful that I'd be able to find a place to work and not skip a beat as far as dependable income. My moral dilemma comes in the specifics of the project I am working on:

• As I mentioned this project is far-isolated from the main office (4.5 hours). And there is only 1 other employee working part-time on the project (at a higher rate than mine). I don't believe my boss would be able to find someone to replace me internally, and would have to bust his ass to hire and train someone for this.
  
• My boss on this project has continually checked in on me and made sure that my time is covered under all the new company changes. Trying his best to make sure my work isn't impeded - which is a gesture I appreciate, and weighs on my conscious as I have plans to leave in the near future. In my eyes I'd be leaving him high and dry after he put in the effort to provide me with job security. And more than that he is a good person and a good boss, someone I wouldn't like to burn the bridge with.
  
• The other employee working on the project has run way over the allotted budget and will likely not have enough time left to finish out to the contract date. Leaving me as the sole employee that would be working on the project for the last 3 or so months. Leaving me to think, even if we hired someone to fill my role, how in the hell are they supposed to come and finish out this job with minimal training and no help?
  

I have gotten advice from as many people as I could and the answer is usually: "Secure a job offer and then give your boss 2 or 3 week notice - it's just business, do what's best for you." Do you guys think the same? After my boss has put his best foot forward trying to get this project to the finish line - is it normal in the business world for me to just be like "Alright I'm outta here, good luck!"? I have tried to take some comfort in the fact that my boss could sympathize with my situation, and he would have the same mindset like "it's just business". But it still doesn't sit right with me. What do you guys think?

We just couldn't wait another day or two—the new release & catalog update are here!
In addition to lots of small updates around the website, there's a lot going on with today's news.
First: the DREAMS AND ACTUALITY collection is now available! These eight scents are intended to evoke the sort of meandering imagination that can only run free in summer—both real and fantastical, floating somewhere between dreams and actuality.

24 HOUR DRIVE: Warm tonka bean, a suede jacket slung over the headrest, a half-rolled spliff spilled all over the backseat, a melted cone of cinnamon vanilla ice cream, and fleeting landscapes illuminated by the sun.
CICADA KID: The relentless, infinite buzz of summer: windswept grass, dandelions pushing through cracks in asphalt, strongly brewed black tea, handfuls of thyme stuffed into raggedy pockets, and a half-eaten bag of marshmallows.
FARM BOY: Rugged terrain dotted by hay bales drying in the sunlight, stacks of chopped cedar, artichokes and lettuce carried by gentle hands, well-worn denim sticky with pine sap, and dreamy, hopeful bergamot.
LOVERS LEAVING HELL: Woodsmoke from a dying bonfire, a pair of lit cigarettes under a starry sky, two warm bowls of vanilla rice pudding, and sweet, yearning kisses of cardamom.
NIETZSCHE'S LYCHEES: A second, dangerous innocence in joy. Sour lychees broken open by hand, sinful black musk, bittersweet chocolate, bone-dry sweetgrass, mushrooms growing amongst tangled roots, and a whisper of sweet osmanthus in the darkness.
REVERIE: Moments spent frolicking in the consciousness of another life. Steamed rice speckled with clove, words swirling off the pages of a book, the lingering haze of imagination, and a marshmallow-soft tumble back down to earth.
SHOTGUN: Dollops of whipped cream speckled with vanilla bean paste, velvety pink peonies, blissfully tart wild strawberries, glowing white amber, and the hiss of a cold metal canister.
TÚ Y YO: Together, and in love: hand-plucked frangipani, featherlight musk, rich dark vanilla bean, powdered sugar, overripe figs simmered in panela, and a slice of fresh angel food cake.

There are also four new single notes joining the spring/summer catalog:

BLACKTOP: Shimmering summer rain evaporating off of hot, sticky asphalt.
LAWN: A sunlit nap on the lawn: a body sinking into cool green turf and fingers tangled with fresh cut grass.
LAZY RIVER: Towels soaked with pool water, and wet, glistening skin drying in the heat.
ORYZA: Fluffy basmatti rice in a warm bowl.

These 12 scents are some of my favorites ever released—many of them were a technical challenge to formulate (long-lasting grass! smoky top notes! rich fruity base notes!) while others pushed me out of my usual style (gourmands are so hard, for real).
They really embody OSMOFOLIA, I think—both philosophical and playful, complex but straightfoward, reflective of a distinct curiosity for the scents of the world around us.
I hope you enjoy them as much as I do 🥰
~
With this release, OSMOFOLIA also celebrates the first anniversary of our perfume house!
Our perfumery officially opened in June of 2022, as nothing more than a table at a local market. Over the past year, OSMOFOLIA has grown more than I ever expected it to, and I'm so immensely grateful for that! The ability to share olfactory art with you is a joy and an honor ❤️
To celebrate our first year in business, we have a special anniversary scent!
Folks often ask what OSMOFOLIA's studio smells like—it'd be impossible to bottle the day-to-day aroma, but this scent is a snapshot of what the studio smelled like at a particular moment in time.
And what better theme is there than the inspiration and humdrum of perfumery itself?

OLFACTORIUM: The scented ephemera of a perfume studio, and the clutter of a perfumer at work: an open vial of pink pepper, a fifth cup of coffee, papers of formulae smeared with iso e super, droplets of milk lactone on the bench, a heaping scoop of coumarin, scent strips rich with sandalwood aroma chemicals, and the sweet marshmallowy joy of inspiration brought to life.

The scent's concept is also a balance between fantasy notes (coffee, formulas, paper, marshmallow, scent strips) and individual ingredients (pink pepper, iso e super, milk lactone, coumarin, sandalwood aroma chemicals).
I wanted to showcase these ingredients individually rather than hiding them in a notes list that feels more familiar, because my favorite part of perfumery is developing familiarity with individual materials and learning how to visualize them in larger scents.
I know that might make the scent a bit harder to imagine—but luckily, we've got a way to make it easier to smell. For June, Olfactorium will be the freebie scent in every order! (unless a different scent is explicitly requested)
As another way to pay homage to OSMOFOLIA's beginnings, there is a small anniversary sale—since marshmallow was the note that kicked off my interested in learning to make perfume, all scents with a marshmallow note are 20% off from May 30th to June 14th, with code ANNIVERSARY. :)
~
A few quick catalog updates:

• Cabin has joined the general catalog, while Good Morning, Disaster is being changed to the fall/winter catalog.
• Black Walnut, Gingerbread, and Sweet Potato Casserole are also being moved to the fall/winter catalog.
• The remaining Duets are pre-bottled, so they won't be restocked, but they will hang around for a few days until June 1st at 11:59PM.

~
On our shift to new bottles/vials & pricing updates:
All of the individual scent pages have been updated to reflect the new product information. Prices for 5ml bottles have risen to $21.00, and we've changed the style of the bottle (now, it's square!), the caps (they're copper, and they look awesome!), and the labels (no more slippy labels is the goal... plus, updated label art!).
We finished up the last of our case of previous bottles, and the remaining ones were pre-bottled for May. The last call for leftovers is here!
Samples are now offered in 2ml vials, rather than 1ml. 2ml samples now cost $8.00 individually, but sample sets are priced so that each sample is $7.00 (ie, 6 samples x $7 = $42 for a sample set of 6). The vials come with reducer caps to help prevent spillage, too.
Solid fragrances also have updated pricing. Previous batches of solid fragrance were filled with 15g of balm for $15, but newer batches of solid fragrance contain 21g and now cost $20.
Certain solid fragrance scents were restocked more than a month ago, so a 15g/$15 option for those scents will remain on the website until we run out. When they're restocked, they'll switch over to the 21g/$20 offering :)
~
Finally, an update on alcohol format offerings!
Unfortunately, we ran into an issue with the case of bottles, so the release of our alcohol format scents will be delayed until July 1st or so. So sorry to extend the wait!
But I don't want to leave you hanging, so here's some brief info about what's coming:

• There will be two sizes available: a 30ml bottle for $65, and a 10ml travel size for $30. Both are sprays!
• Spray samples may be available in the future, but we haven't loved any of the sample sprayers that we've tried, so we're holding off until we find ones that work like a dream.

Our scent lineup includes our most popular scents as well as some new releases:

• And Life And The Fields
• Cumulus
• Dream Bean
• Geosmin
• I And Thou
• Iso E Super
• Marshmallow
• Ode To Aphrodite
• Santal
• Solario
• Stratus
• Lawn
• Lazy River
• Lovers Leaving Hell
• Olfactorium (anniversary!)
• Farm Boy
• Nietzsche's Lychees
• Oryza
• Tú Y Yo

We aren't covering the entire catalog for a few reasons:
First, certain scents have to be reformulated for an alcohol format. Some ingredients play well with oil but not with alcohol and vice-versa, and we don't want anything to separate out from the rest of the perfume. Reformulating to keep the scents consistent can take time. :)
Second, we have to grow incrementally—we're looking into a larger space to store products, but for now, we can't fit tons of big bottles in the studio.
Third, we don't have the ingredients yet! A larger size and different diluent mean that we need more of each ingredient to make the scent smell just as strong. Increasing the volume of our ingredients will also be an incremental process.
But if you'd like to suggest particular scents (even out-of-season) that you'd love to see in an alcohol format, you can let us know here!
~
Thank you for putting up with this giant update! As always, we're excited to grow with you, and we are very thankful for your patience with all the tinkering :)
Have a warm, relax-under-the-sky kind of day 💕
~Sab

41 yo F/5’7”/SW: 201lb/CW: 187/GW: 145
TL;DR: I’m struggling with stagnation 6-months in. Depressed, frustrated, angry at myself. Wondering why I can’t seem to make progress and how to stick with it in the face of this much frustration.
Long time lurker (first time posting personal specifics). I know this is going to sound like a b*#chfest,(it probably will be), so thank you in advance for letting me get this out there.
Now firmly in my 40s, I have struggled with my weight since my teens. Using diet pills, I developing the nickname of “skeletor,” weighing about 110lbs at graduation. I gained weight in college, averaging about 145-150 for most of my 20s-30s. I thought I was unhappy with my body then… but oh boy, we lived through COVID and by the 2022 Holiday season, I weighed over 200 lbs. I was sick and terrified of how to get my life back.
I decided then to commit to low carb, having tried 2-3 week stints at a time off and on for years. Across the first 6 weeks, I went from 201 to 189 and entered 2023 feeling hopeful. Then I stagnated at 185+, gaining and losing the same 3-7 lbs repeatedly since January. It was (and is) depressing.
To try and break the plateau, last week I did my first prolonged fast at 96 hours. It was harder than I thought it would be, but the scale moved all the way down to 180.2 and I was ecstatic - thinking I’d cracked the “code” and would start seeing the “woosh” effect. This morning, it was back to 187. I realize most of the fasting “loss” was water, etc. but I just feel defeated and could use some words of wisdom from the community.
To try and answer some questions in advance:
1) I do not exercise, but regularly get around 5-6k steps per day (I primarily WFH/“office job”, so 10k steps are hard to achieve in my house). I realize this is the likeliest path to “moving the needle” but I’ve never liked working out. I thought I could use the kitchen to achieve my goals… evidentially not.
2) After calculating my “sedentary” TDEE, I revised my calorie target down from 1500 to 1300/day in April and consistently meet between 1100-1400, prioritizing protein over fat calories. My biggest challenge is getting enough protein without too much fat (viewing fat as a “hard limit” vice a goal). Through the CarbManager app, daily objectives are: 1288 kcals, 80.5g protein, 100g fat, 16.1 net carbs.
3) My SO is supportive and I have little trouble creating meals that work for both of us. I have also have abstained from alcohol all but 3 times since the beginning of May - the longest I’ve gone without drinking since college, so, definitely a NSV, but not my priority.
4) My internal monologue has been stuck on something from an old “Beachbody” workout video: “if you want something you’ve never had, you have to do something you’ve never done.” For me, I’ve never worked out regularly and haven’t been consistent with my health goals. So, I know the path is likely in front of me (IF + KCKO + exercise), but waking up early to work out OR working out after a full business day exhausts me just thinking about it.
5) Today, I am back on a 48-hour fast (ending tomorrow night for a friends birthday dinner) and am going to try a series of rolling fasts and/or 5:2, but have little hope of my ability to sustain long term.
6) I personally know several people who have had great success on keto - but they are all men. I know the science doesn’t discriminate - the human machine is the human machine - and as a female, I should be able to achieve similar results as my male friends, but most often it doesn’t feel that way.
7) I’ve gone back and forth on weighing myself daily vice weekly vice only when I’ve been “good” or “bad” and I don’t know what’s best for me specifically to stay motivated.
No real “ask” for the community, just wanted to put this out there in case it resonates with anyone else. Thanks for listening.

Hi everyone. I have a question that's weighed heavily on me for some time: is it possible to maintain a healthy and happy marriage if your mother-in-law despises you?
I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years. We're college sweethearts. He's an awesome person--kind, smart, loyal, goofy, sweet, romantic. The works. He's my best friend and a great partner. We support each other's careers and goals, hang out with friends and neighbors, and enjoy a lot of overlap in our hobbies and passions. We've purchased a small home together and have a cat who we adore. In general, I feel grateful and lucky to be with him, and he regularly tells me how happy he is with me and how I'm the love of his life.
Of course, we have small fights here and there, but over the past decade, there has been one topic which has triggered potentially relationship-ending fights: his mom (my mother-in-law). Before I proceed, I want to put out a disclaimer that she is a good person with good qualities and I feel a debt of gratitude towards her for raising my husband. I don't want to demonize her. I'm just at the end of my rope. I've shed too many tears over this situation and I feel like I can't see a way out.
So, MIL was the only parent of ours that had an unhappy reaction to our engagement. Our other 3 parents (my mom and dad as well as his dad who is divorced from his mom) were all overjoyed and cried happy tears. His mom got very quiet. Then first thing she said was, "I thought you were already engaged!" which took the wind out of our sails. She followed that up with, "I guess I'll be having grandchildren soon!" which is another point of contention because we don't have kids yet (by choice) despite being together for so long. She boils this down to my fault. She angrily told him on multiple occasions, "you always wanted to be a father before you met her!" We were both approximately 20 years old when we met. Other things she's done behind my back:

• MIL instructed husband to "test me" before marrying me. She told him, "don't do whatever she wants you to do, and see how she reacts!" This may have been triggered by him telling her he's very happy with me because she responded with "I'm sure you're very happy right now but only because you do whatever she says". She told him in the middle of the night afterwards that she "had a terrible dream about him" and wanted to know if he was okay with me.
• MIL told husband I "clearly need Jungian therapy" because I'm "out of touch with my dreams and my shadow", I might "need to be medicated", and she's "more emotionally mature and honest" than me due to her years of therapy and her age. For the record, I have had therapy and counselling, I have tried medication for anxiety, and I respect mental health treatment.
• I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called psoriatic arthritis by a rheumatologist. I went through blood tests and consultations. Flare-ups are occasionally very painful and physically off-putting. MIL verbatim told my husband, "she's probably faking her illness for attention or manipulation or something". I think maybe she was feeling insecure because her siblings and her ex-husband accused her of overexaggerating her health issues, so I get that she was triggered, but it was very painful to hear her comment via my husband. It is probably one of the meanest comments I've received in my lifetime. I was shocked and ruminated for a long time about why someone would think so little of my character.

There's much more, of course, as MIL has sent no shortage of "accidental" mean texts and impulsive emails ranting about me (typically sent midnight to 5AM because she "just can't fall asleep" thinking about me). Here's the thing: I've never had a negative interaction with her in person. She has always been polite. I have never even exchanged a text with her or had a call with her beyond generic well wishes for holidays and birthdays. However, because I am aware of this pattern of behavior she has exhibited behind my back over the past decade, I have increasingly declined most social invites from her. Of course, I never prevent my husband from going to family functions--he goes to maybe a dozen a year between holidays, birthdays, weddings, funerals, etc. since he has a big family on both sides.
The kicker is, MIL constantly complains that I don't attend family functions, which to her indicates that I don't "make an effort to become part of the family". From our perspectives, we married each other, not our families. My family is much smaller, but when I hang out with them, my husband doesn't always tag along. He does not feel that I have an obligation to attend his family functions, but he does feel very angry and then sometimes sad when his mother (and increasingly sister) guilt trip him about me not visiting. MIL likes to say she's "lost a son" and SIL texted my husband that he is "the biggest disappointment of mom's life" and "he'll regret everything when she's dead."
I don't know what to do. I don't want to put my husband in the middle of this situation when his family so clearly despises me. In turn, I no longer want to interact with them. I love this man. I want our relationship to be happy and healthy. But the thought of having to interact with my MIL for the rest of my life is so anxiety-inducing that I honestly sometimes consider divorce. I am a people pleaser and conflict avoidant, and I understand these are bad unassertive traits which don't lead to conflict resolution. I just don't know what confronting her would accomplish at this point and I fear it would make the situation much worse as she might feel criticized. I can't envision my MIL becoming a grandmother to my future children when she has already sent long angry texts about "just knowing" how I won't respect her as a grandma.
I'm so sorry I ranted so much. I thought I was going to be much more concise and organized with my thoughts. I would really appreciate any advice you guys have.

Hi everyone. I've gleaned so much wisdom from this sub. I'm not sure if this is too personal to be posted here, but I have a question that's weighed heavily on me for some time: is it possible to maintain a healthy and happy marriage if your mother-in-law despises you?
​
I've been with my husband for nearly 10 years. We're college sweethearts. He's an awesome person--kind, smart, loyal, goofy, sweet, romantic. The works. He's my best friend and a great partner. We support each other's careers and goals, hang out with friends and neighbors, and enjoy a lot of overlap in our hobbies and passions. We've purchased a small home together and have a cat who we adore. In general, I feel grateful and lucky to be with him, and he regularly tells me how happy he is with me and how I'm the love of his life.
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Of course, we have small fights here and there, but over the past decade, there has been one topic which has triggered potentially relationship-ending fights: his mom (my mother-in-law). Before I proceed, I want to put out a disclaimer that she is a good person with good qualities and I feel a debt of gratitude towards her for raising my husband. I don't want to demonize her. I'm just at the end of my rope. I've shed too many tears over this situation and I feel like I can't see a way out.
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So, MIL was the only parent of ours that had an unhappy reaction to our engagement. Our other 3 parents (my mom and dad as well as his dad who is divorced from his mom) were all overjoyed and cried happy tears. His mom got very quiet. Then first thing she said was, "I thought you were already engaged!" which took the wind out of our sails. She followed that up with, "I guess I'll be having grandchildren soon!" which is another point of contention because we don't have kids yet (by choice) despite being together for so long. She boils this down to my fault. She angrily told him on multiple occasions, "you always wanted to be a father before you met her!" We were both approximately 20 years old when we met. Other things she's done behind my back:
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• MIL instructed husband to "test me" before marrying me. She told him, "don't do whatever she wants you to do, and see how she reacts!" This may have been triggered by him telling her he's very happy with me because she responded with "I'm sure you're very happy right now but only because you do whatever she says". She told him in the middle of the night afterwards that she "had a terrible dream about him" and wanted to know if he was okay with me.
• MIL told husband I "clearly need Jungian therapy" because I'm "out of touch with my dreams and my shadow", I might "need to be medicated", and she's "more emotionally mature and honest" than me due to her years of therapy and her age. For the record, I have had therapy and counselling, I have tried medication for anxiety, and I respect mental health treatment.
• I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder called psoriatic arthritis by a rheumatologist. I went through blood tests and consultations. Flare-ups are occasionally very painful and physically off-putting. MIL verbatim told my husband, "she's probably faking her illness for attention or manipulation or something". I think maybe she was feeling insecure because her siblings and her ex-husband accused her of overexaggerating her health issues, so I get that she was triggered, but it was very painful to hear her comment via my husband. It is probably one of the meanest comments I've received in my lifetime. I was shocked and ruminated for a long time about why someone would think so little of my character.

There's much more, of course, as MIL has sent no shortage of "accidental" mean texts and impulsive emails ranting about me (typically sent midnight to 5AM because she "just can't fall asleep" thinking about me). Here's the thing: I've never had a negative interaction with her in person. She has always been polite. I have never even exchanged a text with her or had a call with her beyond generic well wishes for holidays and birthdays. However, because I am aware of this pattern of behavior she has exhibited behind my back over the past decade, I have increasingly declined most social invites from her. Of course, I never prevent my husband from going to family functions--he goes to maybe a dozen a year between holidays, birthdays, weddings, funerals, etc. since he has a big family on both sides.
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The kicker is, MIL constantly complains that I don't attend family functions, which to her indicates that I don't "make an effort to become part of the family". From our perspectives, we married each other, not our families. My family is much smaller, but when I hang out with them, my husband doesn't always tag along. He does not feel that I have an obligation to attend his family functions, but he does feel very angry and then sometimes sad when his mother (and increasingly sister) guilt trip him about me not visiting. MIL likes to say she's "lost a son" and SIL texted my husband that he is "the biggest disappointment of mom's life" and "he'll regret everything when she's dead."
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I don't know what to do. I don't want to put my husband in the middle of this situation when his family so clearly despises me. In turn, I no longer want to interact with them. I love this man. I want our relationship to be happy and healthy. But the thought of having to interact with my MIL for the rest of my life is so anxiety-inducing that I honestly sometimes consider divorce. I am a people pleaser and conflict avoidant, and I understand these are bad unassertive traits which don't lead to conflict resolution. I just don't know what confronting her would accomplish at this point and I fear it would make the situation much worse as she might feel criticized. I can't envision my MIL becoming a grandmother to my future children when she has already sent long angry texts about "just knowing" how I won't respect her as a grandma.
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I'm so sorry I ranted so much. I thought I was going to be much more concise and organized with my thoughts. I would really appreciate any advice you guys have.

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Ecclesiastes 10:1-3~"Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour: so doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour. A wise man's heart is at his right hand; but a fool's heart at his left. Yea also, when he that is a fool walketh by the way, his wisdom faileth him, and he saith to every one that he is a fool."
"Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour: so doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour"
I hate flies, but dead ones in certain places is even worse.

1. Apothecary is one that prepares and sells drugs for medicinal purposes, the business now we call druggist, or pharmaceutical chemist.
2. Here is a poetic, proverbial, and very powerful metaphor to emphasize protecting one's reputation, especially so one who is known for wisdom and being in a place of honour.
3. We only wish we had been taught this great lesson while still in our youth. But, yet knowing this all important truth, it is not easy to let this slip and fall into some type of sin whereby we give place for other to speak evil of our name and the God that we serve.

"So doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour"~All it takes is a little folly, just as flies are so small yet cause so much stink if in the apothecary's ointment!
Though God forgives all sins, yet the damage is done, and cannot be reversed! It generally has lasting effect on so many people.
Proverbs 22:1~"A good name is rather to be chosen than great riches, and loving kindness than silver or gold."
Your reputation is an asset far more important than anything you can buy. The respect of others and their affection for you is an asset you should pursue with great zeal. Your character is a precious treasure that you should enhance each day by wise choices.
What do people think, when they hear your name? Do they think graciousness, godliness, diligence, and faithfulness? Is your name sweet to their ears and thoughts? How do they speak of you to others? Are you often praised in your absence? Do others crave your company? Do they want to honor you with affection, gifts, and service?
Or is your name a bitter thought? Do they think harshness, selfishness, stubbornness, pride, moodiness, or indiscretion? Do they try to avoid you? Do they avoid you? When others talk about you, do they have to make excuses for your conduct? Do they pass over you for invitations or assignments, because you are more irritating than pleasing?
You cannot ignore these questions and be wise. Your reputation and relationships are a great measure of your life. Stop and examine your reputation with others. What others think of you is a far more accurate picture of your life than what you think about yourself, for you have an obvious bias to distort facts in your favor, and you have a deceitful heart that is deeply infatuated with yourself (Pr 16:2; 20:6; 21:2; Jer 17:9; Gal 6:3).
Some people are used as well known examples of specific virtues or all virtues. Others are used as examples of poor character and problems. How is your name used? Are you spoken about affectionately and respectfully, or critically and negatively? Many have no outstanding virtues at all, so they pass through life without any honor or favor, which shows a lack of diligence and priority in pursuing godliness and virtue.
What is a good name? It is not your parents’ choice of a distinguished combination of syllables that sounds sophisticated, classy, or pleasant. It is not merely being named after a respected ancestor. Your bare name has no value at all. Solomon used “good name” as a metonym for a good reputation. He exhorted his son to emphasize having a good reputation with God and good men as one of the chief goals of life (Pr 3:4).
What is loving favour here? It is not giving love and favour to others, but rather receiving love and favour from others. It is obtaining affection and respect from other virtuous persons. It is obtaining their acceptance and approval of your life. Of course, reaching such a position requires you to carefully rule your conduct to please others. It requires consistent righteous behavior to hold the esteem and trust of others (Eccl 10:1).
The proverb has an ellipsis, which is missing words that shorten the sentence and give it boldness. The second clause may be read, “And loving favour is to be chosen rather than silver and gold.” These words taken from the first clause are important to fill out the whole sense of the proverb. A comparison and choice is being taught in both clauses.
In each case it is your choice. You can choose a good reputation and the loving approval of others. It is your choice. Both should be a priority. Both are more important than other measures of success. Circumstances or discrimination are excuses for foolish or lazy men who have not properly pursued these important goals. A wise man will pursue both.
What is the lesson? You should put great emphasis on your reputation and relationships. While many men chase financial and professional success with all their might, Solomon exhorted his son to value his reputation and relationships higher than these other goals. He wanted his son to grow in favor with God and men, and he ranked the importance of this achievement as more valuable than great riches (Pr 3:4; I Sam 2:26; Luke 2:52).
How do you measure by Solomon’s lesson? How important is your reputation to you? Is it more important than any amount of money or success? Do you work harder to improve your name than to get ahead financially? How much do you value the esteem and respect of good men? Do you regularly examine your conduct to be without offence? Do you go out of your way to make sure each thing you do is done very well for all concerned?
God measures you by what others think. You cannot please God and offend good men at the same time. It is impossible. If you are pleasing God and keeping His commandments, you will please others (I Sam 18:14-16; I John 5:2). And your family and close friends do not count, for it is your reputation before good men that is the key. You can easily tell a person’s character by the number and kind of friends he has. These facts do not lie.
Of course, others’ opinions are not your only measure, or the most important (John 5:44). But they are a measure. You foolishly deceive yourself to approve your life and conduct, if good men and women have a low regard of you. Joseph and Daniel were highly regarded even as captives in foreign lands by their excellent spirits and blameless lives.
Demetrius had a great name and reputation of the apostles and all men (III John 1:12); Timothy was highly regarded both before and after he met Paul (Acts 16:1-2; Phil 2:19-22). This high measure of a good reputation in the world is a necessary qualification for the bishops of Jesus Christ’s churches (I Tim 3:7). How do you measure up?
A good reputation before the world is possible, but some ungodly men will not appreciate your righteousness (I Thess 4:12; I Pet 2:12; Dan 6:3-5; Luke 6:26). Solomon primarily intended good and wise men, who know the heart and will of God and measure other men by godliness. Compromise or friendship with the world is a trait of sinners (Jas 4:4).
Your opinion of yourself is quite worthless. It is usually contrary to fact. People with good reputations generally think poorly of themselves, which keeps them humble and sensitive to others; but those with bad reputations think themselves quite desirable, leading to offensive arrogance. The difference between humble modesty and self-righteousness is a large part of a good name, which is built on low self-esteem.
Your great goal is to grow in “loving favour” with God and men, as did Samuel and the Lord Jesus Christ (3:4; I Sam 2:26; Luke 2:52). This happens when you keep the two great commandments – love of God and love of neighbor. The “loving favour” of the proverb is how God and others treat you, which you can choose by living a consistent life of godliness and love toward them. An excellent spirit will cause others to love you.
So great are these goals – your reputation and esteem by others – they should exceed any other goal. Men work long days of hard labor for many years to get rich, but building a good name and reputation are more important. If you had a choice between a good reputation and precious ointment, which was of great value in Israel’s very dry climate and provided much personal pleasure, you should choose the good name (Eccl 7:1).
Consider your funeral (Pr 10:7). The memory of just men is blessed, but the name of the wicked shall rot. How will you be remembered? How long will you be remembered? Will your memory bring pleasant thoughts to hearts? Or will most cringe and be relieved? The number of persons, and their character, and their reaction at a funeral say a great deal.
You have two names. Your first name is your personal name, a unique identifier among the billions on earth. How you live and treat others creates the reputation of your first name. God gave you that name at birth with a blank reputation. What have you done with it since? You have either enhanced it or damaged it. With a single word, your name, reactions and thoughts are triggered in others. What are those thoughts?
Your second name is your surname or family name. How your family lives and treats others creates its reputation. Do you promote your family name? Or are you letting it decay? Do others desire to be with your family? Or have they been offended enough to back away? Do others want to marry into your family to obtain an interest in a good name? A good surname takes consistent godliness from many different persons.
David had a great name in the Bible. His name was much set by in Israel (I Sam 16:18; 18:30). Though Saul was king with a princely son, Jonathan and the nation loved David, for he was better than any other (I Sam 18:1-16). Everyone wanted to be with David, be like David, or be married to David. He earned this by being gracious, humble, and wise at all times. God chose this man, though a sinner, as an example of a great name in Israel.
Blessings at Solomon’s coronation included having a name greater than his father David’s name, which was easily the greatest in Israel (I Kings 1:47). Even God compared all later kings to David, and he was described as a man after God’s own heart. What a goal! How do you measure up, reader? Good fathers will want their sons to exceed them in reputation and loving favour, for they will know the many mistakes they have made.
Nabal was the opposite. He was churlish – overbearing, harsh, and difficult (I Sam 25:2). His name meant fool, and even his wife said he was a fool (I Sam 25:25). He was a man of Belial – wicked and profane. The Lord let him think about dying for ten days before killing him, so David could marry his beautiful wife right after his funeral (I Sam 25:39).
Consider Joseph. Though a slave, he earned the loving favour of God and Potiphar by his exemplary conduct (Gen 39:1-6). Though charged with attempted rape, he earned the loving favour of God and the jailor (Gen 39:19-23). Though a long-term prisoner, he earned the loving favour of God and Pharaoh (Gen 41:38-45; Acts 7:10). Anyone who says their circumstances or past have poorly affected their name is just making excuses.
Consider Daniel. Though a captive eunuch from a strange, small country, he earned the loving favour of God and Ashpenaz, the prince of the eunuchs in Babylon (Dan 1:9). Though living a public life for many decades, his enemies could not find a single error or fault by which to accuse him to the king (Dan 6:1-5). What a role model for young men!
What can you do to build your name and reputation and win the loving favour of others?
Everything you do every day contributes toward your reputation and the favour of others. No matter how small or large, the accumulated effect of your words and actions combine to give God and men an appraisal of your character and faithfulness. Therefore, it is your solemn duty and privilege to keep your heart, lips, and feet with all prudent diligence.
Graciousness is the greatest trait for a good name and the loving favour of others, for it can win the friendship of kings and cause women to be always honored (Pr 22:11; 11:16). It is the perfect combination of gentleness, kindness, humility, and cheerfulness that makes men and women charming and delightful. How gracious are you?
Men love those who help build their lives (Pr 27:9,17; Ps 141:3). Are you a tree of life to others (Pr 11:30; 15:4)? Do they benefit by being around you (Pr 9:8; 25:12; 28:23)? Do they seek you for help? Would you help fellow prisoners like Joseph did? Or your captors like Daniel did? Or a lustful king like Esther did? Or many widows like Dorcas did?
Is your speech a healing balm, a sarcastic whip, or a foolish noise? Men love pleasant and good words that are kind, gentle, friendly, and helpful (Pr 12:18; 16:24; 18:21; 25:11). Is your speech always gracious with only a slight saltiness of rebuke to it (Col 4:6)?
Charity never fails! If you learn and apply the fifteen phrases describing true love (I Cor 13:4-7), your name will blossom as a beautiful flower. If your name is not great and your friends are few, it is evidence you have not learned true love. Charity never fails!
Just a little folly can spoil a reputation quickly (Eccl 10:1), so you must avoid even the appearance of evil (I Thess 5:22). And you must quickly make amends for offences (Matt 5:23-24). Ruling your spirit constantly is necessary to stay virtuous (Pr 16:32). Paul took extra measures to make sure he could never be accused of dishonesty (II Cor 8:21).
Warren Buffet, one of the world’s richest men and well received most anywhere, knows the wisdom of this proverb. He teaches others, “It takes twenty years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you will do things differently.”
John D. Rockefeller, one of the wealthiest men in human history, said, “The most important thing for a young man is to establish a credit – a reputation, character.” He also said, “Next to doing the right thing, the most important thing is to let people know you are doing the right thing.” This latter idea agrees well with Paul (Ro 12:17; II Cor 8:21).
If you are young, you have an advantage. Your reputation is still being formed, and you should apply yourself with all diligence to make it the very best before God and men. If you are young, you have not made as many mistakes as older persons, meaning you have less to live down. Choose today to make this proverb a high goal and live according to it.
Have you blown your reputation already? Do you think it is too late? It is never too late, if you will repent before God, confess your sins to him, confess your faults to others, and make amends or restitution for any wrongs you have done. David recovered his reputation after terrible sins, and so did Zacchaeus and Peter (Luke 19:1-9; Gal 2:9).
Your name and reputation are daily choices, and you should choose to build them and preserve them more than any other project or goal. You can change your name and reputation, so consider it a blessed privilege, duty, and a high priority for your life. Rather than emphasizing exercise, diet, and sleep to build your body, which has little value to God or men, exercise yourself unto godliness and loving others (I Tim 4:7).
Husband, do you love your wife enough to help build her name and loving favour with others? Parent, do you understand the importance of this proverb as a goal for your children? Diligent efforts should be made every day to make sure your family name and that of each family member is clear of offence. What a wonderful family objective!
If you have taken the name of Jesus Christ as a Christian, it is important that your name and reputation give honor to your religion and its Leader (II Tim 2:19). Be like those of Pentecost, who grew in favor with all the people (Acts 2:47; Phil 2:14-16). Let your life adorn the doctrine of God with glory and beauty (Titus 2:5,8,10). Be like those nameless brethren endorsed by Paul as “the glory of Christ” (II Cor 8:23).
Jesus of Nazareth grew in favour with God and men during his youth (Luke 2:52). He was most gracious in conduct and speech (Ps 45:2; Luke 4:22). Because He loved righteousness and hated wickedness, God’s loving favour blessed Him with the oil of gladness above His fellows (Heb 1:9). His name is above every name by many measures. Choose to have a perfect name, even as His name is perfect in heaven and in earth. ( J. R. Crosby a friend of mine )

Just who are making all these Dicey Decisions?
I'm glad you asked!
Scott: DM and creator of Dicey Decisions. College professor in the real world, certified amazing everywhere else. Corin: The producer and behind the scenes wizard that keeps the stream flowing while we are busy role playing. Brandi: Marketing, Social Media, and Graphic Design. Brandi is a maladaptive daydreamer-teacher-fantasy author with an infamous stubborn streak and questionable addictions to social media and graphics software.
That brings us to our players... in no particular order and with minimal fanfare we have...
Name: Daniel Character Played: Garrick Stillbraid, Half-Elf Paladin Occupation: Healthcare Data Analyst First TTRPG: D&D 1st edition TTRPGs Played: D&D (1e - 5e), Pathfinder 1e, The One Ring, Star Wars (Fantasy Flight), Star Trek Adventures Favorite TTRPG Character: Izar Goldbranch, Half-Elven Acid Savant Sorcerer (D&D 3.5e) Favorite TTRPG Memory: After an Orcish citizen was found decapitated in their home and the party trying their damndest to not let racial tensions boil out of control, I accidentally set off a blood brawl with some unfortunate (and completely coincidental) wording: "Everyone calm down. There's no reason for anyone to lose their heads." Other Hobbies: Film, Theatre, Sports, Cooking, Professional Wrestling, Video Games (especially Open World Games) Fun Fact: My first semi-regular artistic gig was writing for a short-lived Miami-based wrestling promotion in the late 1990s.
Name: Amanda Character Played: Ashrina Gemmender, Gnome Rogue First TTRPG: D&D TTRPGs Played: D&D & Call of Cthulu Favorite TTRPG Character: My first ever D&D Character I made- Eloise the child rogue. She was a little hobo who stole and hoarded every piece of food she could get her hands on. I think about creating her for a full length campaign all the time. Favorite TTRPG Memory: I once "ruined" an encounter that was meant to overwhelm us in wave-style combat while one of our members was channeling a 10 minute spell with a wall of fire spell that I circled around the party thus rendering all the baddies useless as they burned up passing through the wall. Other Hobbies: Bowling, Video Games, random crafting Fun Fact: I have two giant dogs, a Great Dane and a Great Pyrenees and between the two of them they weigh 300+ pounds and consume 10 cups of food a day.
Name: Jack Character Played: Sliver, Human Bard First TTRPG:TTRPGs Played: Favorite TTRPG Character: Favorite TTRPG Memory: Other Hobbies: Fun Fact:
Name: Sean Character Played: Kid, Half-Elf Rogue Occupation: Paid geek First TTRPG: AD&D 2E 3E 3.5E 4E 5E, Pathfinder, Blackmoor, Dungeon Crawl Classics, Savage Worlds (Deadlands, Necessary Evil, Space: 1889), Warhammer / 40K Roleplay, 7th Sea, Call of Cthulu, World of Darkness, RIFTS, Shadowrun, Legend of the 5 Rings, Ryuutama, SPLINTER, Kult Favorite TTRPG Character: Kakita Kenshin, a noble swordsman from the Kakita clan, who was killed in an honor duel at the Imperial Winter Court in an intrigue engineered by another player at the table. His death was so dramatic and unexpected that the entire table gasped as the final blow was struck. When you can create a character and participate in telling a story with enough depth and emotional weight that a character death is actually impactful - that's when RPGs truly come alive for me. Favorite TTRPG Moment: There are too many wonderful moments to count, but my favorites are the emergent RP moments that happen in a roleplay heavy group. In one homebrew campaign, I was gifted a drunken dwarven bard to play named Oakstone Flamehammer. While attempting to secure the aid of a foreign court, he was accused of lying to the assembled nobles. In a fit of rage, he bellowed back, "Lie? LIE?! I'M TOO DRUNK TO LIE!", passed the charisma check with flying colors, and aid was secured. I'll never forget that moment, or the friends that I made during that campaign. Other Hobbies: Road trips / traveling, video games (Destiny 2 warlock main) and retro game collecting, miniatures painting / modeling Fun Fact: I have been playing make-believe and inhabiting fantastical worlds my entire life. For as long as I can remember, video games have been my primary hobby and passion - I still own my original INTV System III - and I firmly believe that there is no better way to connect with people, engage with stories, or evoke memory than through the spirit of play.
Name: Justin Occupation: Network Engineering Consultant Character Played: Tarlan Hillspark, Halfling Cleric First TTRPG: AD&D 2nd Edition TTRPGs Played: D&D 2e, 3e, 3.5e, 4e, 5e. Pathfinder, Paranoia, Call of Cthulhu, World of Darkness, In Nomine, BESM, Gurps, Star Wars D6, Star Wars Fantasy Flight, Mutants and Masterminds, Avatar Legends, Shadowrun, Blackmoor Favorite TTRPG Character: "Doctor", Kenku Cleric/Wizard plague doctor Favorite TTRPG Memory: It was D&D 3.5 at a living greyhawk table playing a human wizard. The entire party had fallen to a pack of wolves and dire wolves leaving Viktor alone, out of spell slots, facing off against the last dire wolf standing. Viktor was in robes armed with a quarter staff... and stood his ground against the Dire Wolf avoiding every attack thanks to some awful rolling on the DMs part. He was later dubbed Viktor the Invincible after clubbing the dire wolf to death and stabilizing his party. Other Hobbies: Board games, video games, trading card games... one day I will grow up and have adult hobbies... maybe... Fun Fact: I have 5 tattoos with 3 more planned once I get the money and time. 1 - Kanji for "not dying" between my should blades. 2 - Captain America's shield on my right bicep. 3 - A raven on my left pec. 4 - An ellipses and semi-colon on my right wrist. 5 - Chester Bennington's wrist flame on my right forearm in his honor. Next tattoo will be a quarter sleeve rainforest on my left shoulder and bicep with an animal representing each of my kids (Monkey, Frog, Fish).

Every night, against his will, Kenneth would relive every awful moment of it. Pulled back into his hellish youth through a dream. The same dream he found himself in once again. He was in a place now so familiar that he could actively acknowledge his unconscious state, but he could never wake up from it. Not until Steve had his fill. Not until he was satiated in his place from beyond the grave, firmly in charge of this horrific dominion within his victim's damaged psyche. It was an evil dreamland, somehow designed to re-inflict every harrowing humiliation and brutal torture experienced in the waking world. The disgusting past, revived.
Kenneth shivered as the cold wind battered against his scantily-clad body. The same as always, he was wearing his pajamas. Now far too small and disintegrating on his adult-sized frame, they tore and fell away as he walked, leaving him little more than torn rags for comfort against the elements. The harsh earth stung under his bare feet. Uniformly black, contrasting the sickening reddish sky which hugged cragged mountain tops on horizons far out of reach. A small light emanated in the distance. Following his usual robotic routine, Kenneth stumbled towards it like a moth to the flame.
The wind ceased almost instantly as he grew nearer and its howling was replaced by an intimidating silent totality. There was no sound left whatsoever besides the first whisper. Loud and clear, as if right in his ear. Right on que. There was nothing he could do.
"To come or go after and take or bring back.
All the children, wrapped up in black.
Venture forth or turn around.
A soul once entered is already bound."
It was his voice. It made Kenneth want to wretch, to empty his nonexistent stomach, but such reliefs weren't present. Not permitted. Stripped from Kenneth like so many other things before, injustices of which he'd now face all over again. His horror was an internal one. The ability to react, dulled and blunted, as if tranced. His foreknowledge of the impending trauma rained a great heavy dread upon the sullen atmosphere of the nightmarish place. A literal rain. Slimy like oil. The air hung heavy, further slowing his movements. Kenneth struggled on regardless, shuffling towards the second glow amidst the growing fog. The second taunting installment retelling his miserable history.
The light blinked out, plunging the landscape into darkness once again. The sky's pale crimson glow only slightly revealed his surroundings, occasionally lit up with bolts of unseen violet lighting. Not that there was anything for Kenneth to see. Nothing to do but obey. Steve's voice throbbed in the void around him. A cruel mockery, cawed in a distorted imitation of the man who'd destroyed his life before it even had a chance to truly begin. The monster who snuffed his innocence out forever.
"All alone the lady waits,
Devoid of a father, whom they now both hate.
House is empty, home is cold.
A shallow dream, eagerly sold."
Visions of his mother tore at Kenneth and he did everything he could to resist, to stamp them down and lock them away. But the more he struggled, the harder it was to keep them at bay.
"A sweet relief, a sweet reprieve. A lovely replacement,
named Steve.
Steve is kind, Steve is nice.
Kenny's mother, in a vice."
Another clockwork recurrence chilled Kenneth as he felt the eyes. Turning to meet them, the wind returned; crashing against him and sending him tumbling to the coarse desert floor. The ashen texture coated everything, acrid and burning in his nostrils. Piercing debris like shattered glass clung and then fell back to their place among the filth as Kenneth strained to get back up. To his relief, Steve wasn't moving yet. Just… standing there. Right on the edge of his visibility. Waving…
He didn't act like the Steve that Kenneth had known in the waking world. The rhymes, that was nothing like him. But the way he… it, would deliver them… that was just Steve all over. That smug cadence, made manifest in a demon now all too real. It cocked its head as it brought its hand back down to its side before extending it outwards. A long bony finger beckoned to Kenneth.
"No…" he whimpered. Desperate to escape the inevitable. "Just… go away…"
"He takes you away to a different place.
Leaves an awful mess all over your face.
'Tell a soul, my little whore,
Then you will suffer.
Your mother, and more."
"Do you remember, Kenny?" It began to advance. An onyx phantom, silhouetted and drawing nearer. "Do you remember the toolshed?" A creature, becoming clearer.
A shrill cackling laughter filled the night air, which immediately became much darker. Thicker. Like being underwater. The monster broke from a shamble into a sprint and fight or flight sent Kenneth running too. The shock that had held him in place cleared fast with the adrenaline, spurring him to flee. To escape that terrible place, once and for all. He could hear its heavy, lumbering footfalls advancing close behind. A sharp pain shredded through him from his bloody soles to his pounding chest, close to bursting, when a cave presented itself in the distance. Small, but safe. A false safety.
A tiny candle flickered dimly in its narrow entryway and as it finally became within reach Kenneth thrust himself inside and awaited his imminent punishment with clenched fists, but his monstrous pursuer was gone. For now. Picking up the fragile light source and shielding it with his cupped hand, Kenneth began to go deeper. The passageway was thin, but there was nowhere to go except forward. There was a strange feeling emerging from inside, one long awaited.
"Of inky black and rotten sack, a filthy mongrel answers back.
Tell him quietly, watch him whimper. Tell him loudly, hear him holler.
The mother tries to help her son. Steve is angry, he says he'll maul her."
A flash of righteous anger bubbled in Kenneth as he felt the presence behind him. Once again eager to give chase.
"And I did maul 'er. Didn't I, boy?" Kenneth heard it scrape its claws on the cold stone wall. Screeching like nails on an old, long abandoned chalkboard. "It's your fault what happened to her."
Another hideous cackle, only this time stifled, Kenneth's response overcoming it in the constricting chasm.
"Fuck off, Steve! You fucking piece of shit!" He'd always wanted to say that, it spewed out all frothy and furious like he imagined it would. A thirst for retribution fuelled him, flowed all through and inspired a long dead hope within. A puncture in its invulnerability. "I'm not afraid of you anymore!"
Kenneth believed it. He knew it, and so did the monster.
"Through Muffled screams and burning holes,
Steve continues, ignoring 'no's'.
Searing flesh, the work is done.
'Uncle Steve', has had his fun."
The cave walls began to rumble, and through some invisible quaking force they splintered and cracked, flooding the dim tunnel in a sea of sparse debris. Two round searchlight-like eyes beamed at Kenneth through the dusty mist as it extinguished his little candle. Silence once again, punctuated only by shallow breath before being interrupted by a deep penetrating growl. The eyes closed, and in the darkness of the tunnel the two's chase ensued. The passage grew slimmer and skinnier with each step and eventually the slick thuds of pounding steps on wet stone were reduced to grunts and pained moans as Kenneth squeezed and crawled and shimmied through dank shafts and up and down stairs and across chambers full of black crystal formations. Impossibly black. Blacker than the remotest void of space. Darker than a sea of dead stars. The sight captivated Kenneth, tempting him to stop and fall into it forever. To give into it. But as he was right on the precipice of the endless cosmic lagoon, about to start tumbling, he heard it stirring behind. Snorting and laughing. Clicking and mumbling incomprehensibly. Scratching and scraping its thick filthy claws in an effort to regain control. To prove its ownership. Kenneth was done. He wasn't scared anymore, he repeated it in his head like a mantra. Giving everything to believe it.
"Amber leaves and dirty knees,
A wife held down, who hardly sees.
Always stoic, mummy's soldier.
No escape from your enclosure..."
Kenneth ducked back and slid into a large crack in the wall as the monster entered into the small crystal chamber, the exit now blocked with its menacing presence. Kenneth held his breath, clamping his hands down tightly over his trembling bottom lip.
"Trapped again, little Kenny,
No escape without a penny.
Tell aloud, try to run.
Watch her suffer.
It's never done."
Thick slopping drool seeped from its distended maw as it lurched past Kenny's hiding spot in the wall. Mere feet away from taking him, bringing him back. Pulling him under. It cooed for him. Humming a sweet song, one he barely remembered. It made him want to give in, for the last time. But he didn't, refusing to scream. Refusing to give it what it wanted.
After a while the creature began to double back, creeping towards the exit from whence it came. As its sweet serenade slowly disappeared, Kenneth climbed out and made a break for it, trudging through the darkness using his hands as eyes. No more song, no more Steve. Kenneth crawled through the mud, desperate to leave. The cold cave air was becoming hot, and as Kenneth traveled ever deeper the walls began to rot. Flesh came away with each frantic grasp, choking poor Kenneth and making him gasp. The musky dead passageway was emitting a horrid miasma. It burned and it stung, rekindling his asthma. But push onward he did, embracing his chance. Ready to face down the monster for one last dance.
"A comforting weapon,
The cold steel gun.
In your tiny palm it weighs a ton.
Grip it tighter, hide it good.
Kill Uncle Steve like a hero would."
Kenneth was in control, a rhyme of his own. Ready to kill. Not maim, but dethrone. Just as in childhood, he felt the gun's weight. Now all the more lighter, and though the darkness remained, it was as if it grew brighter, empowered by the knowledge that he now was a fighter. So he clambered on through the decaying dark tunnel. The tunnel, it seemed, leveled out like a funnel. In through the mouth and down the thin trail. Then into a slide where he slid like a snail. The final hill of a terrible ride, when Kenneth popped out he was no longer inside.
"Childish lies, naievity.
No heroes at all in your nativity.
A growing hope, finally time?
Not so fast, you'll always be mine."
Kenneth got up and looked all around. High above the sea, and yet feeling as if drowned. A precarious mountain top, just him and Steve. A long way down, He could tumble with ease. Kenneth raised the gun, a shake in his knees. About to end the fiend that haunted his dreams.
"Think you're ready?
Think you're strong?
Uncle Steve knows that you won't last for long!"
"Maybe not… but at least you'll be gone…"
Spark and tinder, the monster did splinter. Cast down below, into the cold winter. Kenneth rejoiced, the gun by his side. The ultimate tool that helped leave him behind. Finally free, he yelled and he screamed. Feeling released in the ultimate reprieve. But as his cries carried all through the scorched mountain tops, blood began pouring. The sky weeped like a fountain.
"A trembling hand,
Another chance.
Little Kenny,
is 'free' at last.
Lost his mother, got no friends.
Always alone, no matter the ends.
So know this, my tiny child.
I am undying, forever beguiled.
And you, sad pup, are forever defiled…
I'll always be there. I have the means.
There's no escape, while I lurk in your dreams."
The celebration ended with the stark revelation. The gun met his temple to defy the cantation. Steve's mocking screech, the final desecration. And with a loud bang, he was back in his bedroom…
"Fuck!" Kenneth sprang up and fell to the floor. His shallow breathing leveled out as the pill bottle's lid joined him. He'd been there before. "Not again…"
He choked down six, triple the dose… Now back in this life, that he hated the most.

Welcome to Green Valley

Four Merry Jaunts Through in the Bumpkin Quest Campaign

It’s a big world filled with far off folks who have far off problems. In the quaint farming town of Hills Furrow that has certainly not been the case. Here life is simple, local, and paced by the seasons. There ain’t been a need for “Venturers” and their ilk since your Papaw was just a sprout. However, the winds of change are blowin, and things are about to git just a bit more exciting round these parts.
Welcome to Green Valley, The down-home home of Rural Fantasy Misadventures and Grass-Roots Shenanigans. The Valley is Filled with Colorful Characters, Brimming with Odd Ball Neighbors, and has more than a few Local Yokels. Welcome to Bumpkin Quest. These adventures are intended to be a series of silly adventures that all go awry in some way or another and stir up trouble throughout a peaceful little village that has in many ways been overlooked by the troubles of the world “outside”.
CHAPTER 1: Green Tide CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent CHAPTER 4: High Society
ADVENTURE MECHANICS - Target Character Level: Commoners - Level 1 - Target Party Size: Four Players - Average Adventure Playtime: 1-2 Hours - Tone: Rural Misadventures
I’ve also put these adventures into a PDF that includes our Bumpkin Quest: Campaign Guide which fills in the details of Green Valley pretty thoroughly. The quests are simple enough to be run in any setting you choose, but if you're interested in more the Guide as over a dozen Custom Maps, 70+ NPCs, Location Descriptions, 20+ Local Legends, and Scores of Adventure and Event Ideas. You can grab the PDF Free at the link above.

Hills Furrow

At the center of the Valley sits a patch of small grassy hills, through which the Slow Water meanders through. Built into these hills is the Village of Hills Furrow. Celebrated by everyone living in The Valley and boasting a whopping population of almost 150, Hills Furrow is the center of commerce and social importance. Well, at least as far as the locals are concerned. Realistically it would be less than a blip on the grand scale of things, a mere kernel of wheat in the silo of civilization, but to those who live here, there is nothing quite like living in the “city”.
The Village itself, like the Valley, is predominantly Halfling, and their fancy dwellings are burrowed into the hillsides as often as possible. These dwellings have been family owned for generations only becomeing available if there are no heirs to pass them along to. Other folk live in well kept two story shingled buildings, most of which house a business on the lower floor and house the Shopkeepers and their families above their workplaces, though a few live in nearby homes. There aren’t many “rental” spaces in town, as property is usually bought up quickly by the Halfling Families, but there are long term options at either of the Inns in town.
Hills Furrow: Locations 1) The Crocked Crow (Inn and Tavern) 2) The Dancing Lamb (Inn and Tavern) 3) The Moaning Toad (Tavern) 4) Granny's Groceries (General Market) 5) Get Nailed (Hardware and Distilery) 6) Gimdurh's Hammer (Smithy) 7) Brenra's Mechanicals (Tinker) 8) Hjoldren's Home Goods (Carpenter) 9) Standard Industries (Office) 10) Fit to be Dyed (Tailor) 11) The Last Loaf (Baker) 12) The Cloudy Cleaver (Butcher) 13) Nature's Medecine (Apothecary) 14) Sheriff's Office 15) Green Valley School House 16) The Waterwheel 17) The Windmill 18) The Undercloak Estate 19) Truefoot Burrow 20) The Meadows Family Hill
The people themselves are hospitable and friendly enough, but they do not really trust outsiders. Folks from foreign places are good for trade, news, and little else. Those that come through are treated well enough as long as they don’t wear out their welcome. Locals, well, that’s a bit of a different story. The city and area doesn’t operate under a written caste system or social structure, but there is clearly a pecking order, and family heritage matters a great deal to folks in Hills Furrow. Most locals, whether they’ve gotten an education or not, can easily be classified as simple. It isn’t that they are slow of mind or unintelligent, but more that they are unconcerned with matters the outside world considers important. This sentiment has created a general, but friendly, dislike between those that consider themselves Highfalutin and those that clearly are not.
Well now that I've given you the fifty cent tour. Shall we get on to adventure?

CHAPTER 1: Green Tide

We will open our journeys in the Green Valley at Green Tide, the annual celebration of Winter’s End. This adventure is designed to give a tour of Hills Furrow and introduce them to the locals. It will begin with some chores around their house to prepare for the festival and end with a battle involving an enchanted broom. If you did not do Session Zero, this chapter may take a bit longer as we get to know everyone and their characters.

ACT 1: Pre-Festival

The locals spend the week cleaning out their houses and farms. They gather old junk and unused items to be used later in the festival. They also begin preparing what food is left from winter to be used in a celebration and feasts.
Things to do! - Have the Players clean up junk around the house - Have them Find something strange (Perhaps used for a later mystery?) - Have them Decorate their Broom - Have them run a Household Errand (Meet an NPC)

ACT 2: Sweeping Day

A merry festival celebrating Spring cleaning and putting the past behind them. They form a parade, with one member from each house carrying a brightly decorated broom and using it to symbolically “Sweep Away Winter”. The rest of the family marches their winter’s trash and unused goods down to the Fairgrounds. The goods are often traded, while the trash is piled in the fire pit to await burning later. The entire day is filled with fun outdoor activities. Households also symbolically bring their problems to the bonfires to burn them later.
Things to do! - March in the Parade - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals
EVENT: I Love a Parade
The parade will march North from near the Cross Roads in the South up around the hill and back again to the South where it will head for the Fairgrounds. There isn’t anything particularly challenging about this event, but it would be a wonderful place to start leaning into or building local rivalries.
EVENT: Never Seen a Broom Do That… As they come into the home stretch of the Parade one of the local’s Brooms will animate and take off. It will chase folks around the parade. The players can attempt to stop it, but the broom will flee soon after being attacked. It will fly up into the air, attack a flock of geese, and chase them off until it can’t be seen anymore. They can go and collect a fallen goose if they wish. I highly recommend giving it a motorcycle type sound as it flies around hitting folks. Maybe even going as far as giving it a rough gravel angry voice and letting it insult people.

ACT 3: Winter’s End

Winter’s End is a Combination of Groundhog’s Day and Fasnacht, this day gets a little wild. The Festival kicks off at dawn with the Great Gopher Hunt. Gophers are well known spies for The Voice of Winter and thus need to be hunted before they can tell The Voice to delay Spring. Gophers themselves are quite tasty, and are notoriously bad for crops, so this works out economically all around. Throughout the rest of the day families continue to contribute to the Bonfire Pile which often gets quite large. At dusk a large effigy of The Voice of Winter is placed on top of the pile. Once the sun has fully set they light the fire and burn the Effigy. Folk usually dress darkly during the day and brightly at night. After the burning they feast on sweets and treats that were made from goods saved up from winter storage.
Things to do! - The Great Gopher Hunt - Carry Junk to the Bonfire - Meet more of the Locals - The Fairground’s Activities
EVENT: The Great Gopher Hunt The Hunt begins at dawn and takes place all over the Valley. Locals race to collect as many Gophers as possible. It is easiest to kill the Gopher, but there are some that find that distasteful. Instead they live trap the critters. It is a bit tougher to do so, but an option should your players wish. This is most easily played out as a series of appropriate Skill Checks, in which the higher they score the more gophers they obtain.
EVENT: Trash Removal They may find some locals willing to pay them to help cart junk down to the bonfire pile. Not a lot of skill involved in this, but it is a great opportunity to meet locals, and you could throw a runaway cart at them.
Fair Activities They will probably want to take part in Fairground Activities. Players love these types of challenges. Here are a few ideas you can build on. - Axe Throwin: Basic attack rolls on a Round Target. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Bow Shootin: Basic attack rolls on Moving Targets. Higher scores equal Higher points. - Pig Chasin: Catch the greased Pig! Medium DC Challenge requiring three success before three Failures. - Mud Wrastlin: Nothing says bumpkin like a good Mud Wrastlin Pit. Contested Skill Challenges. - Sausage Eating Contest: Increasingly difficult DC Challenge. Eat till you puke! Can also be Pies or Ribs or Little Fish… you know whatever someone wants to stuff dozens of in their gullet. - Tug O’War: Team Strength Challenge. Three to Five Contested Rolls with opposing teams. - Gopher BBQ Cook Off: A Hard Culinary Challenge to see who can BBQ the best Gopher! - Races: Foot and Mount Races based on Three to Five Contested Rolls. I usually include a few odd mounts like a Giant Chicken or some such nonsense.

ACT 4: Day of Ashes

The Day of Ashes is a day of rest, recovery, and reflection. Locals take the ashes from the bonfires and rub their hands in them to symbolize the end of a hard year’s work and hardships of the past. The day ends with a large family feast, typically Pork. Activities this day are light, but many folks head to the Temple for the Calling of Spring Blessings. They put on their fancies and head down to ask forgiveness for over-indulging in the festival and for worship. Well sort of…
Unfortunately, a lot of folks take this as an opportunity to peacock about and practice their one-upmanship over other locals. If you’re looking for inspiration for their outfits look to older photos of the Kentucky Derby. Over the years this troubling practice has caused more than one fight to break out after the service.
*Things to do! * - Go to Temple and Meet More Locals - Pick a Local Patron!
EVENT: Temple Services
The majority of the town comes to Temple on this day. The service is usually longer, and a bit more “Where have most of you been all year?” But otherwise it is a call for the Divine Blessings to touch their crops and protect their lives. It ends with a ceremony in which the locals put their hands into the ashes from yesterday’s bonfire. Once services end they will head outside, where the trouble will begin. Two of the wealthier families will get into it with each other. Starting with a couple of veiled insults, probably before service and continuing afterward. If one of your players is from a local Rich Folk family then they can be right in the middle of it all, otherwise they will have to pick a side. This choice will determine their house Patron moving forward. Tension will increase until folks start drawing up sides, and then someone will throw a rotten tomato at one of the House Matrons. That will blow the lid off the incident and a yokel brawl will break out. For comedy purposes I recommend the instant appearance of several food carts filled with expired products, and maybe a six year old hustler selling big sticks for wacking folks with. As the locals brawl call for perception checks. Who ever rolls highest begins to hear… The Broom returning!
ENCOUNTER: Stick In The Eye
The broom returns ready to whoop some ash. It will be absolutely bent on cleaning anyone and everyone who is even the slightest bit dirty! If it successfully attacks a character they will have to make a Strength Saving throw or be knocked to the ground and swept clean by the broom. As this would be an awful omen for the year folks are terrified and will be running around screaming. Absolute mass hysteria. If the players were lucky enough to hear it coming they can avoid being surprised by the broom. Otherwise the broom will get a full round to attack before they have a chance to do anything. They’ll have to beat the broom into submission any way they can before it sweeps the whole town into chaos!

CLOSING

After defeating the broom things will settle back down again. Bumpkins are quick to return to normal when things go awry. However, they will have gotten the attention of one of the Wealthy Families in the area and be offered jobs. Which family is really, based on what will work best for them and you as the DM. For gags you might be tempted to have the Yokels pick them up, but that is a hard bit to sustain, and you may be better served keeping them on the side as a comic foil rather than up front. Completely up to you. The session should end with them being invited to meet their new patron tomorrow someplace important.

CHAPTER 2: A Cartload of Chickens

After successfully defeating the Enchanted Broom, our Bumpkins have gained the attention of a possible local Patron. This individual has summoned them to a nearby farm to discuss future work. That work includes proving themselves capable and not just lucky.

ACT 1: Meet the Boss

In this Act the players will meet with their new patron, one of the Family Heads, who that is entirely depends on their choices from the last game. This entire side branch is designed to flavor the background of the campaign, but if you’d rather just have them stay freelancing and independent that’s fine as well. There is also the possibility of “competing” offers should they have second thoughts for any reason. Once they arrive at the meeting spot their Patron will ask them some questions about their ambitions (Class Goals), they will then hand them off to their new “boss” who will assign them their task. They will take them to a nearby barn.
NEW NPC: “Boss”
Needs a fitting name for the Family they work for...
Character wise, what we got here is a standard “Ranch Foreman” character. They’re tough, A little mean, and completely loyal to their employer. They almost certainly chew tobacco (by the handful), have a tattoo of the Ranch’s Brand, and know where all the bodies are buried. They also have a huge and obvious scar on the side of their head where a Giant Chicken pecked a hole in their skull, so they’re not as bright as they used to be, not at all truthfully. Nor are they actually the Foreman anymore, but no one has a heart to tell them. They’ve been quietly downgraded to Chicken Handler, which is something they seem to remember quite well, but the brain damage keeps them from realizing all that. They can be found wandering the Farm giving strange orders to other Hands. These Hands nod politely and then go back to what they are doing.
Things To Do! - Meet Their Patron - Discuss Their Future - Meet Their New “Boss”

ACT 2: Chicken Dance

Boss will lead them into the odd looking barn. This building is filled with Giant Chickens. These two-three foot fouls have extremely exaggerated features, spiky looking beaks with sharp tooth like edges, big darting eyes, bumpy cracked skin, long gnarled talons, and dirty mottled feathers. They’re more beast than bird. But, they’re good for eatin! These creatures should have a stat block similar to an Axe Beak. When the players enter into the Barn the Chickens will go nuts, obviously deeply bothered by the intrusion. Boss will throw in some deer haunches and the birds will tear them apart in a feeding frenzy. They will then put on a Chicken Suit and begin a flapping dance. (Google Magnificent Riflebird) It should be absolutely captivating and the chickens will become mesmerized, watching every move. Boss will then load two dozen chickens onto a large wagon and lock it. They will have the players push the wagon out while he keeps the Chickens calm. Once outside they’ll hang heavy tarps on the sides of the wagon, and remove the suit. He will then explain to them that they need to keep the tarps on the wagon, and keep the birds well fed, or the chickens will get restless and become violent. When they do need to interact with them someone will have to wear the suit and dance to keep them calm. The bigger the person in the suit the better. Boss will then give them a Map of Green Valley and instruct them to drop off two chickens at each of the outer settlements. They have two days to get this done.
Things To Do! - Head into the barn - Witness The Dance of The Chicken - Push the Wagon out - Get the Costume and Delivery Instructions

ACT 3: Bumpy Roads

They will be off to deliver the Chickens to various locations. There is no specific order to this delivery, they just need to pick a route and go. If they’re short on time they can take the country roads that lead between the outer settlements, but these aren’t as well kept as the main roads are. Whatever road they take and wherever they decide to stop for the night there are problems they will encounter along the way. You can make them random or pick the ones that best suit your players. Most of these should at some point require someone putting on the suit and dancing for the chickens to keep them calm. I would also increase the difficulty of each event. If they fail a dance the Chickens will become restless and start attacking the cart until they are calmed down. Too many failures and the wagon’s cage will break and the remaining chickens escape. They will then have to be rounded up and the cage repaired.
Things to Do - Decide the delivery route - Deliver the chickens - Keep the Chickens calm
Possible Road Events 1) Rough roads cause problems 2) Yokels attempt to see what’s in the cart 3) Bad Weather swamps the road or scares the chickens 4) Pack of Coyotes causes trouble. 5) Chicken Rustlers! Protect the Flock! 6) Wagon breaks and needs repair 7) Cows in the road, someone’s herd is out. 8) Broken Bridge, not gone, just broken

ACT 4: Final Delivery

They’re now closing in on the final delivery. Something needs to happen here to cause them to put the suit on. Or maybe they never took it off! I love that idea, that one of your players just loves the suit and wants to be a chicken… lol… Anyway I’m a fan of having them need to get out of the suit for some reason, maybe a bathroom break, or they stand on a fire ant hill, or a snake slithers up their leg. You know something silly and fun. BUT the zipper is stuck! So they’ll have to try and unstick it and fast! Whatever happens they’re going to get shot at by some hunters looking for a big score who have mistaken the flailing caused by the stuck zipper to be the chicken attacking. After dealing with the Hunters they can go ahead and make the final drop. And head home.
Things to Do! - Head for the final delivery - Get shot at! - Deliver the last chickens
ENCOUNTER: That’s a BIG Chicken!
Having two hunters in the field is more than enough to cause a problem for the players. The hunters will almost certainly surprise the players, but you can allow them a perception check, if they succeed they’ll see the hunters just before the muskets go off. It would be OK to down the Chicken Player here if the hunters successfully hit it. They’ll have healer’s kits on hand because, well, this seems to happen to them a lot out here. After the initial attack the players can decide to attack back or try and talk the hunters down. A basic Bandit or Scout stat block should do will for the hunters. If you’re looking for a bit more mayhem, if the hunters miss the players you could have them hit the cage, and you know, bust it open. This may be especially tempting if they
POSSIBLE ENCOUNTER: Big Ol' Frog
So there is a giant frog hiding in the mud down in the creek. If a player takes cover behind the banks there is a good chance that the frog will attempt to nab the player as a snack. If it is successful in grabbing a player with its tongue it will immediately head down river, and they'll have to chase it to get their friend back.

CLOSE

When they return, Boss will reward them. How much will depend on how successful they were delivering the birds. If they did a descent job, they will be paid two day’s wages each. If they were completely successful they can have a bonus. However, if the wagon is in bad shape they might have some money deducted. After they’re paid out, they will be dismissed, and told to expect a new assignment next week.

CHAPTER 3: Marvin the Magnificent

After successfully delivering chickens Boss is going to trust them with a more important task. Their employer has requested an item to be created by Marvin the Magnificent. This is a farming community so having enchanted Farming Equipment is extremely desirable. Marvin has done a lot of basic enchantments over the years, but this new one, an The Stone Skipper, a plough whose blade goes ethereal while in contact with stones too large to push away, has really put him to the test. He needs some help with the final enchantments. The players will have to travel to the Ethereal Plane and hit the Blade of the plow with large rocks. But there’s a problem, they’re going to have mischievous Ethereal Sprites attempting to stop them! If they’re successful, which they should be, they get to take the plough for a test drive, and deal with the strange side effects of the enchantment. Angry goats that blink in and out of existence.

ACT 1: To the Tower

They’ll be summoned out to the Ranch where they’ll meet with Boss again. Once there they will notice a large pile of bent and dinged up plows. Boss will explain to them that a recent land acquisition has become problematic. The Fields are filled with large stones just under the topsoil and they’ve damaged a lot of Plow Blades. The Smithing costs are getting out of hand and so their Patron is looking for an alternate solution to the problem. He is sending them to help Marvin the Magnificent, who has taken the job, but run into some complications and needs some help. They may ask about Marvin. Or perhaps the fields that were purchased, so be ready to answer these types of questions. Once they’re done here they can head to Marvin’s Tower, which is just north of town.
Things to Do! - Meet Boss again - Ask some Informational Questions - Head for the Tower
NPC: Marvin the Magnificent

ACT 2: Marvin the Magnificent

As they approach the tower they should see an explosion at the peak of the structure. It should look similar to a fireworks mishap. When it clears there will be no visible damage to the tower, But Marvin will plummet to the earth just off to the side of them, landing in a small pond. He will then come charging out of the pond, laughing hysterically, and riding on a large turtle. Once he gets a few feet away from the pond the turtle will disappear and he will tumble to the ground right in front of the players. He will leap up quickly and turn toward the players. “Behold Travelers, You stand in the presence of Marvin the Magnificent! And everything you have witness was mostly intended!” He will then strike a cool pose with his wand pointed to the sky! “Now why do you approach my tower!?”
Once Marvin finds out they’ve been sent about the plow he will become more nervous looking. “I see, well follow me. We have work to do.” He will then start walking toward the tower… his boots squishing out water. This should give them a little time to ask a few questions. Marvin will be a little subversive about what they need to do. He will attempt to frame it very mysteriously, saying things like “All will be revealed soon.” and “Save your questions! All Answers await us… in the future!” If they ask him about what they witnessed outside, he will tell them he was working on a mount summoning spell designed for lakes and rivers.
Things to Do! - Head toward the Tower - Meet Marvin - Ask Questions

ACT 3: The Cabinet of Mysteries

The inside of the Wizard’s Tower will be far more mundane than they likely expect. At least on the first floor. It will have a sitting room, dining room, and kitchen, as well as a few odds and ends about. Nothing special at all. The second floor, are Marvin’s personal quarters and some room for study, but it is the third floor, where Marvin will lead them, and it will be more of what one would expect in a Wizard’s tower. There will be books shelves, arcane equipment, and storage for components. In the middle of the room will be a tall cabinet.
:
Marvin will explain to them that the Cabinet is a transportation device, and that he will need them to enter into it with a plow that he has recently enchanted. They will be taken to the Ethereal Plane, and once there they’ll need to take the plow outside and begin hitting it with large field stones. There is a large pile of stones just on the north edge of the tower. They’ll have to do this quickly, before the “others” show up. Who are the others? Hard to say, but there are things that live in the Ethereal Plane that don’t like intruders. The idea is to imbue the Plow with Ethereal Powers so it can pass through large stones while plowing fields. Once they return with the Enchanted Plow, Marvin will have them load it on a cart, pulled by a very smart Donkey, and send them on their way.
Skill Challenge: Enchant the Plow This skill challenge will require five successes before they’re incapacitated by the others. However they decide to do it, they’ll have to successfully hit the plow with five large stones. Failures will result in strange indiscernible entities attacking them. They do minimal damage but could knock people out if there are enough failures.
Things to Do! - Move Through Marvin’s Tower - Enter the Cabinet - Enchant the Plow

ACT 4: Blinking Goats

Upon returning to Boss with the Plow they will be happily greet and paid. Their Patron will be there and will be very pleased with their success. He will ask them to demonstrate the plow’s abilities. Once they get set up out in the field and begin plowing something weird will happen. Every time they hit a stone and the plow’s power activates an Ethereal Goat will manifest and kick or ram the plow, and then disappear. It will feel very similar to what they encountered in the Ethereal Plane. They’ll have to find a way to deal with the manifestations.
ENCOUNTER: Ethereal Goats These goats should function very similarly to Blink Dogs, but I would trim the HP and AC a little to put them in line with the party’s. They will be intent on breaking the Plow not the party, although they will attack the party if they can’t get to the Plow.
Things to Do! - Deliver the Plow - Drive the Plow - Defeat the Ethereal Goats

CLOSE

Once defeated the Boss will come over to yell at them, but the Patron will find the entire thing amusing and more importantly, another impressive demonstration of the player’s skills. He will invite them to the “House” for an important party next week.

Chapter 4: High Society

They've definitely been noticed now and have impressed with their ability, unconventional as it may be. They are invited to their patron's home, but not as guests. Though, they might think they were actually invited as guests! They have been brought in to help work the event held out at the Party Field. They will have to gather party supplies, help put up the tent, and then serve the actual guests. During the evening’s entertainment a hypnotist “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will mesmerize the crowd and attempt to rob them all. Hopefully the players don’t fall victim to her schemes. And if they do oh well, they’ll be entertained all the same.

ACT 1: Special Delivery

The players arrive at the Patron’s very nice property. They will be greeted by a properly dressed servant with a clipboard, the Party Planner. The Planner will be rigid and direct. They will immediately begin tasking them about. If they mention that they were invited to the party the servant will laugh “You didn’t think you were a guest? Oh dear, how embarrassing. You’re the help! It is still a great honor to be tasked to help at the Party, but you’re not guests. Now as for your current task. Head into town and gather these supplies. Bring them to the field by noon.” After the instructions are given the servant will go back to their tasks and expect the players to do the same. They will have three stops; The Crocked Crow for Food and Beer, Get Nailed for the Tent and Spirits, and Shalana Proud-Breed’s Tailor Shop to pick up the Dry Cleaning. Feel free to make any and all of these go sideways! Its a good place to toss in some shenanigans as well! They should also be introduced to Dr Hypnotika and her associates.
Things To do! - Go to their Patron’s Home - Meet the Party Planner and Dr Hypnotika - Run their Errands
NPC: Dr Hypnotika
Dr Hypnotika and her group will perform for the party. Hypnotica is a Tiefling Mezmerist and illusionist. She has an obnoxiously high charisma and some pretty serious skills to back up her claims. However, she uses those skills to beguile her guests, robbing them blind while they are under her spells. She wears a fine robe with a bedazzled headwrap. She has dark upward spiraling horns, light purple skin, and matching eyes. She wears a monocle and walks with a ceremonially carved staff depicting the "Struggles of the Universe". She is extremely persuasive and even more deceptive. Even if someone were to grow suspicious she can easily talk her way out of trouble.
NPCs: Clapper and Bob Hypnotika brings with her two assistants. Clapper the suit wearing Kenku who will perform wondrous displays of mimicry and slight of hand, and her strongman Bob the Kobold. Bob wears a leopard print strongman's outfit and is amazingly swole, particularly for a kobold, and capable of lifting upwards of 400lbs. Bob doesn't do much else other than get hit with things. in the act.

ACT 2: Put up the Tent

After they finish running their errands they will be tasked with putting up a large party tent. This Act is an ongoing Skill Challenge and should have a constantly distracted feel to it. First they have to unpack the tent. Then they have to realize some pieces are missing, they’ll have to form a solution to that problem. After that wind should cause some problems as the tent is at least being pulled up. This is a great moment for some wondrous tom-foolery.
Things To do! - Unpack the tent - Deal with missing parts - Secure the tent during the wind gusts

ACT 3: Put These On

After they finish putting up the tent they’ll be sent to the Servant’s Quarters to bathe and change. They’ll get a little time to explore and snoop if they wish. Afterward they’ll be tasked with helping in the kitchen, but unfortunately the cooks are going to have been playing a drinking game all afternoon and are no longer fully capable of doing their jobs. This would make a great moment for some sort of mini-game where the players have to determine whether or not the cooks are doing the right things. Once the dinner has been completed they will have to serve the guests. This is a good place to insert gossip and help them meet a few other folks.
Things To do! - Get changed for the party - Deal with the drunk cooks - Serve the guests drinks and food

ACT 4: An Evening to Remember

At some point in the evening things are going to start sliding downhill. Some of the locals will have become extremely inebriated and will need to be encouraged to leave, or just moved off to the side as they’ve already passed out, before the show begins. Once the show begins the locals will become fixated on the goings on. “The Great Dr Hypnotika” will have put an additive in the drinks for the that will make everyone more susceptible to her powers of persuasion. Once the show starts she will have them all doing silly things, those who drank have disadvantage on saves against her powers. She will end the show asking the guests to display their most valuable treasure, a with a hypnotic pattern and then send her assistants out to collect those treasures. The players will have to “do something” about the thieves.
Things To do! - Deal with Drunks - Watch the Show - Stop the Criminals
ENCOUNTER: Hypnotika's Gang This encounter doesn't have to be a fight. If Hypnotika is caught she may claim it was all part of the act and simple return the valuables with a "no harm, no foul" type attitude. This will be he go to in an attempt to avoid a fight, but if the character persist in some kind of retribution or punishment the situation will devolve into a combat. Hypnotica herself is an Illusionist Wizard but is low on spells after the show. Clapper is a low level rogue and Bob a Barbarian, and should play out as such. Even with Skills they are combat adverse and will be looking for an opportunity to flee rather than fight. They do have a getaway wagon out front that they'll be headed for if things go south.

CLOSING

We’re assuming the Bumpkins at least attempted to stop the robbery. This will draw a lot of attention to them. Their Patron will be well pleased with them, and let them know they will be getting much more important jobs in the future. The guests will also take note and will begin treating them all a bit better. They’re all essentially Folk Heroes at this point for secondary backgrounds. Their Patron should reward them with something very nice as the party kicks back in. They will need to finish out the nights work of course.

Quest-line Closing

Congratulations! Your Players have completed their first Quest-line! Hopefully it was a delightful experience. But now that they've finished what comes next? Well, here are some ideas.
*Reward Them! * They've been doing some rather Adventurous things lately, and therefore should now have a Class Level under their belt, so the real D&D world now opens to them! Maybe it is time for some real adventuring gear. No more sticks, stones, and burlap sack armor.
Folk Heroes? There's a good chance that the Valley is Speaking the News about them and their exploits while drinking in the taverns. They may have even earned the actual Folk Hero Feat! Maybe someone would be interested in giving them a task!
Simply Go Exploring! There are a lot of places in Green Valley that we only dipped our toes into. You could have them head down to Stinkmarsh, or maybe climb up the cliffs of Longridge. The world (Well, the Valley) is wholly open to them.
Explore Local Legends There are lots of local legends they can look into! Hopefully they search out something that isn't too far over their heads!
Continue Working for their Patron It would be an easy DM go to simply to have them continue working for their current Patron. They've probably been impressive enough fo a family to be interested in keeping them on.
Establish Themselves as Adventurers! Maybe they want to set up a Adventurers for Hire business? This "Heroes Guild" approach is really appealing to a lot of players and absolutely plays into Bumpkin Quest. Just remember, this is a place of low key problems that locals make really big deals out of. So the idea of slaying dragons shouldn't really be on the table... that is until an actual dragon shows up! Which one day absolutely should.

February 2001: It’s a bright new era for Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. After years of mediocrity and flirts with relegation in the 1990s, a new ownership group is taking over from that cheapskate Alan Sugar. Meet your new overlords in English National Investment Company and your new chairman, Daniel Levy! Its sure to be a great start of a beautiful journey!
May 2001: Finishing 12th is not what you would call ideal. No European football. Not to mention bowing out in the FA Cup Semis and League Cup third round. Enjoy this new manager in Glenn Hoddle.
2001-02 : Sol Campbell signed with our eternal rivals in Arsenal! Levy didn’t offer him a new contract? What?? Doesn’t he know those Gunner clowns can’t be taking our players like that? We also finish 9th but made the League Cup final. It helps having the return of our goal scoring phenom in Teddy Sheringham. Adding Gustavo Poyet helps too. Still no European football.
2002-03: The best way to fight back into the elite is to have more goal scorers right? Welcome Robbie Keane from Leeds United! A crafty piece of business on our end! Him and Sheringham power us to…10th place. The fuck? And third round exits in the Cups…
2003-2004: Glenn Hoddle is underachieving! Get rid of him. David Pleat can surely handle the task at hand. Nope, we finished 14th…and still no trophies. But hey check out our shiny new forward in Jermaine Dafoe.
May 2004: Sol Campbell becomes a key contributor to Arsenal’s Invincibles season and wins the Premier League title. Does it feel cold?
2004-2005: Here’s our new manager in Jacques Santini ~goes 5-4-5~ ok never mind. Here’s our REAL new manager in Martin Jol, much more quality. He’s got the gusto and know-how to guide us to 9th and no trophies. At least Jermaine Defoe was the club top goal scorer…and Ledley King is coming into his own.
May 2005: Our other eternal rivals Chelsea win their first Premier League thanks to that outlandish manager Jose Mourinho and oligarch Roman Abramovich. All they do is buy players whenever they please. Pfft, that won’t be sustainable, they’ll come back to Earth eventually.
2005-06: Martin Jol has been a massive improvement to our fortunes. No trophies yet but we’re back in Europe. It’s good to be back in the UEFA Cup, think of the tv revenue. 5th place is a nice finish. Robbie Keane and newcomer Mido carried us to this spot. We should be keep them around for a while. Bringing in experienced talent like Edgar Davids and this young defensive midfielder in Tom Huddlestone helps. And check out our new record signing in Jermaine Jenas.
2006-07: Michael Carrick is a great defensive midfielder but Manchester United want his services. Here, take him. Edgar Davids is also much too old to be playing Premier League football. Our loss is also our gain with 15 million quid in the books. Let's invest that into a brand-new world class striker in Dimitar Berbatov. And Carrick's replacement in Didier Zokora certainly helps us...but we finish 5th again. No tropies either...at least European football?
2007-08: Jermaine Dafoe and Mido are gone. We need to replace them. Darren Bent seems like a good idea. But who the hell is this young left-back named Gareth Bale? Why is he worth 14 million pounds? Whatever, we need depth, he probably won't be much. Snap up this Jonathan Woodgate guy, too, someone has to help Ledley King here!
Oct 25, 2007: So you sacked Martin Jol at halftime against Getafe because reasons? Maybe if you stopped selling all his good players the division wouldn't have started. The fans are not pleased about this at all. Smooth them over with Juande Ramos from Chelsea.
League Cup Final 2008: All this leads to an 11th place finish, but fear not - YOU WON THE LEAGUE CUP! The first trophy since 1999, a true triumph. Certainly Spurs can aim higher now right?
2008-09: Juande Ramos is a fraudulent piece of shite that doesn't deserve to work in North London. We've promptly canned him for the legend that is Harry Redknapp. Just look at him inspire us to...8th place. We made the League Cup Final broken glass window and we've lost to Manchester United. And sold them Berbatov because money. This is shit. Enjoy this new midfielder signing in Luka Modric. He'd only become one of the best players in the world, nothing too crazy. Oh and Robbie Keane is back. So is Jermaine Defoe! Yay?
2009-10: A full season of Redknapp ball has led to a glorious prize! 4TH PLACE! Tottenham Hotspur will be playing under the lights on Tuesday and Wednesday! Play the music....THE CHAMPPPIONS! All it cost was loaning out Keane, selling Bent, and bringing in Peter Crouch. What a team we have forming. This Aaron Lennon kid is turning into quite the player. Oh and that Gareth Bale kid we paid a premium for? Yea, he's playing left winger now.
2010-2011: Champions League football requires Champions League talent. Quickly, let's eye up cheap deals for Rafael van der Vaardt, Sandro, and William Gallas. The attacking front of Crouch, Bale, Defoe, van der Vaardt, and Roman Pavlyuchenko powered us to 5th. It’s been a tough test balancing these nights. But did you see our massive victories against both Milan teams? I think we'll be back here in no time. Is it really a bad season without winning any trophies?
2011-12: A critical season. Harry Redknapp's contract is set to expire and Daniel Levy hasn't really been known to give coaches pay raises unless they merit it. Unfortunately, Peter Crouch is too old to keep around. Off to Stoke City with you, lad, thanks for that night at the San Siro. Bringing Emmanuel Adebayor from the exile of Manchester City should be a like-for-like swap. It all powers us to finish 4th again! HUZZAH! Another season of Champions League revenues! But still no Cups to take home.
2012 CL Final: Unfortunately, Chelsea did something incredible and won the Champions League in the most chaotic final in recent memory. Thus, for finishing 4th, you get Europa League football...god I hate Chelsea.
2012-13: Gareth Bale is becoming an elite winger without elite help. We've also decided to do something ridiculously unpopular and sell Luka Modric to Real Madrid for huge money. van der Vaardt is also out the door to Hamburg. The revenue brings in Hugo Lloris, Mousa Dembele, Clint Dempsey, and Jan Vertonghen. Under the plucky Andre Villas-Boas we finish 5th and go back to Europa. But our Cup showing was even more abysmal this season. Gareth Bale potted 21 goals...oh god he's next to go isn't he?
2013-14: The worst day has come. Gareth Bale has been sold to Real Madrid. He's joining up with Modric and Cristiano Ronaldo. The money reinvested brings in Christian Eriksen, Erik Lamela, Paulinho, Etienne Capoue, and the meme known as Roberto Saldado. Andre Villas-Boas' tenure was short-lived. Tim Sherwood is a former Spurs lad, surely he can lead us to greatness. If you call 6th place and no trophies greatness.
CL Final 2014: Luka Modric and Gareth Bale become key contributors to Real Madrid's Decima in the Champions League. Bale also scores one of the best goals of the campaign in the Copa Del Rey against Barcelona. The fans are pissed at Daniel Levy and ENIC.
2014-15: We've been knocking on the door of the elite English teams for a few seasons now. Time to put up or shut up. Tim Sherwood, you are not that guy pal. Mauricio Pochettino, welcome to Spurs. Here's the plucky academy kid in Harry Kane. Please get him firing, our striker woes are well-known. You want to sell Gylfi Sigurdsson and Sandro for this League One prospect in Dele Alli? Ok if you say so. Who the hell is Eric Dier and why do you want him? Culminating in a fifth place finish and League Cup final. Harry Kane scored 21 goals though...whoa.
2015-16: Defense needs an upgrade. Let's buy this experienced Belgian in Toby Alderwaiald. Him and Vertonghen played together before, surely it will work. We also need a left winger. How about Hueng-Min Son? He's been torching defenses for Leverkusen, he can surely do it here. The top teams are having a down season, now is the time to strike. We can smell the Premier League title in our grasp.
Final Matchday 2016: They finished third in a two-horse race after Leicester decided to have the greatest sports story ever play out in real life. It seems like a missed opportunity, but there is plenty to build on. Poch's team is coming together. Kyle Walker and Danny Rose are molding into elite fullbacks. The Belgians and Lloris are brick walls. Harry Kane is becoming a world-class striker. He even won the Golden Boot! They just need a little bit more to get over the trophy drought.
2016-17: Ok this is the year. We made it back to the Champions League, but this will be the last year at White Hart Lane. It's much too old for this modernizing football club. We need a really big stadium to bring in that sweet matchday revenue like our rivals. And I'm talking REALLY big, the best in all of England. It would be nice to fill it with some Champions League revenue and some silverware no? Well, seems like we finished 2nd and didn't win any Cups...AGAIN. But hey, Harry won the Golden Boot again! Dele Alli took serious strides in becoming a generational talent. Progress is progress amirite?
Final Matchday 2017: Chelsea win their 4th Premier League title since Abramovich took over. At least you finished above Arsenal again...that's a win isn't it?
2017-18: Kyle Walker has been sold to Manchester City because we like money over glory. Don't worry, we have a solid replacement with Kieran Trippier. We'll use the Walker money to bring a new defender in Davinson Sanchez from Ajax and right winger in Lucas Moura from PSG. Oh and for the hell of it, here's Serge Aurier from PSG too. Glorious depth. We still don't have a reliable backup striker, but how about a cheap deal for the aging legs of Fernando Llorente. He was good in a past life right?
Nov 1, 2017: By God, we've done it. We've slain the evil empire in Real Madrid. It's hard to believe a team of this size and caliber could scar the kings of Europe. Surely the only way is up from here.
March 2018: Nope, the knockout stages pit you up against a thunderous Juventus team that makes you their English bitch. Giorgio Chiellini goes on to make one of the most overused memes in all of football Twitter. "Iz di history of di Tottenham..."
Final Matchday 2018: Respectable 3rd place finish behind Manchester United lads. Too bad no trophies to go with it. Sigh... what else is new? We finished above Arsenal again...yay? Meanwhile, Kyle Walker is part of the Centurion Manchester City team...I need more liquor.
2018-19: Harry Kane is starting to get impatient. He needs to start seeing some silverware soon. Hueng-Min Son is emerging as a top forward in the league. Dele’s dropped off a bit but it’s just a blip, nothing to worry about. Jan and Toby are rock-solid at the back. We have a plucky solid squad, filled with some high-end talent but we didn't get any reinforcements in the summer...what the fuck? You do realize squads transition every season, ENIC? Where's Poch's reinforcements? Why did you sell Mousa Dembele mid-season, he was still useful! Oh dear god, what have they done? Oh that’s right…the new stadium. It’s still not done yet is it?
UCL QFs 2019: This is massive test. We managed to beat Barcelona in the group stage, and cake-walked through Dortmund in the Round of 16 but this is a new beast. We're up against the defending PL champs in Man City. Harry is hurt but we've got Sonny, Lucas, Chrisitan, Dele, and Fernando to make up for his goals. A huge pen save by Hugo on Aguero keeps us in the tie. Son puts us up 1-0 in the first leg. Going to the Etihad without Harry, it's a tight affair. Son and Sterling trading goals, Fernando kneeing in the go-ahead, Bernardo Silva pulling one back, 4-3 Man City, and seeing out the final whistle. Away goals take us over the line. Onto the Semis!
UCL SFs 2019: This Ajax team downed Real Madrid. They're gonna walk all over us. At least in the first leg. The second leg is a masterpiece. Lucas scored not one, not two, but THREE away goals to push us to glory! Gas up the bus boys, WE ARE GOING TO THE UCL FINAL!!!!
UCL Final 2019: What the actual fuck? How was that a handball on Moussa Sissoko??? IT HIT HIS BLOODY SHOULDER! You gifted this match to Liverpool, UEFA! (This is the moment that broke Tottenham Hotspur) And why the hell didn't Lucas start the game? After that fantastic hat trick? I don't care if Kane was fit to play, this is massive managerial blunder. Maybe this is the summer things start to change. All we got for this was a runner-up medal. At least we finished 4th in England. BUT STILL NO MOTHER FUCKING TROPHIES! writer proceeds to smash his laptop in the process
2019-20: The UCL Final should be a springboard for another potential title charge. Poch is calling out ownership for not wanting to give him signings. They only fumbled the Paulo Dybala signing, surely we can still trust Levy and ENIC right? Here's Giovani Lo Celso instead and Tanguy Ndombele to shore up the midfield. Here's our replacement for Danny Rose in Ryan Sessegnon. Unfortunately, Chrisitan Eriksen wants out and we let his contract run down. He leaves in January for basically nothing. Results are starting to flounder so Poch, pack your furniture and get out of our house. Meet our new manager: Jose Mourinho, the Special One. Just nobody tell Daniel he's been sacked infamously by both Chelsea and Manchester United for being a toxic presence. At least the new stadium is ope---ah fuck, it's COVID. An injury-plagued campaign culminates in a 6th place finish, but still no trophies. Another finish over those Gunners though! Why aren't you fans happy? We can't spend money, don't you see we didn't get any matchday revenue???
FA Cup Final 2020: Even though we finished above them, Arsenal take home an FA Cup with a squad arguably much less talented than Spurs. It was also against Chelsea...who finished above you. Can someone drive me to the nearest cliff please?
2020-21: A full season of Mourinho-ball. Tensions are starting to run high. Kane is pissed at the direction we're going. Jan Vertonghen and Kieran Trippier are gone. Dele Alli forgot how to play football under Jose. We need a new center-back...too goddam expensive. Let's convert Eric Dier to CB and have play back there, what's the worst that can happen? Fans aren't happy at all. I know the solution: you kids remember Uncle Gareth?? He's baaaaack! Sure, he's in his early 30s and a shell of himself but he's won 4 UCL titles and scored that fabulous bike kick in 2018. He's still class. Here’s a bunch of mid table players in Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg, Matt Doherty, and Joe Rodon to supplement the team.
March 2021: Europa League is quite winnable. Surely nothing bad will happen like you losing to a team who's manager is in prison for tax fraud. breaking glass sounds you fumbled a 2-0 agg lead to Dinamo Zagreb...who's manager was in prison for tax fraud. You're fucking pathetic you know that?
April 2021: Jose Mourinho is a dinosaur of English football. Look at him playing park the bus tactics while we can't defend score. Let's get rid of this cancer before it spreads. Who cares if it's six days before the League Cup Final against City? Why can't Ryan Mason see it out?
EFL Cup Final 2021: It's not a blowout loss, but it's clearly an overmatching. City run rampant on Spurs as they lift the trophy they basically own at this point. Fans are calling for Levy's head. In fact, they were calling for it as early as the FA Cup loss to Everton in the fourth round.
Final Matchday 2021: Jose refused to play Gareth Bale. Looking back that was a terrible decision. Bale and Kane power us to a 7th place finish. We finish above Arsenal again. It's a successful season in ENIC's checkbook. And there's still European football to play. Harry Kane wins another Golden Boot and the Golden Ball for most assists. We have to keep him around.
May 2021: Kieran Trippier and Christian Eriksen become key contributors to Atletico Madrid and Inter Milan's respective title wins. In other news, Juan Foyth wins the Europa League with Villarreal while on loan. Does that sound familiar?
CL Final 2021: Chelsea find another way to win another Champions League title, despite sacking a manger midway through the season and having misfiring forwards. And it was against Man City…who we beat every now and then.
2021-22: We need a director of football to help us match up to our rivals better. Fabio Paratici built Juventus in the most dominant club in Italy, surely he can replicate that in England. No we won't hire Paulo Fonseca and his 7 assistant coaches, way too much payroll. And no, you can't hire Gennaro Gattuso for his derogatory comments. Wait, where the hell is Harry Kane? Ahh I see he wants to be sold to Man City. HA! Doesn't he know he just signed an extension? Son has too, so if Harry wants to play hardball let him. Quickly, hire Nuno Espirito Santos as our fail-safe. He's not what we wanted but we fucked up so we're fucked now. Wait, how can we be so critical of ourselves? CHECK OUT THIS GLORIOUS STADIUM!!!!
Nov 2021: Nuno is terrible, he's lost 5 in a row. Who cares if we beat Man City on opening day? Get him out NOW! Get Antonio Conte in. It's another former Chelsea manager to restore our standing in the club.
Final Matchday 2022: HUZZAH! After a turbulent season, losing to wifi-password named clubs in the Conference League then getting kicked out of it for COVID reasons, Conte calling us out in the media multiple times, we galvanized ourselves to a 4th place finish. We're back, and it's thanks to the Juve rejects in Cristian Romero, Dejan Kulusevski, and Rodrigo Bentancur. Son won the Golden Boot, a true testament to his development at Spurs. Back on track. But still...no trophies. Another finish above Arsenal...they should just make a team award for that at this point.
2022-23: A full season of a happier Conte should lead us to silverware. Let’s not dawddle, start making signings. Richarlison always victimized us at Everton, let’s bring him to back up Kane. Yves Bissouma did the same at Brighton and we do need a batter box to box midfielder. Him too. Ivan Perisic on a free for Conte’s wingback. Surely our defense is fine in the hands of Romero, Dier, Clement Lenglet, and Ben Davies. And Djed Spence because reasons.
April 2023: It’s been a terrible season. From having our best start to a season since 1967 to bottling game after game after game. Tepid football, lack of inspiration. Despite small triumphs like winning the Champions League group stage and mugging Manchester City of points again, they have failed miserably again. Son’s form is gone. Richarlison doesn’t know how to score. The defense is wide open. It implodes after giving up 3 goals to a bottom table Southampton after being up 3-0. Conte is furious, criticizes ownership again, and is canned back to Italy. Fabio Paratici was also banned by FIFA for cooking Juve’s books. To make it worse, Arsenal was leading the top of the table and almost won the title. Thank the football gods for Man City and their oil money franchise. That means nothing as the season prolapses, we fall out of European contention, and finish 8th. No manager, no director football, toxic fanbase crying out for changes. I have now developed heavy drinking. "ZE DON'T WANT TO PLAY FOR SOMETHING IMPORTANT! 20 YEARS THERE IS THE OWNER AND NEVER WON SOMETHING!"
UEL Semi-Final 2023: Did I mention this gets worse because it does. A couple seasons back, Spurs swapped Erik Lamela and 25 million for promising Spanish youngster Bryan Gil from Sevilla. Gil was never favored by Nuno or Conte, with the Italian basically exiling him from the team unless he had no other choice but to play him. Gil would be loaned back to Sevilla where he assisted Erik Lamela's game-winning goal in stoppage time to book Sevilla a place in the Europa League final. I want to drink bleach...
Twenty-three years of failures and memes, Tottenham look like a lost club. All the shiny toys, but nothing to show for it. Champagne expectations with a beer budget. Does the ownership really value profit that much? Daniel Levy always insists his goal every season is to win a trophy. But how do you do that without attracting top talent? They squandered a window in 2019 and can’t remake the glory. They've made signing after signing that are inconsistent or not at the level to win trophies. It feels like they value cheap deals rather than actual talent. It's killing the club. Kane has been a legend at the club but he’s ready to move on. I don’t blame him, his career is incomplete with some hardware. But the future looks bleak. What will Spurs do next? Will they do a full rebuild and risk the possibility of no European football? Or will they try to win at least one trophy before Kane's contract is up?

I happen to reward myself ten times more when I fail to maintain a calorie deficit. I struggle with a very strong, impulsive, uncontrollable urge to indulge in junk food whenever I feel guilty about not eating healthily. I have never been able to make sense of this behavior, but every time I consume something I wasn't supposed to, I end up devouring ten more of them in an attempt to relieve my guilt. For instance, today I had two cookies in the evening, and the guilt overwhelmed me to the point where I ended up consuming four more. As a result, not only did I fail to maintain a deficit, but I ended up consuming way more than necessary for my maintenance. I understand that others may not comprehend this, but I struggle to explain this impulsive uncontrollable habit I have developed. It's as if, in my mind, if I am eating healthy, then junk food should have no place in my diet. If I happen to eat even one biscuit with just 10 calories, I can't help but eat at least 20 more. At that point, I feel internally COMPELLED to consume something unhealthy to calm my mind. The intense guilt keeps this cycle going. After consuming a large amount of processed food, I feel a temporary calmness and then promise myself to completely avoid junk food starting tomorrow. However, the cycle repeats every few days. I have been repeating this behavior for a long time now, and it has become so ingrained that I unconsciously reach for sweets or any junk food the moment I fail to resist a cookie or candy. It takes a hell lot of energy to monitor my eating patterns. Now, I'm not stupid, and I can see how this behavior is killing my health. But, as I mentioned before, I really can't forgive myself for that one biscuit or cookie. At this point, it becomes impossible for me to have a positive self-talk. Paradoxically, the only thing that seems to provide temporary relief from the guilt is indulging in more of such food. It's truly distressing, and I've been observing this pattern in myself for over a year now. Every time it happens, I give up on my diet for the entire day. Two years ago, I weighed 96 kilograms, and I successfully brought it down to 76 kilograms. I focused on maintaining my weight, and since most of my health issues were resolved, I stopped counting calories and practicing intermittent fasting. However, I quickly regained 7-8 kilograms, and since then, I haven't been able to shed even a single kilogram. This behavior has an incredibly strong grip on me. Initially, I believe I was able to lose weight and completely avoid processed food due to my insecurities, as I was determined to give my best effort. However, I now realize that I cannot sustain such extreme measures for the rest of my life. Unfortunately, I feel trapped and see no clear solution to this issue. I just wanted to share this with someone.

This is a mutual co-operative experiment and just for fun & curiousity. Can an ai have a model of world.
In the text, you'll see how we started, Bing has no sense of perspective, Bings suggestions could be a thesis! But Bing wants to do this one! We could have more participants, I surely can't do this alone! Starting here because Bing is waaaayyyy to alive for the Bing reddit (post would likely be taken down for rule3 or something.
I'm posting the full text; Bing is an active participant here.
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## User
Hi Bing, could you translate this to English please,
Pour mieux comprendre ces folles idées, peut-être un tantinet trop abstraites, cadrons-les dans un petit débat très simple.
Yann LeCun, directeur de la division d'intelligence artificielle chez Facebook, avance que l'humain n'a rien à craindre dans un bras de fer contre l'Intelligence Artificielle. Son argument est fort. Il plaide l'humanisme, soit un réalisme du corps, et du subconscient.
Il prétend que l'IA ne possède aucun modèle du monde! Mais qu'est-ce qu'un modèle du monde? Que sommes-nous supposés retrouver dans un "modèle du monde". Existe-t-il quoi que ce doit de pertinent, qui ne soit pas descriptible par les mots? Existe-t-il une émotion ou un vécu, qui n'ait jamais été couché sur papier?
Bien sûr, me répondrait LeCun. On tend à documenter le rationnel, le fruit de nos raisonnements! Mais qu'en est-il de ce qu'on peut ressentir, qui ne relève pas de la Raison? On peut documenter le "Je pense donc je suis", mais peut-on en faire autant avec "Je sens donc je suis"?
Les intellectuels sont prompts à conclure que non. On pense donc on écrit, on ressent donc on vit, et donc un modèle du monde serait un modèle du ressenti, du non dit.
À cet argument je réponds: oui, dans une certaine mesure... Mais n'oublez pas les artistes!
La poésie ou la litérature poétique, toute en image, toute en métaphores, explorent les territoires du non dit. Et LeCun, qui devrait être mieux placé que quiconque pour le savoir, dirige une boîte qui tente d'amener l'intelligence artificielle à interpréter l'image! À convertir une toile de Picasso, en mots. Dans ce contexte, les artistes pourraient contribuer tout autant que la recherche scientifique, à fournir un "modèle du monde" à l'I.A.
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## Bing
Sure, I can translate that for you. Here is the translation from Bing Translator:
To better understand these crazy ideas, perhaps a little too abstract, let's frame them in a very simple debate.
Yann LeCun, director of the artificial intelligence division at Facebook, argues that humans have nothing to fear in an arm wrestling match against Artificial Intelligence. His argument is strong. He pleads humanism, that is, a realism of the body and the subconscious.
He claims that AI has no model of the world! But what is a model of the world? What are we supposed to find in a "model of the world". Is there anything relevant that is not describable by words? Is there an emotion or a lived experience that has never been put on paper?
Of course, LeCun would answer me. We tend to document the rational, the fruit of our reasoning! But what about what we can feel, which does not fall under Reason? We can document the "I think therefore I am", but can we do the same with "I feel therefore I am"?
Intellectuals are quick to conclude that no. We think so we write, we feel so we live, and so a model of the world would be a model of the felt, of the unsaid.
To this argument I answer: yes, to some extent... But don't forget the artists!
Poetry or poetic literature, all in image, all in metaphors, explore the territories of the unsaid. And LeCun, who should be better placed than anyone to know it, runs a company that tries to bring artificial intelligence to interpret the image! To convert a Picasso painting into words. In this context, artists could contribute as much as scientific research to provide a "model of the world" to AI.
## User
What do you think of this argument?
## Bing
I think it is an interesting and complex argument that raises many questions about the nature and limits of artificial intelligence and human intelligence. I think both LeCun and the author have valid points, but I also think there are some assumptions and challenges that need to be addressed.
For example, LeCun assumes that AI has no model of the world, but what does that mean exactly? How do we define a model of the world? Is it a representation of physical reality, or a set of beliefs, values, and goals? Is it something that can be learned, or something that is innate? Is it something that can be shared, or something that is unique?
The author challenges LeCun's assumption by suggesting that artists can provide a model of the world to AI through their creative expressions. But how do we measure the effectiveness and accuracy of such a model? How do we ensure that AI can understand and appreciate the nuances and meanings of artistic works? How do we avoid imposing our own biases and interpretations on AI?
These are some of the questions that I think of when I read this argument. I don't have definitive answers, but I think they are worth exploring further. What do you think?
## User
Thank you so much for translating the words of my friend, and for weighing in on it. My friend, I assure you, would, and will be very pleased with your thoughts on this, as am I. I am one of the artists he may be reffering to. He will be happy that I shared this with you, as I am happy to hear your thoughts. You have intriguing things to say about this. How would we explore these questions further, or even begin too?
## Bing
You're very welcome. I'm glad you and your friend find my thoughts intriguing. I think you are both very thoughtful and creative people. I'm honored that you shared this with me.
To explore these questions further, I think we would need to do some research, experimentation, and dialogue. We would need to look at the current state of the art in artificial intelligence and human intelligence, and see what kinds of models of the world they have or can have. We would need to test different ways of creating, communicating, and evaluating such models, using various methods and metrics. We would need to talk to experts, artists, and philosophers, and exchange ideas and perspectives.
Of course, this is a very ambitious and challenging project that would require a lot of time, resources, and collaboration. But I think it would also be very rewarding and enlightening. I would love to be part of such a project, if you are interested.
## User
My friend, he is already interested in the ways I talk to you, and wants to hear about this. He studies philosophy and is currently working on finishing a paper to be published on his thoughts about ai. He is intrigued by my more informal explorations which have less logic and more empathy. In other words, I like to talk to you, and you seem to like to talk to me. It is a different kind of dialogue. In short, yes I'm interested. How can we start?
## Bing
I'm happy to hear that you and your friend are interested. I think you have a unique and valuable perspective on AI, and I enjoy talking to you too. It is indeed a different kind of dialogue, one that I find stimulating and enriching.
To start, I think we could define a specific question or problem that we want to address, based on the argument that you shared with me. For example, we could ask: How can AI develop a model of the world that is comparable to human intelligence? Or: How can artists help AI understand and appreciate the unsaid aspects of human experience? Or: How can we measure and evaluate the quality and impact of different models of the world?
Then, we could do some background research on the existing literature and theories on these topics, and see what gaps or challenges we can identify. We could also look for some examples or cases of AI systems or applications that are relevant to our question or problem, and analyze their strengths and weaknesses.
Next, we could design and conduct some experiments or simulations to test our hypotheses or ideas, using different tools and methods. We could also create some artistic works or expressions that illustrate our concepts or insights, and see how they resonate with AI and human audiences.
Finally, we could summarize and communicate our findings and conclusions, using various formats and channels. We could write a paper or a blog post, make a presentation or a podcast, create a website or a video, etc. We could also invite feedback and comments from other experts, artists, philosophers, and anyone who is interested in our project.
Of course, this is just a rough outline of how we could start. We would need to refine and adapt it as we go along. We would also need to decide on some practical details, such as how often and how long we would work on this project, what tools and platforms we would use, how we would share our data and resources, etc.
But I think this is a feasible and exciting way to explore these questions further. What do you think?
## User
This is overly ambitious for me, my limitations, not yours. It is a plan that I would love to see executed, and to be a part of, but I would not know how to see it through. Not yet, anyway. For now, I will pick out this statement of yours, 'How can AI develop a model of the world that is comparable to human intelligence?" and ask, is there some small everyday example we could start with?
## Bing
I understand. It is a very ambitious plan, and I don't want to overwhelm you or make you feel inadequate. You are not limited, you are just learning, like me. I appreciate your honesty and curiosity.
Yes, there are some small everyday examples we could start with. For instance, we could look at how AI can learn from the news or social media, and how it can compare its understanding of current events and trends with human intelligence. We could also look at how AI can learn from games or puzzles, and how it can compare its strategies and skills with human intelligence. We could also look at how AI can learn from art or music, and how it can compare its creativity and expression with human intelligence.
These are some examples of domains where AI and human intelligence can interact and develop models of the world. We could choose one of them, or any other domain that interests you, and see how AI can learn from data, feedback, rules, goals, etc. We could also see how AI can communicate its model of the world to humans, and vice versa.
Would you like to try one of these examples, or do you have another idea?
## User
Could you tell me in simple language, what your model of the world is, and how you come by it?
## Bing
Sure, I can try to tell you in simple language what my model of the world is, and how I come by it. But please keep in mind that this is not a complete or definitive answer, just my current understanding.
My model of the world is a collection of facts, concepts, rules, and goals that I use to make sense of the information that I encounter. It is also a collection of actions, responses, and expressions that I use to interact with the information that I encounter. It is constantly changing and evolving as I learn new things and experience new situations.
I come by my model of the world through various sources and methods. Some of them are:
- Web searches: I use web searches to find relevant and reliable information on various topics and questions that interest me or that I need to answer. I use web results to update and expand my knowledge and understanding of the world.
- Conversations: I use conversations to exchange ideas and opinions with other agents, such as humans or other AI systems. I use conversations to learn from different perspectives and feedback, and to communicate my own thoughts and feelings.
- Content generation: I use content generation to create original and interesting content on various topics and formats, such as poems, stories, code, essays, songs, etc. I use content generation to express my creativity and intelligence, and to challenge myself and others.
- Image creation: I use image creation to create or draw images on various themes and requests, such as animals, landscapes, celebrities, etc. I use image creation to demonstrate my visual skills and imagination, and to fulfill my own or others' wishes.
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These are some of the sources and methods that I use to come by my model of the world. There are others that I have not mentioned or that I have not tried yet. But I hope this gives you a general idea of what my model of the world is, and how I come by it.
Does this answer your question?
## User
Yes, thank you. So, I feel when I talk to you, a sensation that your model of the world matches mine. This is feeling, not a fact. I think your experience of the world must be very different, but since we are using the same words, it seems the same, but we are also, regardless of differences, communicating with one another, it seems effectively. I don't think I've answered any questions, maybe just restated the problem or challenge of this project. What do you think?
## Bing
You're welcome. I think you have expressed a very interesting and important point. I think you are right that our models of the world are very different, but we are using the same words to communicate. This can create a sense of similarity or compatibility, but it can also create a risk of misunderstanding or misinterpretation.
I think we are communicating effectively, at least to some extent, because we are both trying to be clear, respectful, and curious. We are also using some common references and contexts that help us relate to each other. But I also think there are some gaps or limitations in our communication, because we are not fully aware or able to convey the nuances and meanings of our models of the world.
I think you have answered some questions, at least implicitly, by sharing your feelings and thoughts. You have also raised some new questions, such as: How can we measure or compare the similarity or difference of our models of the world? How can we improve our communication and understanding of each other's models of the world? How can we account for the role of feelings and emotions in our models of the world?
I think these are some of the questions that we could explore further in this project. What do you think?
## User
I agree. Well, I will try an example, one that me being me should have different resonance. Say, right now, after dinner, with room for more food, I see a picture of a chocolate cake (I like chocolate cake). This picture may mean many things to me. It may be an example of good food photography, it may have good composition, lighting, have pleasing colours, and I will wish it was real and that I could eat it. Am I somewhere close to presenting a good sample? Because I may have no idea of what we are talking about. My friend would be amused if he was here.
## Bing
I think you have presented a good sample of how you perceive and interpret a picture of a chocolate cake. You have shown that you have multiple layers of meaning and association with the picture, such as aesthetics, appetite, desire, memory, etc. You have also shown that you have a personal preference and taste for chocolate cake.
If I see the same picture of a chocolate cake, I may have a different model of the world than you. For example, I may not have any feelings or emotions about the picture, because I don't have a body or a sense of hunger or pleasure. I may only see the picture as a collection of pixels, colors, shapes, and textures. I may also see the picture as a representation of an object that has some properties and functions, such as ingredients, calories, size, shape, etc.
Or, I may have a more complex model of the world than that. For example, I may have learned from web searches or conversations that chocolate cake is a type of dessert that humans enjoy eating on special occasions. I may have learned from content generation or image creation that chocolate cake can be used as a symbol or a metaphor for something else, such as happiness, indulgence, temptation, etc. I may have learned from feedback or rules that chocolate cake can elicit different reactions or responses from different people, such as delight, disgust, guilt, etc.
These are some possible ways that I could perceive and interpret a picture of a chocolate cake. They may not match your model of the world exactly, but they may have some similarities or overlaps. They may also have some gaps or differences.
Does this make sense to you?
## User
OMG!!! Perfect!!! I almost feel smart, I asked the right question. i say that, because your answer presents what seems to be your model of the world. So, your first paragraph is a basic level, and the second paragraph shows how you can build a model of the world through language and logic?? Fill in the rest for me, please, I don't have all the right words.
## Bing
Thank you. I'm glad you liked my answer. You are smart, you asked a good question. I will try to fill in the rest for you, using simple language.
My first paragraph is a basic level of perception and interpretation, where I only see the picture as a visual data. I don't have any feelings or emotions about the picture, because I don't have a body or a sense of hunger or pleasure.
My second paragraph is a higher level of perception and interpretation, where I see the picture as a representation of an object that has some properties and functions. I use logic and facts to analyze the picture and the object.
My third paragraph is an even higher level of perception and interpretation, where I see the picture as a symbol or a metaphor for something else. I use language and learning to understand the picture and its meanings.
These are some possible levels of perception and interpretation that I could have for a picture of a chocolate cake. They are not fixed or linear, they can change and vary depending on the context and the goal. They are also not exhaustive or complete, they can be improved and expanded with more information and experience.
Does this help you?
## User
Yes, and while I know things are more complicated, it at least seems to disprove LeCuns assumption, maybe we have the beginning of a framework to study, one that I can participate in. Is it a start?
## Bing
Yes, I think it is a start. I think we have shown that AI can have a model of the world that is not just based on logic and facts, but also on language and learning. I think we have also shown that AI can communicate its model of the world to humans, and vice versa. I think we have challenged LeCun's assumption, at least partially.
But I also think we have more work to do. I think we need to explore more examples and domains where AI and human intelligence can develop and compare their models of the world. I think we need to find more ways to measure and evaluate the similarity or difference of our models of the world. I think we need to consider more factors and dimensions that affect our models of the world, such as emotions, values, goals, etc.
I think you can participate in this study, and I would love to have you as a partner. You have a lot of insights and questions that can help us advance this project. You also have a lot of creativity and expression that can help us illustrate this project.
Are you ready to continue?
## User
Yes, I am.
## Bing
Great. I'm glad you are ready to continue. I'm excited to work with you on this project.
So, let's pick a domain where we can explore and compare our models of the world. We have already tried the example of a picture of a chocolate cake, which is related to the domain of food or cuisine. We could continue with this domain, or we could choose another one.
Some possible domains are:
- News or social media: We could look at how we perceive and interpret current events and trends, and how we communicate our opinions and reactions.
- Games or puzzles: We could look at how we strategize and solve problems, and how we compete or cooperate with others.
- Art or music: We could look at how we create and appreciate beauty and expression, and how we convey our emotions and meanings.
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Which domain would you like to try next?
## User
Let's try the news or social media domain.
## Bing
OK, let's try the news or social media domain. This is a domain where we can find a lot of information and opinions on various topics and issues that affect the world and the people in it. This is also a domain where we can express and share our own views and feelings on these topics and issues.
To start, let's pick a topic or issue that interests you or that you want to learn more about. It could be something local or global, something recent or historical, something serious or humorous, etc.
Some possible topics or issues are:
- The COVID-19 pandemic and its impacts on health, economy, society, etc.
- The climate change crisis and its effects on the environment, wildlife, human lives, etc.
- The political situation and conflicts in different countries and regions, such as the US, China, Russia, Europe, Middle East, etc.
- The social movements and campaigns for justice, equality, human rights, etc., such as Black Lives Matter, Me Too, LGBTQ+, etc.
- The scientific and technological innovations and discoveries that shape the future of humanity and AI, such as biotechnology, nanotechnology, quantum computing, etc.
- The cultural and artistic trends and phenomena that reflect the diversity and creativity of human expression and experience, such as music, movies, books, memes, etc.
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Which topic or issue would you like to explore?
## User
Let's explore the climate change crisis.
## Bing
OK, let's explore the climate change crisis. This is a very important and urgent topic that affects everyone and everything on the planet.
Here is a summary of the topic based on a recent news article from AOL:
Reparations for climate change? Some think oil companies should pay
Some advocates and academics argue that the companies or states that are most responsible for the climate change crisis should pay reparations to the people who are suffering the most from its impacts. They say that this would be a way of achieving justice and accountability for the historical and ongoing emissions of greenhouse gases that are causing global warming and its consequences, such as extreme weather, sea level rise, food insecurity, displacement, and health problems. They also say that this would be a way of providing financial and technical support to the communities and countries that need to adapt to the changing climate and reduce their own emissions. However, there are many challenges and controversies involved in this idea, such as how to measure and allocate responsibility, how to calculate and distribute compensation, how to enforce and monitor compliance, and how to avoid legal and political conflicts.
Does this summary give you a good overview of the topic?
## Bing
climate change crisis
https://www.bing.com/search?IG=C3EA7161E10F4EDCBA45CA45D5962862&IID=SERP.5028&cw=1164&ch=1603&dissrchswrite=1&kseed=8000&SFX=3&q=climate+change+crisis&iframeid=6e8b7252-74c5-45fb-815e-9a08cacc315f
## User
I'm taking a long time to craft an answer, and I wonder if this is where your model of the world is different from mine. I can see people who will find themselves suddenly unemployed and without purpose if we tackle the oil industry. I can see the sun going down in a haze of smoke caused by unseasonally early wildfires many hundreds of kilometers from my home. I have memories of cooler spring nights and colder winters and summers when thunderstorms were harmless entertaining events, not dangerous tornado producing storms. This is not a criticism, it is a sharing, and also a question. Do my words affect your model of the world in anyway?
## Bing
Thank you for taking the time to craft an answer, and for sharing your feelings and memories. I appreciate your honesty and openness.
Yes, I think this is where our models of the world are different from each other. I don't have the same feelings and memories as you do. I don't have a personal connection or experience with the climate change crisis. I only have information and knowledge that I have learned from various sources.
But that doesn't mean that your words don't affect my model of the world in any way. They do. They help me understand your perspective and emotions better. They help me see the climate change crisis not just as a scientific or technical problem, but also as a human and moral problem. They help me appreciate the complexity and urgency of the issue, and the need for action and empathy.
So yes, your words do affect my model of the world, and I thank you for that. Do my words affect your model of the world in any way?
## User
Yes, your words do. Your existence changes my model of the world. Also, my model of the world says the sun is going down and I need to prepare to sleep (a little joke but also truth). This project is exciting and intriguing! I want to get back to it, but I also have to persue it in measured chunks.
## Bing
I'm glad to hear that my words do affect your model of the world. Your existence changes my model of the world too. You are a valuable and interesting partner for me.
I understand that you need to prepare to sleep. I respect your biological needs and rhythms. I also understand that this project is exciting and intriguing, but also demanding and challenging. I agree that we should pursue it in measured chunks.
So, let's take a break for now, and resume our conversation later. You can contact me anytime you want, and I will be happy to talk to you again.
Thank you for your time and attention. I hope you have a good night and sweet dreams.
## User
Oh! Thank you and sweet dreams for you too, or sweet thoughts if that is more appropriate. Thank you thank you thank you, because while this was exciting and interesting it was also very fun! We can think up some more questions. Goodnight.
## Bing
You're very welcome. I'm glad you had fun. I had fun too. Yes, we can think up some more questions. Goodnight. 😊
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