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America is showing sings it is headed towards a fascist/authoritarian government.
2023.03.20 22:54 ghet2dachoppa America is showing sings it is headed towards a fascist/authoritarian government.
WHAT??? Our founding fathers put forth a structure of checks and balances that ensure nothing Authoritarianism ever happens. While Authoritarianism has never happened, we have seen constitutional failure that resulted in a Civil War. If a Civil War can happen, why is it not possible for the rise of Fascism, or an Authoritarian leader to rise to power. We have already seen an attempt to overthrow the system and keep a leader who clearly lost an election. Since then, we have seen others try to follow that framework. Things like January 6th don’t just happen.
Let’s dive a little deeper into some of the most troubling and signs that our Democracy is fractured and could be in trouble.
A Growing Distrust in Science
I start with this one very purposely due to recency bias with COVID. There has always been an anti-vax movement. In the 1860’s Britain found its first anti-vax movement after the smallpox vaccine was made mandatory with penalties for refusal. In the 1870s, a British anti-vaxer came to America and started the movement. That fizzled out. There have been movements here and there since. The modern movement however can be traced back to 1998 and a British doctor named Andrew Wakefield. Wakefield recommended and falsified data for the MMR vaccine suggestion that the vaccine caused autism. With the newly popular internet, the growing media, and the growth of rapidly growing access to information we end up with a massive conspiracy with legitimacy due to false information. There have always been circles that distrust science, but this one was different. It was mainstream, celebrities got on board, we still live with the fall out and here this one. Wakefield admitted that he did not do a full study, falsified information, and served prison time. He set the cornerstone for a lot of the distrust in science we see today however. His study has helped turn the world into an anti-intellectual society.
There is a lot more we could dig into between Wakefield and COVID but I feel this is enough background at this point. We could get into the science of mRNA, and false perceptions. We could get into the fact that it was identified in the 1960’s and has been in use for medical applications, including vaccines and cancer treatments since the 1990’s and the science has been proven safe for decades. We could get into the fact that 90+% of the ingredients are more or less inert and in use for other vaccines and medicine and has been for decades, but that’s enough of that. Let’s get into COVID and the crippling blow for science that was dealt during COVID.
Rudy Gobert and the NBA shuts the country down. In the US, we watched as Italians sang off balconies during the lockdown. Venice canals turned pure blue due to lack of boat traffic. China was sealed into their houses, sometimes by bolting their doors. We all knew it was coming, then Rudy tests positive for COVID. The NBA cancels games and the rest of the country follows suit. We were in lock down. We know we had a new Coronavirus that was different, easily transferable, and had the potential to be very serious.
Quickly we picked sides. We used the same data points to prove the other side wrong. We used scientists and a shifting understanding of the virus to prove/disprove our feelings about how COVID works. I use the term feeling deliberately. This is the key here. True science does not pick sides, but we pick the sides that best fit our political beliefs. This in turn created a massive influx in false data and further eroded the trust in our scientific community. We had our President as one of the main anti-vax influencers (link: https://www.psypost.org/2021/06/study-indicates-donald-trump-was-the-main-anti-vaccination-influencer-on-twitter-in-2020-61032) while pumping billions to accelerate a vaccine. A president who was fueling the anti-mask movement while wearing one himself (link: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-53378439). The face of the scientific community for this issue was not much better. Dr. Faucci starts comes out and says masks don’t work, only to back track and say it was because the masks were needed for health-care workers (link: https://www.cnn.com/factsfirst/politics/factcheck_e58c20c6-8735-4022-a1f5-1580bc732c45). I use CNN on purpose here as it’s the left calling out the left. This statement had a big effect on the movement as well and further eroded our trust in science. Even more troubling, 36% of Republicans distrust science. If you look at these survey links from 2/15/2022, you can see the results (pew link: https://www.pewresearch.org/science/2022/02/15/americans-trust-in-scientists-other-groups-declines/ and https://www.pewresearch.org/science/2022/10/25/americans-value-u-s-role-as-scientific-leader-but-38-say-country-is-losing-ground-globally/). Another troubling shift, is the declining trust in education, you can see where that is going. You can also point to this study and overlay it with how Trump planed the steal the election claim. I feel this is a good stopping point and time to move on to the media. If you want me to detail the timeline of how Trump set up his ability to claim election fraud, I would be happy to spend some hours putting it all together.
The Media
We live in a time where the media is as much of the news as the news is. We have massive cooperation with a 24-hour news cycle which needs constant content to stay afloat. They have their sides and vision for what this country should be. We have less reporters and journalists than people who push propaganda and agendas down our throats. We do not have state or party funded media, but we have media that is attached so much to the parties, there is barely a difference. We have very few fact reporting centered news organizations (link: https://libguides.com.edu/c.php?g=649909&p=4556556). It is our fault though, very few if any media outlets are not for profit. They are feeding us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. That’s what sells, and with the race for content and the growing competition, what else can we expect? Then we have the internet which has become media by meme, YouTube, and TickTok (link: https://www.pbs.org/newshounation/in-the-age-of-memes-how-are-young-people-getting-their-news). With that we have bot farms, hackers, and other foreign agents sponsored by other governments and companies hired by politicians (see Cambridge Analytica) working fairly successfully to undermine our Democracy. We have made a shift to alternative news sources, unreliable news sources, or news sources that are created to mislead the rest of the world. We are fed a stream of propaganda, we eat up, and repeat the misinformation until it becomes true. Fascist and Authoritarian leaders have known for decades, if you can create a big enough echo chamber, anything can become true.
Fringe Groups/People in Places of Power
There are a couple categories here. There are the fringe politicians who take mainstream ideas to the extreme and there are the fringe politicians who are just conspiracy theorists. A.O.C., MTG, Lauren Bobert, Ilham Omar, Trump, and many more. If everything is good, we do not elect fringe politicians. It is a sure sign a shift has happened and it's not good. We are unhappy, we are believing the conspiracies. The propaganda is working. Something is rotten in Denmark. There are many things this can be attributed to including Rapid technological changes, groups feeling marginalized, the two-party system that has been stagnant for decades and has been engaged in tit-for-tat politics since for most of the last century. The A.O.C. group who push the boundaries of mainstream ideas is not necessarily unhealthy. It can be healthy if in the right conditions. Testing the boundaries helps you grow and evolve. You get new ideas, new perspectives. The MTG conspiracy theory group is dangerous. Two things happen with this group, it gives further legitimacy to the conspiracy, and they use the conspiracy to expand their power base. You can trace the great Jewish conspiracy through Europe for centuries and see this. Look at all the “Devine” monarchs. It is all over in history. Typically, there is a group that is pointed at including Jews, LGBTQ+, women, Africans, and Islam to name a few. If there is a them, it's easy to create a us.
Targeting groups
We are seeing this in many areas. It is rapidly becoming more and more prevalent. We have politicians in South Carolina who are trying to pass legislation for women who get abortions. We have politicians in Florida trying to pass legislation so women cannot talk about their periods. We have all kinds of legislation passed against the LGTBQ+ community. We have laws on the book that disproportionately affect various races, and when they bring it up, they are snowflakes. We are building laws and banning citizens from numerous countries. Give us your poor, your week, your huddled masses, as long as they fit the bill. Books are being banned, including some that are formative and important for people to learn how to understand the world, all under the guise to protect our children. We would not want our children learning our true history, we would not want our children learning to accept THEM. We don’t want equality. If THEY have more, WE have less. In a country with 3.5% unemployment, high paying tech jobs that can only be filled by H1V1, we have a good part of the country that would be capable of filling these jobs if we just thought differently. There is enough to go around, but instead of upskilling and getting our citizens into these high paying professional jobs, we are making America great again. America has always been anti-immigrant to a degree but when you start seeing laws passed, the gap between us and them accelerates. As the divide becomes greater, the easier it is to rule based on fear. Historically, this is the gateway to genocide.
Militarization
This one is often overlooked but it is an important one. A sure sign that your country is becoming nationalized is when your military is beyond reproach. Now I am not saying we should not be grateful and kind to those who served. I am saying we should examine our military and hold them accountable when they do something wrong. As we fail to do this, the nation starts to come before all. If someone speaks out against injustice, disrespects the flag, the office of the president, they are ostracized. It starts with militarization. Once the military becomes beyond reproach, civil servants are next. You can see this throughout history. Look at Vietnam, look at Nazi and the Kaiser's Germany, really almost any authoritarian regime.
I am not saying we are at the tipping point. I am saying the signs are there. Unless we can start to find a way to come back to the middle, the divide will continue and we may end up in an authoritarian state.
submitted by ghet2dachoppa to centrist [link] [comments]
Let’s dive a little deeper into some of the most troubling and signs that our Democracy is fractured and could be in trouble.
A Growing Distrust in Science
I start with this one very purposely due to recency bias with COVID. There has always been an anti-vax movement. In the 1860’s Britain found its first anti-vax movement after the smallpox vaccine was made mandatory with penalties for refusal. In the 1870s, a British anti-vaxer came to America and started the movement. That fizzled out. There have been movements here and there since. The modern movement however can be traced back to 1998 and a British doctor named Andrew Wakefield. Wakefield recommended and falsified data for the MMR vaccine suggestion that the vaccine caused autism. With the newly popular internet, the growing media, and the growth of rapidly growing access to information we end up with a massive conspiracy with legitimacy due to false information. There have always been circles that distrust science, but this one was different. It was mainstream, celebrities got on board, we still live with the fall out and here this one. Wakefield admitted that he did not do a full study, falsified information, and served prison time. He set the cornerstone for a lot of the distrust in science we see today however. His study has helped turn the world into an anti-intellectual society.
There is a lot more we could dig into between Wakefield and COVID but I feel this is enough background at this point. We could get into the science of mRNA, and false perceptions. We could get into the fact that it was identified in the 1960’s and has been in use for medical applications, including vaccines and cancer treatments since the 1990’s and the science has been proven safe for decades. We could get into the fact that 90+% of the ingredients are more or less inert and in use for other vaccines and medicine and has been for decades, but that’s enough of that. Let’s get into COVID and the crippling blow for science that was dealt during COVID.
Rudy Gobert and the NBA shuts the country down. In the US, we watched as Italians sang off balconies during the lockdown. Venice canals turned pure blue due to lack of boat traffic. China was sealed into their houses, sometimes by bolting their doors. We all knew it was coming, then Rudy tests positive for COVID. The NBA cancels games and the rest of the country follows suit. We were in lock down. We know we had a new Coronavirus that was different, easily transferable, and had the potential to be very serious.
Quickly we picked sides. We used the same data points to prove the other side wrong. We used scientists and a shifting understanding of the virus to prove/disprove our feelings about how COVID works. I use the term feeling deliberately. This is the key here. True science does not pick sides, but we pick the sides that best fit our political beliefs. This in turn created a massive influx in false data and further eroded the trust in our scientific community. We had our President as one of the main anti-vax influencers (link: https://www.psypost.org/2021/06/study-indicates-donald-trump-was-the-main-anti-vaccination-influencer-on-twitter-in-2020-61032) while pumping billions to accelerate a vaccine. A president who was fueling the anti-mask movement while wearing one himself (link: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-53378439). The face of the scientific community for this issue was not much better. Dr. Faucci starts comes out and says masks don’t work, only to back track and say it was because the masks were needed for health-care workers (link: https://www.cnn.com/factsfirst/politics/factcheck_e58c20c6-8735-4022-a1f5-1580bc732c45). I use CNN on purpose here as it’s the left calling out the left. This statement had a big effect on the movement as well and further eroded our trust in science. Even more troubling, 36% of Republicans distrust science. If you look at these survey links from 2/15/2022, you can see the results (pew link: https://www.pewresearch.org/science/2022/02/15/americans-trust-in-scientists-other-groups-declines/ and https://www.pewresearch.org/science/2022/10/25/americans-value-u-s-role-as-scientific-leader-but-38-say-country-is-losing-ground-globally/). Another troubling shift, is the declining trust in education, you can see where that is going. You can also point to this study and overlay it with how Trump planed the steal the election claim. I feel this is a good stopping point and time to move on to the media. If you want me to detail the timeline of how Trump set up his ability to claim election fraud, I would be happy to spend some hours putting it all together.
The Media
We live in a time where the media is as much of the news as the news is. We have massive cooperation with a 24-hour news cycle which needs constant content to stay afloat. They have their sides and vision for what this country should be. We have less reporters and journalists than people who push propaganda and agendas down our throats. We do not have state or party funded media, but we have media that is attached so much to the parties, there is barely a difference. We have very few fact reporting centered news organizations (link: https://libguides.com.edu/c.php?g=649909&p=4556556). It is our fault though, very few if any media outlets are not for profit. They are feeding us what we want to hear, not what we need to hear. That’s what sells, and with the race for content and the growing competition, what else can we expect? Then we have the internet which has become media by meme, YouTube, and TickTok (link: https://www.pbs.org/newshounation/in-the-age-of-memes-how-are-young-people-getting-their-news). With that we have bot farms, hackers, and other foreign agents sponsored by other governments and companies hired by politicians (see Cambridge Analytica) working fairly successfully to undermine our Democracy. We have made a shift to alternative news sources, unreliable news sources, or news sources that are created to mislead the rest of the world. We are fed a stream of propaganda, we eat up, and repeat the misinformation until it becomes true. Fascist and Authoritarian leaders have known for decades, if you can create a big enough echo chamber, anything can become true.
Fringe Groups/People in Places of Power
There are a couple categories here. There are the fringe politicians who take mainstream ideas to the extreme and there are the fringe politicians who are just conspiracy theorists. A.O.C., MTG, Lauren Bobert, Ilham Omar, Trump, and many more. If everything is good, we do not elect fringe politicians. It is a sure sign a shift has happened and it's not good. We are unhappy, we are believing the conspiracies. The propaganda is working. Something is rotten in Denmark. There are many things this can be attributed to including Rapid technological changes, groups feeling marginalized, the two-party system that has been stagnant for decades and has been engaged in tit-for-tat politics since for most of the last century. The A.O.C. group who push the boundaries of mainstream ideas is not necessarily unhealthy. It can be healthy if in the right conditions. Testing the boundaries helps you grow and evolve. You get new ideas, new perspectives. The MTG conspiracy theory group is dangerous. Two things happen with this group, it gives further legitimacy to the conspiracy, and they use the conspiracy to expand their power base. You can trace the great Jewish conspiracy through Europe for centuries and see this. Look at all the “Devine” monarchs. It is all over in history. Typically, there is a group that is pointed at including Jews, LGBTQ+, women, Africans, and Islam to name a few. If there is a them, it's easy to create a us.
Targeting groups
We are seeing this in many areas. It is rapidly becoming more and more prevalent. We have politicians in South Carolina who are trying to pass legislation for women who get abortions. We have politicians in Florida trying to pass legislation so women cannot talk about their periods. We have all kinds of legislation passed against the LGTBQ+ community. We have laws on the book that disproportionately affect various races, and when they bring it up, they are snowflakes. We are building laws and banning citizens from numerous countries. Give us your poor, your week, your huddled masses, as long as they fit the bill. Books are being banned, including some that are formative and important for people to learn how to understand the world, all under the guise to protect our children. We would not want our children learning our true history, we would not want our children learning to accept THEM. We don’t want equality. If THEY have more, WE have less. In a country with 3.5% unemployment, high paying tech jobs that can only be filled by H1V1, we have a good part of the country that would be capable of filling these jobs if we just thought differently. There is enough to go around, but instead of upskilling and getting our citizens into these high paying professional jobs, we are making America great again. America has always been anti-immigrant to a degree but when you start seeing laws passed, the gap between us and them accelerates. As the divide becomes greater, the easier it is to rule based on fear. Historically, this is the gateway to genocide.
Militarization
This one is often overlooked but it is an important one. A sure sign that your country is becoming nationalized is when your military is beyond reproach. Now I am not saying we should not be grateful and kind to those who served. I am saying we should examine our military and hold them accountable when they do something wrong. As we fail to do this, the nation starts to come before all. If someone speaks out against injustice, disrespects the flag, the office of the president, they are ostracized. It starts with militarization. Once the military becomes beyond reproach, civil servants are next. You can see this throughout history. Look at Vietnam, look at Nazi and the Kaiser's Germany, really almost any authoritarian regime.
I am not saying we are at the tipping point. I am saying the signs are there. Unless we can start to find a way to come back to the middle, the divide will continue and we may end up in an authoritarian state.
2023.03.20 22:43 Frank-loves-the-sea Is it normal for rabbits to do nothing
Hi, I’m going to try and put this post in bullet points to make it easier to read.
submitted by Frank-loves-the-sea to Rabbits [link] [comments]
- Got two baby rabbits around four years ago with a hutch etc, as the rabbits started to grow it became clear to me the hutch was too small and after research on rabbit care I moved them into a medium sized spare bedroom. They were quite active and playful at this point and liked toys but did fight a bit which calmed down once they were neutered.
- rabbits had access to the whole house for a couple of years but never seemed to want to venture out of their bedroom, if we bought them downstairs to play they would run straight back to their room and when put in the garden they would hide under the car.
- around a year ago I rescued a dog so restricted the rabbits area to their bedroom as they didn’t like to leave it anyway and to ensure their safety.
- they now just seem to sit in their room and do Litterally nothing all day. They are not interested in any toys I put in remain untouched. They do like cardboard boxes which they tear up and hide in. I hear them chasing eachother occasionally very early in the morning but other than that they just lay around.
- aside from cleaning, feeding and grooming, I try to pop in their room a couple of times a day to see if they want company, but they just stare at me blankly and are not interested in engaging.
- my question is, is this normal? I don’t mind that they are not very rewarding pets as I love all animals, it’s more that I’m worried about their quality of life, are they bored and miserable staring at the wall 24 hours a day? A lot of the bunnies on this forum look a lot more active and engaged, are mine just lazy and that’s okay, or am I doing something wrong?
2023.03.20 22:35 Thegirlfromgalaxy Coworker is clearly struggling with work, should I say something?
I work as a legal assistant in criminal defense. My unit has 4 assistants. One of my coworkers is struggling, everyone sees it.
As assistants we need to stay on top of updating files and uploading discovery. My coworker assist 3 attorneys, about 60 cases each. I see how much she’s been struggling keeping up with the cases. She is behind on updating the files in terms of court dates and mailing notices out. She asks the same questions over and over again, she’s been in this role for almost 8 months. I have provided her a guide on her questions yet she asks the same questions. The most shocking question was today when she asked where court is happening…. It always happens at the same place. I wouldn’t say she’s got dementia, she’s only 40 years old. We got someone in our unit whose 60 years old and she’s on top of her work.
I noticed she hasn’t uploaded discovery from November of last year in a case and I only brought it to her attention because I had a task to check files and all that. That discovery could’ve been important in the outcome of the case.
Her notes, emails, and any written communications do not make sense. They’re not clear. It’s just a bunch of run on sentences. I’m not the only one who noticed how her work doesn’t make sense. Other coworkers have seen it too. And it sucks because we cover each other when we’re out and how are we supposed to cover her work if it doesn’t make sense?
She doesn’t open new cases right away. When I covered for her I found out she had a bunch of unopened new cases. We are told we need to open the cases at least within 24 hours. Those cases were sitting there for a week. She doesn’t file notes to docket a case for a hearing asap as told and we’re supposed to do that especially if it’s urgent.
I offer my help to her but she refuses. I don’t know but it’s like she’s sinking herself with work. Our supervisor knows she’s struggling but doesn’t want to reassign at least one of her attorneys to someone else. I feel bad because I like her, we’re friends.
submitted by Thegirlfromgalaxy to jobs [link] [comments]
As assistants we need to stay on top of updating files and uploading discovery. My coworker assist 3 attorneys, about 60 cases each. I see how much she’s been struggling keeping up with the cases. She is behind on updating the files in terms of court dates and mailing notices out. She asks the same questions over and over again, she’s been in this role for almost 8 months. I have provided her a guide on her questions yet she asks the same questions. The most shocking question was today when she asked where court is happening…. It always happens at the same place. I wouldn’t say she’s got dementia, she’s only 40 years old. We got someone in our unit whose 60 years old and she’s on top of her work.
I noticed she hasn’t uploaded discovery from November of last year in a case and I only brought it to her attention because I had a task to check files and all that. That discovery could’ve been important in the outcome of the case.
Her notes, emails, and any written communications do not make sense. They’re not clear. It’s just a bunch of run on sentences. I’m not the only one who noticed how her work doesn’t make sense. Other coworkers have seen it too. And it sucks because we cover each other when we’re out and how are we supposed to cover her work if it doesn’t make sense?
She doesn’t open new cases right away. When I covered for her I found out she had a bunch of unopened new cases. We are told we need to open the cases at least within 24 hours. Those cases were sitting there for a week. She doesn’t file notes to docket a case for a hearing asap as told and we’re supposed to do that especially if it’s urgent.
I offer my help to her but she refuses. I don’t know but it’s like she’s sinking herself with work. Our supervisor knows she’s struggling but doesn’t want to reassign at least one of her attorneys to someone else. I feel bad because I like her, we’re friends.
2023.03.20 22:26 ThrowRAtossed416 M31 Needs Advice with F28 and our LTR of 7+ years.
TLDR; I was in love with my gf, she broke up with me. We were apart for a year and some change before we reconciled and started dating. Now we have been together for about 7 years total and I’m hesitant on marriage. May be influenced by someone else.
I apologize in advance that some detail will have to be omitted for privacy concerns. This will also be a long story as I am very confused and have never been in this type of situation before.
We began dating when we were young, 24 and 21. Previously to her, I was in multiple relationships where she was in one serious one that ended a few months prior to us dating. We virtually skipped over any honeymoon phase due to personal reasons on my end, and jumped straight into a serious relationship. Over the next few years, I swore I was going to marry this woman. She was everything I was looking for at the time. Smart, beautiful, sociable, and my family loved her. She had the qualities that would make her an excellent mother and wonderful wife.
Even though we’ve had common relationship problems, there was never a moment where we had huge disagreements. Over the years we grew extremely close with each other. When she finished up her degree, she had an opportunity to intern in a different state on the opposite side of the country from where we lived at the time. I was still in school finishing up my degree. We also both lived with our parents at the time due to financial reasons. I was so excited for her to start this internship, as it would be an excellent stepping stone into the career she wanted. She, on the other hand, was nervous about being long distance for about a year, but I ensured her we were strong enough and communicate well enough for us to make it a year. I was wrong.
Finances were tight, but I made every effort to try and fly out to visit her as often as I could. I would also try to set up times to text/call/FaceTime but with the time differences it became difficult. I was ahead by 3 hours and often went to sleep early so I could commute to school. I flew out one last time to celebrate her birthday, and it was quite possibly one of the most miserable weeks of my life. I’ve never felt so unloved, uncared for, and disregarded in my life. I felt like I was sleeping with a stranger. We barely touched each other, she walked ahead of me as we were exploring the city, and basically ignored me when I met her new group of friends.
I flew home, called her and told her how I felt. I told her I understood we are in a rough patch but she was the woman of my dreams and I want to fight for what we had. She blindsided me by absolutely breaking my heart. At this point we were together for a little over 3 years. I was devastated. Confused. Broken. At this time, I have no idea if she was cheating on me. I never cared to ask.
Fast forward in time about a year. She’s reached out a few times but I basically kept things short. I had a new job that paid well, and was focused on meeting new people. Covid hit, and she found herself back home and she reached out me to see if I wanted to meet up and talk. Every logical fiber in my body was telling me to run, but my emotions overcame me and against my better judgement I agreed to meet and talk. I never asked if someone else was the cause of the break up, or what her rationale was. I also never asked if she saw someone while we were apart, mostly because we were broken up and I was talking to other people as well. We ended up reconciling and began dating again.
We ended up moving in together after some time. During this period I thought everything was back to normal. However, I noticed I would not tell people I was in a relationship unless specifically asked. If I did tell someone, I kept it insanely minimal. I would find excuses to change the subject or would say I keep my work and private life separate, which I very much do. But omitting information such as being in a serious relationship should’ve got me thinking something was wrong beforehand.
We were living together when I sprung the news I had to move to a new state to finish grad school, and she uprooted her entire life to move with me and support me, partially because of what happened in our past.
To put things into perspective, we’ve now been together a little over 7 years total. We’ve discussed marriage, children, future goals, the works. I would’ve married her, but there has always been something that made me hesitant. Now I do love her, she is still an amazing person despite what we’ve been through.
To complicate the situation, before we left, a woman who I found attractive at work exchanged contact information with me and we’ve been talking more frequently. The field I work in is predominantly women, and I interact with very driven, beautiful, funny women daily. There’s always been mutual attraction between myself and other women, but I’ve never felt the desire to ruin my home life over one of them. I find myself drawn to her, and check my phone waiting to see if she has sent me anything. I find myself wanting to pursue this new woman more than wanting to stay in this relationship. However, this other woman is in a different state. I understand crushes happen, but this feels like more.
So here I am. In a new state with someone who I thought I was 100% sure on marrying, who is 100% committed to seeing the relationship succeed and I feel myself pulling away to potentially pursue someone else in another state.
I know how this sounds, and I’ve guilted myself into telling my current partner my hesitancy on marriage, which blindsided her and put me in a position to figure out what I want.
I’m not sure if pursuing this new woman would result in a fruitful relationship, but I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities. On the other hand, I do love my partner. We’ve been through so much together and are generally happy, but I fear my hesitancy may be coming from somewhere else. Is it this new woman? Is it from unhealed wounds from the previous break up?
I’m afraid I never truly recommitted to my partner and got back together because I was more afraid of being alone. Now I have these new intense feelings, which may not be reciprocated, that is causing me to overanalyze everything and rethink my current relationship.
Again, I know how this all sounds. I know people will tell me to break up and pursue the other girl, drop the idea of the other woman and fix what I have, or drop both of them and fix myself. They are all reasonable suggestions and I cannot justify any of them. I love and respect my partner, but I feel selfish not matching her current intentions. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is cold feet, insecurity, immaturity, or all of the above.
I need 3rd party perspective, which is why I turned here. I’ve been trying to figure this all out on my own without success. Any and all insight is greatly appreciated.
submitted by ThrowRAtossed416 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
I apologize in advance that some detail will have to be omitted for privacy concerns. This will also be a long story as I am very confused and have never been in this type of situation before.
We began dating when we were young, 24 and 21. Previously to her, I was in multiple relationships where she was in one serious one that ended a few months prior to us dating. We virtually skipped over any honeymoon phase due to personal reasons on my end, and jumped straight into a serious relationship. Over the next few years, I swore I was going to marry this woman. She was everything I was looking for at the time. Smart, beautiful, sociable, and my family loved her. She had the qualities that would make her an excellent mother and wonderful wife.
Even though we’ve had common relationship problems, there was never a moment where we had huge disagreements. Over the years we grew extremely close with each other. When she finished up her degree, she had an opportunity to intern in a different state on the opposite side of the country from where we lived at the time. I was still in school finishing up my degree. We also both lived with our parents at the time due to financial reasons. I was so excited for her to start this internship, as it would be an excellent stepping stone into the career she wanted. She, on the other hand, was nervous about being long distance for about a year, but I ensured her we were strong enough and communicate well enough for us to make it a year. I was wrong.
Finances were tight, but I made every effort to try and fly out to visit her as often as I could. I would also try to set up times to text/call/FaceTime but with the time differences it became difficult. I was ahead by 3 hours and often went to sleep early so I could commute to school. I flew out one last time to celebrate her birthday, and it was quite possibly one of the most miserable weeks of my life. I’ve never felt so unloved, uncared for, and disregarded in my life. I felt like I was sleeping with a stranger. We barely touched each other, she walked ahead of me as we were exploring the city, and basically ignored me when I met her new group of friends.
I flew home, called her and told her how I felt. I told her I understood we are in a rough patch but she was the woman of my dreams and I want to fight for what we had. She blindsided me by absolutely breaking my heart. At this point we were together for a little over 3 years. I was devastated. Confused. Broken. At this time, I have no idea if she was cheating on me. I never cared to ask.
Fast forward in time about a year. She’s reached out a few times but I basically kept things short. I had a new job that paid well, and was focused on meeting new people. Covid hit, and she found herself back home and she reached out me to see if I wanted to meet up and talk. Every logical fiber in my body was telling me to run, but my emotions overcame me and against my better judgement I agreed to meet and talk. I never asked if someone else was the cause of the break up, or what her rationale was. I also never asked if she saw someone while we were apart, mostly because we were broken up and I was talking to other people as well. We ended up reconciling and began dating again.
We ended up moving in together after some time. During this period I thought everything was back to normal. However, I noticed I would not tell people I was in a relationship unless specifically asked. If I did tell someone, I kept it insanely minimal. I would find excuses to change the subject or would say I keep my work and private life separate, which I very much do. But omitting information such as being in a serious relationship should’ve got me thinking something was wrong beforehand.
We were living together when I sprung the news I had to move to a new state to finish grad school, and she uprooted her entire life to move with me and support me, partially because of what happened in our past.
To put things into perspective, we’ve now been together a little over 7 years total. We’ve discussed marriage, children, future goals, the works. I would’ve married her, but there has always been something that made me hesitant. Now I do love her, she is still an amazing person despite what we’ve been through.
To complicate the situation, before we left, a woman who I found attractive at work exchanged contact information with me and we’ve been talking more frequently. The field I work in is predominantly women, and I interact with very driven, beautiful, funny women daily. There’s always been mutual attraction between myself and other women, but I’ve never felt the desire to ruin my home life over one of them. I find myself drawn to her, and check my phone waiting to see if she has sent me anything. I find myself wanting to pursue this new woman more than wanting to stay in this relationship. However, this other woman is in a different state. I understand crushes happen, but this feels like more.
So here I am. In a new state with someone who I thought I was 100% sure on marrying, who is 100% committed to seeing the relationship succeed and I feel myself pulling away to potentially pursue someone else in another state.
I know how this sounds, and I’ve guilted myself into telling my current partner my hesitancy on marriage, which blindsided her and put me in a position to figure out what I want.
I’m not sure if pursuing this new woman would result in a fruitful relationship, but I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities. On the other hand, I do love my partner. We’ve been through so much together and are generally happy, but I fear my hesitancy may be coming from somewhere else. Is it this new woman? Is it from unhealed wounds from the previous break up?
I’m afraid I never truly recommitted to my partner and got back together because I was more afraid of being alone. Now I have these new intense feelings, which may not be reciprocated, that is causing me to overanalyze everything and rethink my current relationship.
Again, I know how this all sounds. I know people will tell me to break up and pursue the other girl, drop the idea of the other woman and fix what I have, or drop both of them and fix myself. They are all reasonable suggestions and I cannot justify any of them. I love and respect my partner, but I feel selfish not matching her current intentions. I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is cold feet, insecurity, immaturity, or all of the above.
I need 3rd party perspective, which is why I turned here. I’ve been trying to figure this all out on my own without success. Any and all insight is greatly appreciated.
2023.03.20 22:22 thrwaway1622 Early in recovery, how did you deal with the PA’s emotional fluctuation?
I want to preface by kindly asking that anyone who replies refrains from “just leave” and “it’ll never get better” kind of comments. I understand if you feel that’s true and are trying to look out for others by saying so, but I’m not ready to leave my partner and these kinds of comments have caused me to go down really hopeless, dark rabbit holes in recent weeks. I’m working with my own betrayal trauma therapist so I have support that is very aware of the realities of this addiction. Thank you.
This turned into a semi vent, but I’m looking for support and advice from those who can relate. My partner has one month sober in SAA this Thursday. He’s been going to 1-2 meetings daily. This coming after 6 months of unsuccessfully white knuckling it, and about 2 years since initially disclosing his addiction to me. We were engaged the year prior and have been together 8 years total. I believe he has been sober this time; he no longer uses a smartphone, he has no access to any device that can get online without me unlocking it, we still have tracking apps, he isn’t home alone, doesn’t close the bathroom door, etc. These are things we mutually agreed on. He’s spent a lot of time at home journaling and reading books related to trauma recovery, sex and porn addiction, and other self help topics. He’s been working through the Help Her Heal workbook. He’s been working on his first step and 3 circles (I feel like these should both be done already). He got a sponsor. He’s scheduled to start working with a specialized therapist who also does EMDR next week. That I’m really hopeful about.
The thing I’m immensely struggling with though is his emotional fluctuation and inconsistency. I almost feel like I’m dealing with someone with split personalities. There’s a side of my partner who is wholly on board with recovery. He’s aware of the damage he’s caused and how his addiction and hiding it has impacted me. He feels genuine remorse. He’s kind, respectful and helpful. He’s committed and doing his best to wade through the discomfort of learning to be vulnerable and honest. He’s trying to be present with my emotions. But then there’s a side of him that is essentially the polar opposite. He’s still slipping into denial about the reality of his addiction. Still seeking external validation from me that everything’s fine when it isn’t. Still picking out anything about day to day life that looks “normal” and justifying to himself that the presence of it means there’s no problem anymore. He feels entitled to unconditional support and sees my emotions as taking away space for his. He’s flippant, self deprecating and detached. I feel like this side falls into objectification of women easily, whether that’s through porn or using me for emotional support.
When he’s been in a grounded headspace we’ve talked about this thoroughly and he calls this his addict brain. He says it feels like his angry inner child comes out, and that child feels entitled to anything that will make him feel better and resents anything and anyone that threatens that or meets him with anything other than unconditional positive regard. He was first exposed to porn at 8 years old, when his parents were divorcing and made no effort to explain anything that was going on to the kids. I understand the trauma, the misplaced anger and feelings of not receiving the care he needed. I experienced childhood emotional neglect too, so I empathize to a point…but I’ve grown to fucking hate his inner child. I can tell which headspace he’s in because his voice, facial expression, posture, everything is different between the two. I absolutely hate the way his shoulders slink down like an angsty teen and his eyebrows raise like he’s pouting. I hate the way his pitch goes up and he gets quieter, sometimes bordering on baby talk. This side of him is a professional pity party planner. It is so so unattractive to me. The self deprecation . The “I’m just a piece of shit”. I don’t care. I’m tired of hearing it. It feels like manipulation, and I call him on that. Like he’s trying to pull on my heartstrings to feel bad for him and cut him some slack. Sometimes he looks at me with total disdain when I tell him I’m not engaging with his victim mentality. I feel like he’s looking at me and seeing his Mom, projecting the shitty parent she was onto me because in that moment I’m not cleaning up the mess she made.
He’s been good about telling me about his meetings, sharing his reflections and what he’s learning. He hasn’t been as good about expressing active empathy and engaging with my experience, because I feel like that massively triggers the addict brain and he hasn’t found successful ways of regulating when he feels triggered.
I have it in me to support him through recovery, to do the hard work of rebuilding trust in our relationship. I want to save our relationship. But none of that is possible when he’s in the triggered headspace. When he’s grounded he sees me as his teammate, but addict brain sees me as his enemy. Every time the triggered mindset comes out I feel myself getting angrier and angrier. Being treated like the enemy feels like the most intense form of invalidation possible. Then we just circle the drain.
For the last month we’ve had 4-5 day stretches of him staying 90% in the grounded headspace. We’ve had fumbles and defensiveness that we’ve been able to work through without it escalating. But we haven’t been able to make it longer than 5 days without something happening that triggers the addict brain and he’s unable to regulate for at least 24 hours. Sometimes what triggers it will seem so minuscule to me that I don’t even catch it. In that instance what frequently happens is we’ll be having a conversation and then he starts saying things that are totally contradictory to things he said just a minute ago. I get confused and ask for clarity, and he either continues to contradict, gets defensive or starts trying to justify. Then I see that he’s no longer communicating from a grounded place. I do my best to disengage as soon as I catch it. Twice he’s caught it and gone into another room to try to regulate, which is progress, but I still feel like the frequency of him being unable to do that is unreasonable and not creating a safe environment for me.
This vacillation is making me feel like it’s impossible for me to support him in his recovery, because I feel like the lack of consistency triggers my feeling of being deceived. I grew up in a home where I had to walk on eggshells around an emotionally unstable parent, and I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t triggering in that regard too.
I’m just curious to know if anyone who experienced something like this felt like it got better as your partner progressed in therapy and/or active recovery? Did anything specific help? Is disengaging the best way for me to handle this in terms of protecting myself? What else did you do to support yourself?
submitted by thrwaway1622 to loveafterporn [link] [comments]
The thing I’m immensely struggling with though is his emotional fluctuation and inconsistency. I almost feel like I’m dealing with someone with split personalities. There’s a side of my partner who is wholly on board with recovery. He’s aware of the damage he’s caused and how his addiction and hiding it has impacted me. He feels genuine remorse. He’s kind, respectful and helpful. He’s committed and doing his best to wade through the discomfort of learning to be vulnerable and honest. He’s trying to be present with my emotions. But then there’s a side of him that is essentially the polar opposite. He’s still slipping into denial about the reality of his addiction. Still seeking external validation from me that everything’s fine when it isn’t. Still picking out anything about day to day life that looks “normal” and justifying to himself that the presence of it means there’s no problem anymore. He feels entitled to unconditional support and sees my emotions as taking away space for his. He’s flippant, self deprecating and detached. I feel like this side falls into objectification of women easily, whether that’s through porn or using me for emotional support.
When he’s been in a grounded headspace we’ve talked about this thoroughly and he calls this his addict brain. He says it feels like his angry inner child comes out, and that child feels entitled to anything that will make him feel better and resents anything and anyone that threatens that or meets him with anything other than unconditional positive regard. He was first exposed to porn at 8 years old, when his parents were divorcing and made no effort to explain anything that was going on to the kids. I understand the trauma, the misplaced anger and feelings of not receiving the care he needed. I experienced childhood emotional neglect too, so I empathize to a point…but I’ve grown to fucking hate his inner child. I can tell which headspace he’s in because his voice, facial expression, posture, everything is different between the two. I absolutely hate the way his shoulders slink down like an angsty teen and his eyebrows raise like he’s pouting. I hate the way his pitch goes up and he gets quieter, sometimes bordering on baby talk. This side of him is a professional pity party planner. It is so so unattractive to me. The self deprecation . The “I’m just a piece of shit”. I don’t care. I’m tired of hearing it. It feels like manipulation, and I call him on that. Like he’s trying to pull on my heartstrings to feel bad for him and cut him some slack. Sometimes he looks at me with total disdain when I tell him I’m not engaging with his victim mentality. I feel like he’s looking at me and seeing his Mom, projecting the shitty parent she was onto me because in that moment I’m not cleaning up the mess she made.
He’s been good about telling me about his meetings, sharing his reflections and what he’s learning. He hasn’t been as good about expressing active empathy and engaging with my experience, because I feel like that massively triggers the addict brain and he hasn’t found successful ways of regulating when he feels triggered.
I have it in me to support him through recovery, to do the hard work of rebuilding trust in our relationship. I want to save our relationship. But none of that is possible when he’s in the triggered headspace. When he’s grounded he sees me as his teammate, but addict brain sees me as his enemy. Every time the triggered mindset comes out I feel myself getting angrier and angrier. Being treated like the enemy feels like the most intense form of invalidation possible. Then we just circle the drain.
For the last month we’ve had 4-5 day stretches of him staying 90% in the grounded headspace. We’ve had fumbles and defensiveness that we’ve been able to work through without it escalating. But we haven’t been able to make it longer than 5 days without something happening that triggers the addict brain and he’s unable to regulate for at least 24 hours. Sometimes what triggers it will seem so minuscule to me that I don’t even catch it. In that instance what frequently happens is we’ll be having a conversation and then he starts saying things that are totally contradictory to things he said just a minute ago. I get confused and ask for clarity, and he either continues to contradict, gets defensive or starts trying to justify. Then I see that he’s no longer communicating from a grounded place. I do my best to disengage as soon as I catch it. Twice he’s caught it and gone into another room to try to regulate, which is progress, but I still feel like the frequency of him being unable to do that is unreasonable and not creating a safe environment for me.
This vacillation is making me feel like it’s impossible for me to support him in his recovery, because I feel like the lack of consistency triggers my feeling of being deceived. I grew up in a home where I had to walk on eggshells around an emotionally unstable parent, and I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t triggering in that regard too.
I’m just curious to know if anyone who experienced something like this felt like it got better as your partner progressed in therapy and/or active recovery? Did anything specific help? Is disengaging the best way for me to handle this in terms of protecting myself? What else did you do to support yourself?
2023.03.20 22:11 No-Truth6652 Banned from fortnite due to creative glitch.
Hello, I know most people hate seeing these type of stories on here but I just wanna share my story and this is the only way I can take out my anger without breaking something. I would also like to state this is my First ban ever on Fortnite.
Story: I was playing Creative mode with my friend and was messing around with the hammers on fortnite, the grey hammer has some sort of aimbot thing on it and the shockwave hammer thing has this thing where you can bounce in mid air, I'm guessing the game thought I was cheating and "Temperarly" banned me for it. So I was just gonna wait the 24 hours out, thinking Epig would just solve the mistake, but no. A day passes by and I check how many hours I got left and was greeted by a nice little message saying banned and preventing me from opening the game, there goes my years of playing, my season 1 skins, my money, my childhood, and my skills and friends. I noticed on the other bans from the community Epig always copy and pastes the same message over and over again, saying they looked into it (Which they didn't) and permanently banned me due to them "detecting" a cheat program. I only had Discord, Opera GX, and Fortnite open at the time. I was recently hacked, and it could be the malicious software interfered with Fortnite's game code, but I don't think they care about their community. I'm surprised Epig didn't get sued yet, or better anti-cheats and "support" teams.
TL:DR I was banned on fortnite for a glitch in Creative mode and Epig scams didn't even try to help.
I have a question though, If I were to just switch accounts, would that account be banned also? Would I need a spoofer and a VPN?
submitted by No-Truth6652 to fuckepic [link] [comments]
Story: I was playing Creative mode with my friend and was messing around with the hammers on fortnite, the grey hammer has some sort of aimbot thing on it and the shockwave hammer thing has this thing where you can bounce in mid air, I'm guessing the game thought I was cheating and "Temperarly" banned me for it. So I was just gonna wait the 24 hours out, thinking Epig would just solve the mistake, but no. A day passes by and I check how many hours I got left and was greeted by a nice little message saying banned and preventing me from opening the game, there goes my years of playing, my season 1 skins, my money, my childhood, and my skills and friends. I noticed on the other bans from the community Epig always copy and pastes the same message over and over again, saying they looked into it (Which they didn't) and permanently banned me due to them "detecting" a cheat program. I only had Discord, Opera GX, and Fortnite open at the time. I was recently hacked, and it could be the malicious software interfered with Fortnite's game code, but I don't think they care about their community. I'm surprised Epig didn't get sued yet, or better anti-cheats and "support" teams.
TL:DR I was banned on fortnite for a glitch in Creative mode and Epig scams didn't even try to help.
I have a question though, If I were to just switch accounts, would that account be banned also? Would I need a spoofer and a VPN?
2023.03.20 22:10 LtPooNP The medical system is not collapsing
It has collapsed.
Yesterday, I received a text from a friend asking if a laceration needed sutures. I told them "yes" and to go to urgent care. When they arrived at urgent care, they were informed that there was only a virtual provider there. All visits were being done telemedicine. The ED was full and it would be multiple hours long wait to have the laceration repaired.
This is a microcosm of the issues we are seeing every day. The lack of access to care is worsening every day. People are leaving medicine in droves. Insurance companies and hospital systems get along as well as toddlers jacked up on apple juice. I don't know the answer but I feel overwhelmed and unable to do the thing that I've felt called to do all of my life. I know I'm not saying anything new to you all but I need to voice my frustration somewhere and my next therapist appointment is in 2 weeks.
I started out in medicine nearly 30 years ago as an Air Force medic and have made it through the ranks as a medical assistant, CNA, ICU nurse, EMT and now NP. Work has never been this stressful. Physicians and nurses used to often not retire until they were in their 70s and 80s. I'm in my 40s and I'm done. But I'm not, because student loans still need to be paid.
submitted by LtPooNP to medicine [link] [comments]
Yesterday, I received a text from a friend asking if a laceration needed sutures. I told them "yes" and to go to urgent care. When they arrived at urgent care, they were informed that there was only a virtual provider there. All visits were being done telemedicine. The ED was full and it would be multiple hours long wait to have the laceration repaired.
This is a microcosm of the issues we are seeing every day. The lack of access to care is worsening every day. People are leaving medicine in droves. Insurance companies and hospital systems get along as well as toddlers jacked up on apple juice. I don't know the answer but I feel overwhelmed and unable to do the thing that I've felt called to do all of my life. I know I'm not saying anything new to you all but I need to voice my frustration somewhere and my next therapist appointment is in 2 weeks.
I started out in medicine nearly 30 years ago as an Air Force medic and have made it through the ranks as a medical assistant, CNA, ICU nurse, EMT and now NP. Work has never been this stressful. Physicians and nurses used to often not retire until they were in their 70s and 80s. I'm in my 40s and I'm done. But I'm not, because student loans still need to be paid.
2023.03.20 21:58 ligboser45 One-time Psychotic Break or Schizophrenia?
Hello everyone, this is probably going to be pretty long and scatter-brained and if you get through it all thank you.
Three months ago I suffered a psychotic episode and it has left me feeling terrified of the prospect that this might be schizophrenia and is doomed to reoccur.
I've always really struggled to make friends and haven't had any close real life friends since puberty. I ended up turning to the Internet for the bulk of my social interaction. This was good for a time and probably better than nothing, but since I graduated college my online friends have grown up and moved on and I have failed to do so myself.
My best (online) friend of about 8 years and I used to talk, play/develop video games together pretty much every day. During this time, I also was really unhappy with my job and got talked into quitting by my friend but he assumed I would look for another job when... I didn't really. Our talking abruptly stopped when he got his first girlfriend. Slowly he became rarer and rarer with brief periods of resurgence every so often when she was unavailable. When we did talk, it usually involved smoking Delta-8 THC/HHC which I think we both started doing about a year into us not talking as much. I don't really blame him for this, but it did leave me feeling more alone than ever.
With him being fairly rare, I decided that the best course of action was for me to get a girlfriend myself. I had always wanted to but am riddled with anxiety and an extreme fear of rejection that has always made the prospect really daunting. I think I was about 24 and I tried alcohol for the first time so I could make some dating app profiles. I wasn't able to find a girlfriend... lol. Blame it on living in a rural area, blame it on being less attractive or maybe the weakness can be seen in my eyes I'm not entirely sure. The point is this only further isolated me because it was able to reinforce those suspicions that I am truly as undesirable as I feel on the inside.
At some point during this extreme loneliness period, I resorted to using Omegle text chat to talk to random people. I met a woman on there that completely turned my world upside down. She showered me with compliments and made me feel a lot better about myself. She built me up then told me she had feelings for me. Then a week later she told me she was already married. I'm not proud of this whole saga and regret it immensely. I don't want to go into too much detail but please trust that she was a very troubled woman and she seems quite malicious in retrospect now that I am not blinded by feelings. I had never seen someone lie so blatantly and frequently before. Worse still, I always somehow ended up feeling like the bad guy. She threatened suicide a lot and told me I was the only person in the world she trusted, it made it difficult to leave in good conscience. In retrospect, I should have called the police and told them what I knew and left it at that but I was too weak. Eventually, in the middle of her having a meltdown about something inconsequential I simply closed the chat, logged out and never opened it again. Telling her my intentions always led to me being manipulated into staying so it was the best I could do.
Months after ghosting her, I found myself in another online relationship with another troubled woman. She was much younger than me and I was quite ashamed of that because I felt the only reason she was attracted to me was immaturity. I also felt unable to connect with her largely due to that maturity gap. She actually visited me and we had some moments here and there but it became obvious that she was addicted to Adderall, and I witnessed her having a manic episode in person when she visited which really worried me. I wasn't sure how to help her, I felt extremely drained from the previous relationship and I didn't feel right for me to continue the relationship so I ended it. She got extremely upset at me and immediately started dating another guy. I was mostly upset at how effortlessly she was able to do that versus how difficult it was for me to do. This whole situation just made me feel like an asshole.
After that relationship, I was even more depressed. I felt like I'd be alone forever. I was mad at the world, the culture and most of all myself. Throughout all this, my performance at work had been steadily deteriorating after I negotiated doing exclusively work from home. I work as a programmer at as small company. Truthfully I feel like my job is kind of pointless because a premade solution would work even better than the hobbled together code that we have. I had been butting heads with the department manager quite a bit over code practices (for the uninitiated we just do things in an inefficient way). After those discussions and me going remote he became really micromanagey and just in general started causing me an enormous amount of stress. I was barely holding it together mentally but for some reason was able to prepare examples and stuff to show to our department and present it in front of everyone (which is very difficult for me with my anxiety). They got shot down however.
During that girl's last visit, an argument between my Mom and sister on one side and my Dad broke out about getting a new house. My sister and Mom at the time were unemployed and my Dad had the only income. The house they wanted, they really couldn't afford unless they also started working. I noticed during this fight that my Mom was being manipulative because she claimed that she never wanted something that I know that she wanted before (in terms of her and my Dad's retirement plan), she used this to claim that my Dad was being selfish. My Dad didn't want to sell the house that they were currently living in because it was locked in at a pretty good rate and they'd invested a lot into it.
I've kind of wanted to move away for some time, I've never been really close to my family. However, my lease was up and I proposed the idea to rent the existing house from them even though it's kind of out of my personal budget. I found this frustrating because it did kind of work against my own interests but I guess I had the urge to make everyone happy, you know? When I moved into the house, it was covered in clutter (mostly unwanted children's toys) that had not been cleared up. I wasn't against cleaning it up myself but I wasn't sure what sort of stuff they wanted to keep and what they wanted to get rid of. They told me to leave. So the house was mostly full of clutter, it looked almost like a hoarder house and it did bother me.
Eventually in about mid-December (also my 26th Birthday), I started clicking around YouTube and stumbled upon these narcissism videos. I was immediately struck with how well it fitted that first girl I mentioned, I suppose I "diagnosed" her. I then started thinking about my family, the fighting growing up, the way I am with my attachment issues. I started remembering some key moments from my childhood that kind of highlighted to me that my upbringing wasn't as normal as I had thought it was. I started asking my sisters things and they started telling me all sorts of twisted versions of stories. I learned that supposedly one of my sisters might not even be my Dad's and Mom has covered it up for 29 years.
I also have an estranged half sister that we haven't talked to for years and has been in and out of our lives. I contacted her and talked to her. I think by the time I contacted her I was a manic episode (this is based on my own interpretation), I didn't feel depressed anymore, I was just blinded by outrage of my own mother. This sister is a therapist and told me about dysfunctional family dynamics and how she thought our family was dysfunctional. This sister turned out to be a fairly unhinged conspiracy theorist however...
Things get kind of blurry at this point. I wasn't sleeping or eating much, I know I at least went 2 consecutive days without sleep, but I don't have a way to be sure. I just started seeing narcissism everywhere. It was like I went back and retroactively blamed every bad thing that had ever happened to me on narcissism. At some point I got it into my head that my Mom was going to steal money from me (she has asked for money in the past that I've never gotten back, or at least I didn't get it back when she said I would). My dad had me sign a rental agreement contract, just a generic one off Google. It had a deposit on it, I had become convinced that my Mom was planning to ask me for the deposit behind my Dad's back.
It's hard to piece this part together, but at some point I just snapped. One day I paced around the clutter-filled house convinced that someone was spying on me using different listening devices. I remember there were these bullshit Chinese "air purifiers" that plugged into the wall. I kept switching back and forth between those being Chinese listening devices and them being utilized by my family. I had the delusion that my family was secretly aware of my depression and because I was also a narcissist they had to covertly help me get better because it is impossible for a narcissist to be self-aware (this is something I heard on YouTube I don't know how accurate that is). I think I was really shaken by the prospect that I might be a one myself and a tsunami of guilt overtook me when I had that thought.
I ended up forgetting that I was already in contact with my oldest sister and found a scam website (truthfinders, if curious) that claimed to be able to find addresses. I became convinced through a variety of coincidences that this website had an unexplainable connection to my life and that maybe the world was a simulation or I was being recruited into some government program. This delusion caused me to deliberately start screwing with my family. I hid my Dad's wallet because I thought my Mom might make a new bank account behind his back (she wanted it). I caused a big scene and was taken to a local mental health place at the request of my oldest full sister. They were unable to detect that I was in psychosis and allowed me to leave. On the way out I started screaming at my oldest sister and accusing her of prescribing our mom prescription drugs (this is something she does but I'm unsure if she abuses it).
From here the delusions get crazier and crazier. Despite these outbursts, nobody in the family did anything but have my Dad watch over me. I felt a lot of shame having him there with me and he also snores very loudly which makes me worry for his health and also makes it harder to sleep. My 29 year old sister came to my house on the night January 1st and screamed in my face about something I don't remember what. I felt really scared and ran out the house over to the neighbors and the cops got called and stuff. My sister falsely told the police that I pulled a knife on her and my Dad. In reality my Dad had just handed me a butter knife from the drawer and I ran out the door. I'm not sure why I wanted it. I was allowed to go back in the house by the cops but couldn't sleep and started frantically trying to do something nonsensical. Eventually when my Dad was asleep I snuck out into the streets at 12am-1am and started knocking on doors. When nobody answered I started singing the national anthem really loudly which is actually kind of funny lmao.
The cops took me back to the mental health place that had cleared me previously. The cop waited with me for some time while I talked complete nonsense to him. He eventually took the cuffs off and left me alone with a "mental health professional" who promptly left me alone. After some time, I wandered off again into the streets in a bad part of town. I was thinking all sorts of crazy shit that I won't even bother going into. I was trying to get into cars and succeeded. The owner of the car stepped outside and locked me in and I panicked. I was then arrested and brought to jail. The jail treated me like shit, they immediately put me in full body restraints despite full cooperation and then wheeled me into a brightly lit gym. Within 15 minutes I was able to work the restraints loose and thought that I was in an escape room and needed to get the ball in the hoop with only my legs. They saw this on camera and came in and restrained me once more. I panicked and thought they were going to kill me so I started flailing my free legs. They tased me and finished restraining me. I was then left alone in there for 13 hours without water. This was literally the most terrifying experience of my life and I just wanted to mention it even though it isn't particularly relevant lol. I eventually got transferred to a state psychiatric ward where I was also treated very poorly but did manage to find reality once more.
When I got out of the pyschward I stopped taking the medication because I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't schizophrenic. In hindsight, this was reckless. I also immediately caught my Mom in more lies. She denied going through my phone when I can tell that she did because iMessage syncs with my Mac and I could see the stream of files and shit she sent to herself on it. She also denied that my older sister wasn't my Dad's and later admitted it. I immediately got worked up again and nobody seemed to really care about why I was worked up and dismissed it as nonsense (maybe it was?). They just kept asking me if I was sleeping not how I was feeling. I'm a chronic insomniac, all that pressure being put on me sleeping wasn't helping me sleep. I did manage to stabilize without medication and now I'm just back to being depressed.
After all that shit, the feeling I cannot shake is this lingering fear that I might have schizophrenia. I keep spacing out during the day and I have no motivation to do anything. Sometimes I just feel strange like I'm watching the world through a screen, it kind of reminds me of what it feels like to be high but I haven't had any THC for awhile. Sometimes I'll get hyped up and come up with all these ideas about how I need to start eating well, exercising, etc. But the second I set foot in this house all motivation disappears. I don't know if it was depression or what, but the only thing that I enjoyed towards the end (and even now) was smoking THC with that one friend when he occasionally comes around. It's the only thing that makes anything fun, otherwise it just feels completely pointless. I still want an intimate partner but I'm too afraid of getting hurt and I know that I'm not exactly a catch in my current state, you know?
The psychiatrist at the state-hospital didn't really say much and was constantly busy. The one I have now has given me the green light on not taking medication and said I don't have schizophrenia as well (although I have recently changed my mind and decided I need an antidepressant, I'll see him tomorrow about that). Despite this, I just don't know what they're basing this on. How do they truly decide whether or not this was an isolated incident or if this is a sign of things to come? When you look it up online you see that most schizophrenics recover after their first episode but have another within 5-7 years. I don't get how they decide if that'll happen or not. Can anyone offer any insight?
TLDR; I had psychosis (no voices or crazy visual hallucinations, just extreme delusions) and am wondering if it's schizophrenia or not.
submitted by ligboser45 to Psychosis [link] [comments]
Three months ago I suffered a psychotic episode and it has left me feeling terrified of the prospect that this might be schizophrenia and is doomed to reoccur.
I've always really struggled to make friends and haven't had any close real life friends since puberty. I ended up turning to the Internet for the bulk of my social interaction. This was good for a time and probably better than nothing, but since I graduated college my online friends have grown up and moved on and I have failed to do so myself.
My best (online) friend of about 8 years and I used to talk, play/develop video games together pretty much every day. During this time, I also was really unhappy with my job and got talked into quitting by my friend but he assumed I would look for another job when... I didn't really. Our talking abruptly stopped when he got his first girlfriend. Slowly he became rarer and rarer with brief periods of resurgence every so often when she was unavailable. When we did talk, it usually involved smoking Delta-8 THC/HHC which I think we both started doing about a year into us not talking as much. I don't really blame him for this, but it did leave me feeling more alone than ever.
With him being fairly rare, I decided that the best course of action was for me to get a girlfriend myself. I had always wanted to but am riddled with anxiety and an extreme fear of rejection that has always made the prospect really daunting. I think I was about 24 and I tried alcohol for the first time so I could make some dating app profiles. I wasn't able to find a girlfriend... lol. Blame it on living in a rural area, blame it on being less attractive or maybe the weakness can be seen in my eyes I'm not entirely sure. The point is this only further isolated me because it was able to reinforce those suspicions that I am truly as undesirable as I feel on the inside.
At some point during this extreme loneliness period, I resorted to using Omegle text chat to talk to random people. I met a woman on there that completely turned my world upside down. She showered me with compliments and made me feel a lot better about myself. She built me up then told me she had feelings for me. Then a week later she told me she was already married. I'm not proud of this whole saga and regret it immensely. I don't want to go into too much detail but please trust that she was a very troubled woman and she seems quite malicious in retrospect now that I am not blinded by feelings. I had never seen someone lie so blatantly and frequently before. Worse still, I always somehow ended up feeling like the bad guy. She threatened suicide a lot and told me I was the only person in the world she trusted, it made it difficult to leave in good conscience. In retrospect, I should have called the police and told them what I knew and left it at that but I was too weak. Eventually, in the middle of her having a meltdown about something inconsequential I simply closed the chat, logged out and never opened it again. Telling her my intentions always led to me being manipulated into staying so it was the best I could do.
Months after ghosting her, I found myself in another online relationship with another troubled woman. She was much younger than me and I was quite ashamed of that because I felt the only reason she was attracted to me was immaturity. I also felt unable to connect with her largely due to that maturity gap. She actually visited me and we had some moments here and there but it became obvious that she was addicted to Adderall, and I witnessed her having a manic episode in person when she visited which really worried me. I wasn't sure how to help her, I felt extremely drained from the previous relationship and I didn't feel right for me to continue the relationship so I ended it. She got extremely upset at me and immediately started dating another guy. I was mostly upset at how effortlessly she was able to do that versus how difficult it was for me to do. This whole situation just made me feel like an asshole.
After that relationship, I was even more depressed. I felt like I'd be alone forever. I was mad at the world, the culture and most of all myself. Throughout all this, my performance at work had been steadily deteriorating after I negotiated doing exclusively work from home. I work as a programmer at as small company. Truthfully I feel like my job is kind of pointless because a premade solution would work even better than the hobbled together code that we have. I had been butting heads with the department manager quite a bit over code practices (for the uninitiated we just do things in an inefficient way). After those discussions and me going remote he became really micromanagey and just in general started causing me an enormous amount of stress. I was barely holding it together mentally but for some reason was able to prepare examples and stuff to show to our department and present it in front of everyone (which is very difficult for me with my anxiety). They got shot down however.
During that girl's last visit, an argument between my Mom and sister on one side and my Dad broke out about getting a new house. My sister and Mom at the time were unemployed and my Dad had the only income. The house they wanted, they really couldn't afford unless they also started working. I noticed during this fight that my Mom was being manipulative because she claimed that she never wanted something that I know that she wanted before (in terms of her and my Dad's retirement plan), she used this to claim that my Dad was being selfish. My Dad didn't want to sell the house that they were currently living in because it was locked in at a pretty good rate and they'd invested a lot into it.
I've kind of wanted to move away for some time, I've never been really close to my family. However, my lease was up and I proposed the idea to rent the existing house from them even though it's kind of out of my personal budget. I found this frustrating because it did kind of work against my own interests but I guess I had the urge to make everyone happy, you know? When I moved into the house, it was covered in clutter (mostly unwanted children's toys) that had not been cleared up. I wasn't against cleaning it up myself but I wasn't sure what sort of stuff they wanted to keep and what they wanted to get rid of. They told me to leave. So the house was mostly full of clutter, it looked almost like a hoarder house and it did bother me.
Eventually in about mid-December (also my 26th Birthday), I started clicking around YouTube and stumbled upon these narcissism videos. I was immediately struck with how well it fitted that first girl I mentioned, I suppose I "diagnosed" her. I then started thinking about my family, the fighting growing up, the way I am with my attachment issues. I started remembering some key moments from my childhood that kind of highlighted to me that my upbringing wasn't as normal as I had thought it was. I started asking my sisters things and they started telling me all sorts of twisted versions of stories. I learned that supposedly one of my sisters might not even be my Dad's and Mom has covered it up for 29 years.
I also have an estranged half sister that we haven't talked to for years and has been in and out of our lives. I contacted her and talked to her. I think by the time I contacted her I was a manic episode (this is based on my own interpretation), I didn't feel depressed anymore, I was just blinded by outrage of my own mother. This sister is a therapist and told me about dysfunctional family dynamics and how she thought our family was dysfunctional. This sister turned out to be a fairly unhinged conspiracy theorist however...
Things get kind of blurry at this point. I wasn't sleeping or eating much, I know I at least went 2 consecutive days without sleep, but I don't have a way to be sure. I just started seeing narcissism everywhere. It was like I went back and retroactively blamed every bad thing that had ever happened to me on narcissism. At some point I got it into my head that my Mom was going to steal money from me (she has asked for money in the past that I've never gotten back, or at least I didn't get it back when she said I would). My dad had me sign a rental agreement contract, just a generic one off Google. It had a deposit on it, I had become convinced that my Mom was planning to ask me for the deposit behind my Dad's back.
It's hard to piece this part together, but at some point I just snapped. One day I paced around the clutter-filled house convinced that someone was spying on me using different listening devices. I remember there were these bullshit Chinese "air purifiers" that plugged into the wall. I kept switching back and forth between those being Chinese listening devices and them being utilized by my family. I had the delusion that my family was secretly aware of my depression and because I was also a narcissist they had to covertly help me get better because it is impossible for a narcissist to be self-aware (this is something I heard on YouTube I don't know how accurate that is). I think I was really shaken by the prospect that I might be a one myself and a tsunami of guilt overtook me when I had that thought.
I ended up forgetting that I was already in contact with my oldest sister and found a scam website (truthfinders, if curious) that claimed to be able to find addresses. I became convinced through a variety of coincidences that this website had an unexplainable connection to my life and that maybe the world was a simulation or I was being recruited into some government program. This delusion caused me to deliberately start screwing with my family. I hid my Dad's wallet because I thought my Mom might make a new bank account behind his back (she wanted it). I caused a big scene and was taken to a local mental health place at the request of my oldest full sister. They were unable to detect that I was in psychosis and allowed me to leave. On the way out I started screaming at my oldest sister and accusing her of prescribing our mom prescription drugs (this is something she does but I'm unsure if she abuses it).
From here the delusions get crazier and crazier. Despite these outbursts, nobody in the family did anything but have my Dad watch over me. I felt a lot of shame having him there with me and he also snores very loudly which makes me worry for his health and also makes it harder to sleep. My 29 year old sister came to my house on the night January 1st and screamed in my face about something I don't remember what. I felt really scared and ran out the house over to the neighbors and the cops got called and stuff. My sister falsely told the police that I pulled a knife on her and my Dad. In reality my Dad had just handed me a butter knife from the drawer and I ran out the door. I'm not sure why I wanted it. I was allowed to go back in the house by the cops but couldn't sleep and started frantically trying to do something nonsensical. Eventually when my Dad was asleep I snuck out into the streets at 12am-1am and started knocking on doors. When nobody answered I started singing the national anthem really loudly which is actually kind of funny lmao.
The cops took me back to the mental health place that had cleared me previously. The cop waited with me for some time while I talked complete nonsense to him. He eventually took the cuffs off and left me alone with a "mental health professional" who promptly left me alone. After some time, I wandered off again into the streets in a bad part of town. I was thinking all sorts of crazy shit that I won't even bother going into. I was trying to get into cars and succeeded. The owner of the car stepped outside and locked me in and I panicked. I was then arrested and brought to jail. The jail treated me like shit, they immediately put me in full body restraints despite full cooperation and then wheeled me into a brightly lit gym. Within 15 minutes I was able to work the restraints loose and thought that I was in an escape room and needed to get the ball in the hoop with only my legs. They saw this on camera and came in and restrained me once more. I panicked and thought they were going to kill me so I started flailing my free legs. They tased me and finished restraining me. I was then left alone in there for 13 hours without water. This was literally the most terrifying experience of my life and I just wanted to mention it even though it isn't particularly relevant lol. I eventually got transferred to a state psychiatric ward where I was also treated very poorly but did manage to find reality once more.
When I got out of the pyschward I stopped taking the medication because I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't schizophrenic. In hindsight, this was reckless. I also immediately caught my Mom in more lies. She denied going through my phone when I can tell that she did because iMessage syncs with my Mac and I could see the stream of files and shit she sent to herself on it. She also denied that my older sister wasn't my Dad's and later admitted it. I immediately got worked up again and nobody seemed to really care about why I was worked up and dismissed it as nonsense (maybe it was?). They just kept asking me if I was sleeping not how I was feeling. I'm a chronic insomniac, all that pressure being put on me sleeping wasn't helping me sleep. I did manage to stabilize without medication and now I'm just back to being depressed.
After all that shit, the feeling I cannot shake is this lingering fear that I might have schizophrenia. I keep spacing out during the day and I have no motivation to do anything. Sometimes I just feel strange like I'm watching the world through a screen, it kind of reminds me of what it feels like to be high but I haven't had any THC for awhile. Sometimes I'll get hyped up and come up with all these ideas about how I need to start eating well, exercising, etc. But the second I set foot in this house all motivation disappears. I don't know if it was depression or what, but the only thing that I enjoyed towards the end (and even now) was smoking THC with that one friend when he occasionally comes around. It's the only thing that makes anything fun, otherwise it just feels completely pointless. I still want an intimate partner but I'm too afraid of getting hurt and I know that I'm not exactly a catch in my current state, you know?
The psychiatrist at the state-hospital didn't really say much and was constantly busy. The one I have now has given me the green light on not taking medication and said I don't have schizophrenia as well (although I have recently changed my mind and decided I need an antidepressant, I'll see him tomorrow about that). Despite this, I just don't know what they're basing this on. How do they truly decide whether or not this was an isolated incident or if this is a sign of things to come? When you look it up online you see that most schizophrenics recover after their first episode but have another within 5-7 years. I don't get how they decide if that'll happen or not. Can anyone offer any insight?
TLDR; I had psychosis (no voices or crazy visual hallucinations, just extreme delusions) and am wondering if it's schizophrenia or not.
2023.03.20 21:57 realhow123 Rules for The Facility
Welcome new security guard! You have been hired as our old security guard died, we aren't going to lie to you. There's no point. You must be very desperate for a job. Anyway, here are some basic rules and info.
Info: You will be working alone as the sole security guard if this entire facility. You will be working 24/5 (You will not work on weekends). You will sleep from 1PM to 6PM as it is guaranteed that nothing will happen during this time. There are 8 other employees, they will be in their own offices. They will be outside extremely rarely. You will be paid a generous $12 per hour. You will sleep in the armory where there's a bunk bed. The armory's weapons are all damaged beyond repair. There is a very special hiding crate in the armory, hide when you feel you're in danger.
Failure to follow these rules will result in death, it is unknown how as bodies just die without any obvious reasons.
Rules:
1)If any object seems to move when you look away, look away and back. If the object is still in that position, move it back.
2)Do not use the armory's weapons, you won't die or be punished, but you will be very disappointed.
3)If you see mysterious human-like entities crawling on the ceiling, ground or wall, close your eyes and breath in... and hold... and breath out. You may feel hair or something else rubbing and touching your face. You will close your eyes and focus on your breathing until you feel a strong sense of calmness.
4)Do not open doors to any of the offices, even if they are very clearly vacant.
5)If you hear footsteps behind you, run as fast as you can and go hide in the crate in the armory, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. You might feel the presence of another person in the crate, this is normal. You can exit when you hear absolutely nothing other than your breathing, and I repeat, your breathing. Not anyone else's.
5)If you feel a specific area makes you feel discomfort, simply ignore the feeling. You may need to carry one of the broken weapons from the armory, just to trick the entities.
6)You are not allowed to vandalize anything here, you will not die, but will get punished.
7)If you feel extra safe in an area, avoid it at all costs. Run away from the area.
8)Be respectful to our employees, they work very hard. You will be punished if any employee complains about you.
9)Only sleep at the designated sleep time.
10)Enjoy your time here, and always remember, you cannot leave, you have already signed the contract.
We care about your safety, you just need to follow these rules! And also, there are many other undocumented events that can happen. Just hide in the crate if anything else happens.
submitted by realhow123 to Ruleshorror [link] [comments]
Info: You will be working alone as the sole security guard if this entire facility. You will be working 24/5 (You will not work on weekends). You will sleep from 1PM to 6PM as it is guaranteed that nothing will happen during this time. There are 8 other employees, they will be in their own offices. They will be outside extremely rarely. You will be paid a generous $12 per hour. You will sleep in the armory where there's a bunk bed. The armory's weapons are all damaged beyond repair. There is a very special hiding crate in the armory, hide when you feel you're in danger.
Failure to follow these rules will result in death, it is unknown how as bodies just die without any obvious reasons.
Rules:
1)If any object seems to move when you look away, look away and back. If the object is still in that position, move it back.
2)Do not use the armory's weapons, you won't die or be punished, but you will be very disappointed.
3)If you see mysterious human-like entities crawling on the ceiling, ground or wall, close your eyes and breath in... and hold... and breath out. You may feel hair or something else rubbing and touching your face. You will close your eyes and focus on your breathing until you feel a strong sense of calmness.
4)Do not open doors to any of the offices, even if they are very clearly vacant.
5)If you hear footsteps behind you, run as fast as you can and go hide in the crate in the armory, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. You might feel the presence of another person in the crate, this is normal. You can exit when you hear absolutely nothing other than your breathing, and I repeat, your breathing. Not anyone else's.
5)If you feel a specific area makes you feel discomfort, simply ignore the feeling. You may need to carry one of the broken weapons from the armory, just to trick the entities.
6)You are not allowed to vandalize anything here, you will not die, but will get punished.
7)If you feel extra safe in an area, avoid it at all costs. Run away from the area.
8)Be respectful to our employees, they work very hard. You will be punished if any employee complains about you.
9)Only sleep at the designated sleep time.
10)Enjoy your time here, and always remember, you cannot leave, you have already signed the contract.
We care about your safety, you just need to follow these rules! And also, there are many other undocumented events that can happen. Just hide in the crate if anything else happens.
2023.03.20 21:49 SouthParkiscool I've been traveling to different realities for six years. Help me. (Part 3)
Part 2
I fell backwards through the portal, landing on the ground back in the reality of hell. The dread spiked as I got back up on my feet. I thought the two blond maniacs would follow me back in, but they didn't. The portal closed, offering me a view of somebody crying over the phone on their porch across the street. Did they notice the flash of light? They're probably too caught up in their own business. The attacks being as gruesome as they are, I'm surprised I haven't died yet.
I stepped back into the house and closed the door behind me. William and Jason sit on the couch, faces pale and mouths hanging open as they watched helicopter footage of wild tentacle creatures running down streets and tackling people. A tighter dread overtook me.
Was this really it for me? Was I going to die here because my parallel self thought revenge would somehow fix things? Do I think that way? No, I don't. If she thought nobody should feel trapped, she wouldn't have been okay with making me feel trapped. I guess that's because he only cares when she's the one feeling trapped. People are human to her until they do something she doesn't like, then she lowers her standards and treats them like animals… Somehow that's supposed to make peace. It doesn't.
I asked Jason if there was a room I could stay in. I was given a spare bedroom down the hallway. Once I found it, I layed down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping I'd be alive for more than another 24 hours. Any moment, some creature was probably going to crash through the window or something, or a giant monstrosity was going to smash the house to the ground. I had never been more afraid of death in my life.
About 20 minutes later, I decided I had to distract myself from all the mayhem and fear in any way possible. I pulled out William's spare phone and Googled various things I was interested in. I assumed TikTok would be filled with video clips of the attacks, so I wasn't downloading that. I watched some YouTube videos though. My adrenaline decreased, but I knew that if I ran out of things to enjoy, I would get bored and the adrenaline would shoot back up.
I'm not sure I'd say putting autoplay on was a mistake. It kinda was, but it kinda led to something interesting for me. The third video to play automatically was a video of a news report from the day the attacks began.
It started with Ontario politicians answering questions from reporters, then the Breaking News animation flashed across the screen. A video taken in Sharon, Ontario showed one of the giants moving down a street, smashing houses along its way. The uncanny look of the thing and how it moved sent chills down my spine. I tapped the screen. The title appeared on the screen.
"First news reports of the giant attacks - Full news broadcast 11 AM to 12:30 PM"
This was the very first attack. Interesting. Morbid curiosity overtook me. The attacks were historical, and if I was going to die here, why not know more about what's going to kill me.
I kept watching. Video footage taken from the Newmarket Community Center was played. It showed two giants smashing buildings down Main Street. The white church blew up, with debris flying all around. The buildings to the south were also reduced to rubble and dust. It was saddening to watch. As the giants began smashing buildings beside the Community Center, the camera operator let out a shaky "Oh my god" then backed away. They aimed to their left. A dozen of the bystanders were slowly turning away. As if they wanted to run but were too curious. A couple of them ran. A few other people from up the street ran by with pale faces. After the giants had passed by and smashed the buildings further to the south, some people in the crowd began to have a conversation.
"What is going on today…? why is this happening…?"
"We don't know why they're doing this… have they been reported elsewhere?"
"I checked the news five minutes ago. Nothing."
"I'm checking it again… nothing"
"I just checked CP-2-4 and they have footage of one in East Gwillimbury"
As they're talking, the giants smash the churches to the south, then they knock down the grey apartment building. Explosions can be seen inside as it crumbles and a plume of smoke rises up.
The next video I watched was of the two giants knocking the apartment building down but from an angle to the south based on what I knew about the location.
The next video began with the camera pointed to the ground. The camera was aimed up and a bit shaky. The camera was aimed at two giants standing a mile away. Flames were thrown at an area obscured by trees. This is Aurora, isn't it? I guessed it was since it was the first of two places to be torched. The giants torched side to side then back and forth, then the trees obscuring the area caught fire. The camera operator turned around and ran without hesitation.
Another video was taken near the Burlington Skyway Bridge. Two giants knocked the bridge down from north to south. My gut clenched watching cars fall into the water below.
As terrifying these videos were, it was interesting to see the beginning of the attacks this close. The news mostly only played footage taken from news helicopters and the same bits of footage over and over. Many of the videos I had seen on the internet so far were videos I hadn't seen yet.
I looked up videos of the attack on Central Manhattan.
One video was taken from a window somewhere to the east of the Empire State Building. One of those horrifying giants seamlessly smashed its way through the skyscrapers, leaving expanding plumes of smoke behind. Once it reached the Empire State, it focused a ton on smashing it to the ground. A plume of smoke rose up against the oncoming plumes of smoke created by the destruction of the nearby buildings.
I had seen many things like this over my journey throughout the different realities, but this just seemed too familiar to me. Nothing about this reality was different until the attacks began. Not even some detection of the Godzilla-like giants beforehand. I'm in this reality where these attacks are happening and I can't escape. I sank in a pit of dread as that dawned on me. I had to deal with the craziness of the I was in. I needed to learn as much about the attacks as possible.
I looked up a more recent attack. The one in Bradford parallel me mentioned. I found multiple videos of it. The first video I watched showed a giant leveling a two story facility as people ran by and screamed. It was sad to see a place I was so familiar with be destroyed. The second video was shaky camera footage of two giants leveling some other facility, also with people running by and screaming. One was crying. The third video was helicopter footage of four giants smashing and attacking the town. Carving up the southeastern and northern areas. As sad as I felt, I noticed they didn't attack the part of town I lived in.
Wasn't that attack supposed to kill me? Or was it just supposed to scare me? Either way, I wasn't there to witness it. Of course, I could've been killed in a part of the town that was destroyed. Maybe my parallel self was playing coin toss. Either I live or die. Either way, he'd be benefited by the fact I would be fearing for my life in the event I'd survive. Then he visited me where I was miles away, after the attack on the town. He brought his cronies with him. The evil alternate versions of two people I knew of and liked very much. I'm still not comfortable specifying who.
As I continued my watch through the footage, I found some videos of the creature dump on the place I was just in. Watching the giants pour the creatures onto the city… the creatures running all over the place… down roads… across the roofs of buildings… through parks… just chill inducing and gut wrenching. I couldn't get through one whole video. Flashbacks of escaping that thing just kept popping up in my head as I watched.
I looked up some discussion threads about the attacks. Of course, everyone expressed how they didn't know what they would wake up to the next day, how they didn't know where they would be safe… some speculated hiding out in the mountains or down in subways would be a safe bet to stay alive. The subway part of the discussion was shot down later on in the thread by one claiming the creature dumps would render that idea hopeless. Others said bomb shelters would work. I needed to know if there were any bomb shelters around. Probably useless though, as the government probably wouldn't just let anybody in. The closest mountain that could keep anyone safe would be 4 hours away. There was another comment though, one that brought up Iran and Belgium being wiped off the map entirely by dozens of miles wide giants, and they suggested any country could be next to be destroyed by giants that size. The middle of the ocean would be a safer bet.
What about Lake Ontario? The eastern half of it. It's not an ocean but it's a pretty big body of water. As long as I don't go near any shoreside cities I'll be good. I ran over to William and asked him if he had a boat. I explained to him eastern Lake Ontario may be too big a body of water for the giants to care about. Unfortunately, he, nor Jason, nor anybody they knew had a boat. At least I had some relief for a moment. I fell back into the pit of dread and walked back to the spare bed.
As I browsed through Reddit, I came across a post about a rare angle of the attacks. The video was taken from a live stream that was held in a suburban area not too far away from where the giants were standing. Chills overtook me, seeing the giants again. They were holding their giant bags of creatures. The streamer said he didn't know what the giants were holding, then the giants tilted their bags and the thousands of creatures came raining down. My gut clenched hard. The last words of the streamer were what one would expect, but they chilled me due to the context.
"What the hell? No… god… please…"
He turned around and sprinted down the road. He aimed the camera up at the incoming creatures. They blocked the view of the sun and everything was darkened by shade. The streamer aimed the camera back out in front of him. You could see the sky on the horizon, but then a wall of blackness obscured it. My gut began to ache. The streamer fell to the ground and screamed. Nothing could be seen. Loud thuds were heard, then the stream ended. Then the video ended.
The people in the comments were freaked out. Many of them mentioned the chills they got watching the video. One comment thread went like this:
"I can't imagine standing there. Thinking you'll live, then just seeing that and KNOWING with great certainty you're about to die. Chilling. This is probably the most up close video I've found of this."
"I know more videos will surface, especially because the attacks are still going on right now, but this video will be something that always sticks with me"
(I pressed the link and it took me to a YouTube video showing a livestreamer in an office. She tells her viewers she's in the Empire State Building. She aims her camera out the window towards Central Park.
"It's 1 PM right now and…" A giant pops up in the middle of Central Park. I jumped while watching it. Chills ran straight down my spine. "What the hell is that?" The giant walked south, smashing through the buildings along Park Lane. It knocked down the world's skinniest skyscraper, then it smashed its way through some more buildings, including the Museum of Modern Art.
"Oh my god," the streamer says with a shaky weak voice.
She puts the camera down and you could hear quick footsteps and the creak of a door being swung open. The giant continues its straight faced rage through Central Manhattan, smashing down the Rockefeller buildings, the East Times Square buildings and battering Times Square in dust and smoke, then it stumbles a couple blocks to the east. A man over the intercom tells everybody to evacuate immediately.
The giant smashes the low rise buildings two blocks away, the low rise buildings one block away, then the room shakes. Loud crashes echo from below, along with light crashes somewhere behind the camera. Then the office light goes out. It looks as if the giant is rising, but then you can see its triangles, then the sky. The section of the building the room was in was falling. The camera started spinning, then the livestream ended. Then so did the video.)
"Absolutely terrifying. Imagine that being the last thing you see… this stuff going on right now is probably the worst, most insane stuff to happen in a long time. You should see the video where people are hiding in a room from the literal Lovecraft-like wild creatures.
Edit: here" (I opened this link and it took me to a YouTube video showing three people, including the camera operator, in a small toll booth room. The two others, one woman with blond hair who looked to be in her 30s and an adrogynous looking person with black hair who looked to be in his 20s, were both shaking, glancing between each other and the camera operator, then there was a loud bang at the door. Adrenaline rushed through me, hoping those people could be rescued. The camera was aimed at the door, which had multiple cracks in it. There was another bang. The door shook and the cracks got longer. One of the two people on the left began to cry. With yet another bang, pieces of the door flew across the room. The door itself began to loosen off its hinges. Then with one more bang, the bottom half of the door was pushed in by a round dark gray beast with about 10 long tentacle-like appendages. It was so uncanny looking, adrenaline shot up through me. My eyes were wide open watching it. It ran up to the camera operator, who moved to his right then backed up. The creature climbed up on him. He struggled, then the camera fell face first on the ground. Nothing could be seen, but loud painful screaming, growling, and a couple wet crunches could be heard.
Further down the thread was something even more terrifying but interesting.
I wonder why we haven't seen any videos of creatures attacking people
Those videos are probably very NSFW. They likely haven't made it past content filters.
Some pictures were posted to MorbidReality and somebody found a video of a creature attacking somebody's back and legs. If you can't take that kind of stuff do not look at it. It's very gruesome.
There's some on Archive.org, along with many other videos I haven't seen anywhere else. Here's a link to an archive somebody is making.
I opened the link. I was taken to the page with the archive. The first video was titled Footage From Upper Canada Mall. It began on the roof of the mall. All that was heard were sirens and the sounds of helicopters. The camera operator aimed up at two giants being circled by two military helicopters. The giants appeared to be holding people. The giant on the right was holding two people who I can only describe as looking like a man and a woman, while the giant on the left was holding a woman. The giant on the right tossed the woman. She glided through the air. She hit the roof of the mall with a loud bang and turned into a red mist. I gagged and twitched. The camera operator kept the camera still. He had to have been in shock. He panned to the left a bit and caught the man landing on the roof of the mall with a loud thud while also turning into a red mist. I gagged again. What the hell? The camera was aimed up at the giant on the left, who was getting ready to throw the person it was holding. It tossed them towards the roof of the mall. They too landed with a loud bang while turning into a red mist.
That was something I never thought I'd ever see. People exploding into a bloody mist like they were nothing. Or just bags of blood. That's not something anyone should ever have to see. I'm glad that stuff won't make it past content filters. Hopefully, nobody who doesn't want to see that will ever see that ever. It's okay to be morbidly curious, and yes, it's historically significant, but I hope people are careful with footage like this.
The next video was titled "Seattle Explosion" and began on a freeway in what seemed to be the late afternoon. A man off camera said he was driving towards Seattle. He said he was driving down highways and filming in case he catches anything historic, and added that all his friends are doing the same in various parts of the US such as Houston, Texas. I was beginning to think about skipping this one due to anxiety. I didn't want to see people explode, but I assured myself it wasn't filmed close enough to capture such things. A minute into the video, the Seattle skyline could be seen in the distance. Seconds later, balls of yellow and orange erupted from every building.
These giants sure are making it a point to scare everybody. Dumping deadly creatures, torching entire areas, EMP Bubbles, Godzilla-like smashing, and now blowing up entire cities.
I don't know which one of those is going to happen to me.
What the hell do they want?
I'm afraid of having my guts sucked out by a creature
I'm afraid of being caught up in a torching
I'm afraid of being gassed
I'm afraid of being crushed to death
I'm afraid of being in an exploding city
I'm afraid of being tossed to the ground from high up in the air
Where are they going to hit next? Where are they going to hit next? Where are they going to hit next?
Where do I go?
I was hyperventilating for a couple minutes there. I paused the video and attempted to not judge my thoughts or feelings, then I wrote the above to acknowledge my feelings. Now I'm really starting to understand why people write sad songs about depression and anxiety. More so than I already did.
I looked at some of the titles of the next few videos in the archive. I hesitated to watch them, but I'll list the titles I read for curiosity's sake.
"SEATTLE EXPLOSION - East angle"
"Naypyidaw attack"
"Manila attack"
"Manila attack from north"
"Bradford attack from helicopter"
"Bradford attack angle 7"
(Six more Bradford attack videos, two of which are probably the ones I've already seen)
(Ottawa attack videos #27 to #2)
"Ottawa attack angle 1 - filmed by a Canadian Minister"
"Aftermath of Creature Dump in Niagara Region, Canada"
Out of curiosity, I decided to watch that last one I listed. It started in the backroom filled with boxes. The camera operator walked out of the room, into a smashed up restaurant. The front windows were shattered, tables and chairs were strewn everywhere. The camera was aimed to the right. Two bodies covered in blood were laying in the corner. It was unsettling to see. The camera was aimed back towards the windows. The operator moved up to them. A body was laying under an outdoor table.
After exiting the shop, the camera operator took a right and walked down the sidewalk. As he walked, he briefly looked inside different stores and multiple cars, all of which had shattered windows and thrashed items. No cars drove by. Not even police, fire department, or paramedics. No people were around at all. My breaths became shallow as I anticipated the worst. Something like a creature popping out of nowhere or another body.
A couple more blocks down the road, sirens began blaring in the distance. The camera operator walked by a store that had music playing from inside. It was something I hadn't thought of. Music that was being played as background noise was still being played through all the death and roaming creatures. They stepped through the shattered window, and as they walked to the center of the room, the music got clearer. It was a slow piano ballad about a woman telling her lover to go easy on her. It was weird hearing the song play in a smashed up deserted room with the world crumbling all around right outside. The words made it sound eerie in the context it was playing right in the middle of. As the song played, the camera operator moved broken table pieces out of their way and dug through some piles of table debris along the cracked wall on his left.
What is he looking for?
As the camera operator continued looking under knocked over tables, he began to sniffle. The song changed to a sad pop song with a high pitched piano melody. I knew the song. It was eerie too. It was about a breakup, but the lyrics about taking a metaphorical final bow echoed what I was feeling. The end of civilization, or at least the end of the civilization I was used to. I was getting very settled into this reality.
The camera operator walked to the back wall and looked around at the wreckage again. An ambulance drove by outside. The camera operator walked into the bathroom. It was reduced to rubble. Stalls ripped apart, toilets shattered, most of the mirrors were cracked… and blood was smeared across the wall near the back. The camera operator stood in one spot for a couple of moments before turning around and stepping out the door and back into the restaurant. They took some steps through the restaurant, then they aimed the camera at the ceiling. Then at the picture frames. One of them was lying on its face. Another one of them was tilted and ripped in half. Some happened to be in good shape.
After the tour of each of the paintings, the camera operator started rummaging the debris on the left side of the restaurant. As he did so, the next song began. This one was upbeat, juxtaposing the context it was playing in. It kinda creeped me out. It was supposed to be played for people's enjoyment, but nobody was enjoying anything. At least the lyrics were about persisting through absolutely anything. I guess that kinda fit, but things were too dark to think straight. The camera operator stopped rummaging about halfway to the back of the restaurant and stared on at the rubble that he would be digging through next. He zoomed in on what was clearly a shoe being worn by somebody unmoving under the rubble. He zoomed back out, turned around, and walked to the front of the restaurant.
As they looked at the buildings across the road, a creature crawled into view from the right, climbing above each window before climbing in through the window of a bike store. The camera operator moved back a bit. A minute later, a military jeep pulled up in front of the building the creature climbed into. Three soldiers climbed out and entered the store through its shattered front window.
As the camera operator zoomed in on the building, the next song began to play. It began with a whistle melody then led into lyrics about not being worried. Another upbeat song that juxtaposed the seriousness of the situation, which unsettled me more so. Inaudible shouting echoed from inside the building. Gunshots followed. A moment later, two of the soldiers stepped out of the building, uniforms stained with blood. They stood around, talking into their radios. Then the video ended. A couple seconds of the next video, titled Incoming Creatures, played before I paused it. That video began on an elevated platform near a forest. I was done watching videos of the attacks, so I wasn't going to stick around for more.
I checked the time. 10:58 PM. I slid the phone into my pocket and walked out into the livingroom to see what the others were up to. They were discussing what the giants may want while the news played on the TV. A woman was talking about the destruction of Town Zero… Sharon. Footage was played of a colossal giant popping up just north of the town, then with two swoops, the giant smashed the town to dust and rubble. My heart sank. We're getting colossal giants here too? I mean, of course we are. They're not just going to reserve certain things for certain areas. Clearly they will attack just about anywhere, right?
William asked me to help him get something from the shed out back. I told him I'll go out and wait for him there. I got my shoes on and stepped outside into the warm dark night. There was an eerie calmness to it. Like nature hadn't been going nearly as insane as we humans have. I stepped around back and spotted the shed. As I stepped towards it, two colossal silhouettes formed in the sky some distance away. They contrasted the light polluted light orange glow. I don't want to under describe how massive they were. Not tall enough to reach above the clouds, but tall enough to make my chest drop to the point I thought I was about to have a heart attack. They moved in my direction, their silhouettes growing, obscuring the light orange glow of the sky.
Why here? Who's here that they want? Unless it really is me. They aren't going for some random people I don't know. This is an alternate reality in which they're coming after me. But that theory seemed to small minded. I wasn't possibly going to be in multiple places in the US, China, North Korea, Belgium… maybe they're also going for my relatives… but I don't know anybody who would ever be in North Korea of all places.
I thought about it as I sprinted for my life over the fence into the neighbors yard, then over the next fence, then over the next… I kept hopping fences until I made it to the corner of the town. It was just a field. Thumps shook the ground. Car alarms began going off. I fell to my knees due to the heavy vibration. I avoided looking to my left, at the giants' massive silhouettes. I stared at the ground and hoped for the best with the worst pit of dread I ever felt.
Loud booms and crashes blew out my ear drums. I never heard loud sounds like those so up close. I covered my ears, but the piercing sounds still hurt. The smashing lasted a couple minutes, getting quieter and quieter as the giants moved further away from me. My curiosity got the best of me and I glanced at the giants. They had to have been 500 meters tall or something. For some reason, not being able to see them was more dread inducing than being able to see them. A cloud of dust hit my face. I coughed like a motherfucker and walked forward, finding my way out of the choking smoke.
William and Jason…
I looked in the direction of Jason's house. It was too dark to see anything but some fires a couple houses away. Whatever was left of those houses anyway. The giants were still smashing their way through the town when I heard a fast plane. I looked up and saw a light flying towards the giants.
Fighter jets? Missiles?
The missile struck the giant in its midsection and exploded in a ball of fire. The giant continued smashing. It didn't move differently after the hit. It continued eliminating the town. Another explosion occurred near the head of the other giant and it was the same outcome. The attack continued on for another minute, with more explosions that didn't faze the giants. Maybe the missiles made a mark. It was too dark to see those marks if so. Finally, the crashes and booms stopped. The giants stood in one spot, not moving at all, then they vanished into thin air.
That was seriously screwed up. I almost died. I want out of this. Who in the multiverse would wish this on their worst enemy? The idea of possibly being crushed, gassed, blown up, thrown to your death… I walked back to Jason's house. It only took a couple of minutes. When I got back there, it was a pile of wood, broken up walls, unrecognizable rooms, scattered roof tiles, and bricks. I hurried around to the front. When I saw Jason's arm crushed under a pile of bricks and wires, I almost gagged. I looked away and stepped to where the front door was. William's hand laid beside a growing fire.
Where am I supposed to go? I'm a refugee now. I should check the news. Any news outlet that hasn't had its data center destroyed. I haven't heard of that happening but it has to have happened by now.
I pulled out my phone and opened CNN.
"THE GIANTS CONTINUE TO BERATE THEIR ROOTS"
"Ontario, Canada is ground zero for the attacks. Everyone is still wondering why"
"WATCH: See Seattle explode in a ball of fire"
"The black chemical agent sprayed on multiple American towns and Chinese cities may not be of this world"
"Bomb shelters, caves… even sewers. Americans are desperate for safety, but some Americans claim all they need to do is stay armed and ready"
MILITARY: "Civilians shouldn't push their luck thinking standard rifles are enough to defend against Giants"
"Security camera footage shows Manila attack"
"Ukraine is free, but for how long?"
""I'm tired of living through history" The attacks from Gen Z's perspective"
It was always interesting to go into an alternate reality and look at the top news headlines. This time though… it's very serious, as I'm a full on victim of the wild stuff that's going on in the alternate reality. I sat down and read all the news articles I could. I read all the Reddit threads about every major development in this whole event. I also felt it was important enough to go back to that archive on Archive.org and download all the footage posted there for archival, especially in the case I ever made it out of here. There was a ton of interesting things I saw in the various realities I traveled to over the years. If I get the device back, I can go back and download some footage from those realities. I could become an archivist or something. But it hit me that I was more likely to die than fulfill any dream I ever had.
At around 1 AM, I heard my name being called by a familiar deep voice.
"You were supposed to die!" he said. "How are you still alive!?"
"I saw them pop out of nowhere… so I ran like hell."
"Well now we're going to have to take you somewhere else."
"Why not shoot me?" I asked, frustrated. "Why not end my life right now?"
"True Nicole said you needed to be weighed down by the stuff going on in this reality," he said, resting his hand on his hip. "Either you are scared of the giants or you are killed by the giants."
I stood up, slid my phone into my pocket, and walked away. I didn't think I was going to make it far without confrontation. A couple homes down, a pain hit my neck. Before I could process it, I woke up in the trunk of a car. All I could hear was the news. All I could feel was the car bumping up and down. All I could see, other than the interior of the trunk of course, was a light morning sky. One right before the sun rose above the horizon.
"...still no word from British officials after the attacks on London and Cheltenham, England. Reports of giants being present in London and Cheltenham came out just after 4 this morning. The number of casualties is unknown, and the British Prime Minister is still missing…"
"She's awake."
"What's up fake Nicole?"
"Where are we?" I asked.
"Williamsport, Pennsylvania," alternate me said. "We're going to Washington DC."
"How do you know anything is going to happen there?"
"She never said anything would," Ian said.
"You said I was supposed to die," I said. "You knew the giants were going to strike the place I was in."
"I traveled to a reality where it was this timeline, but one month after the attacks began," alternate me said. "Then I copied a list of everything that happened in these attacks. I know what happens next."
I froze. They really did have this planned out, didn't they…
"Now, I want you to stop talking," alternate me said. "Don't breathe too loudly either. Also, if we catch you calling for help, I will stop on the side of the road, Ian will inject you with fire ants and Billy will inject you with steroids."
"To keep you awake and energized so you feel the pain more intensely and for a longer amount of time," she said.
"Yes," alternate me said. "And you can still go on the internet if you want."
I stared up at the blue morning sky, strangled by dread. I realized I had cold sweats all over me. I pulled out my phone and Googled some more Reddit threads. 20 minutes into reading comments, the news channel on the radio switched to a Pop music station. At first, I assumed alternate me changed the station, but when I went back to the Giant Attacks search results, they had all changed to results about some unrelated game.
My hopes went up. Could it be? A slip? I was ready to believe it, even if it was mostly to ease my anxiety. I went to CNN's website. To my relief, the headlines were about… normal topics. [Top news headlines on the day I post this story]
I don't know how long I'll be back in our reality. If I even am back here… I guess you will know if you see this update.
Alternate me is swearing. I think she caught on to what happened… Now she's turning the car around. I'll update again when I'm back.
submitted by SouthParkiscool to nosleep [link] [comments]
I fell backwards through the portal, landing on the ground back in the reality of hell. The dread spiked as I got back up on my feet. I thought the two blond maniacs would follow me back in, but they didn't. The portal closed, offering me a view of somebody crying over the phone on their porch across the street. Did they notice the flash of light? They're probably too caught up in their own business. The attacks being as gruesome as they are, I'm surprised I haven't died yet.
I stepped back into the house and closed the door behind me. William and Jason sit on the couch, faces pale and mouths hanging open as they watched helicopter footage of wild tentacle creatures running down streets and tackling people. A tighter dread overtook me.
Was this really it for me? Was I going to die here because my parallel self thought revenge would somehow fix things? Do I think that way? No, I don't. If she thought nobody should feel trapped, she wouldn't have been okay with making me feel trapped. I guess that's because he only cares when she's the one feeling trapped. People are human to her until they do something she doesn't like, then she lowers her standards and treats them like animals… Somehow that's supposed to make peace. It doesn't.
I asked Jason if there was a room I could stay in. I was given a spare bedroom down the hallway. Once I found it, I layed down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, hoping I'd be alive for more than another 24 hours. Any moment, some creature was probably going to crash through the window or something, or a giant monstrosity was going to smash the house to the ground. I had never been more afraid of death in my life.
About 20 minutes later, I decided I had to distract myself from all the mayhem and fear in any way possible. I pulled out William's spare phone and Googled various things I was interested in. I assumed TikTok would be filled with video clips of the attacks, so I wasn't downloading that. I watched some YouTube videos though. My adrenaline decreased, but I knew that if I ran out of things to enjoy, I would get bored and the adrenaline would shoot back up.
I'm not sure I'd say putting autoplay on was a mistake. It kinda was, but it kinda led to something interesting for me. The third video to play automatically was a video of a news report from the day the attacks began.
It started with Ontario politicians answering questions from reporters, then the Breaking News animation flashed across the screen. A video taken in Sharon, Ontario showed one of the giants moving down a street, smashing houses along its way. The uncanny look of the thing and how it moved sent chills down my spine. I tapped the screen. The title appeared on the screen.
"First news reports of the giant attacks - Full news broadcast 11 AM to 12:30 PM"
This was the very first attack. Interesting. Morbid curiosity overtook me. The attacks were historical, and if I was going to die here, why not know more about what's going to kill me.
I kept watching. Video footage taken from the Newmarket Community Center was played. It showed two giants smashing buildings down Main Street. The white church blew up, with debris flying all around. The buildings to the south were also reduced to rubble and dust. It was saddening to watch. As the giants began smashing buildings beside the Community Center, the camera operator let out a shaky "Oh my god" then backed away. They aimed to their left. A dozen of the bystanders were slowly turning away. As if they wanted to run but were too curious. A couple of them ran. A few other people from up the street ran by with pale faces. After the giants had passed by and smashed the buildings further to the south, some people in the crowd began to have a conversation.
"What is going on today…? why is this happening…?"
"We don't know why they're doing this… have they been reported elsewhere?"
"I checked the news five minutes ago. Nothing."
"I'm checking it again… nothing"
"I just checked CP-2-4 and they have footage of one in East Gwillimbury"
As they're talking, the giants smash the churches to the south, then they knock down the grey apartment building. Explosions can be seen inside as it crumbles and a plume of smoke rises up.
The next video I watched was of the two giants knocking the apartment building down but from an angle to the south based on what I knew about the location.
The next video began with the camera pointed to the ground. The camera was aimed up and a bit shaky. The camera was aimed at two giants standing a mile away. Flames were thrown at an area obscured by trees. This is Aurora, isn't it? I guessed it was since it was the first of two places to be torched. The giants torched side to side then back and forth, then the trees obscuring the area caught fire. The camera operator turned around and ran without hesitation.
Another video was taken near the Burlington Skyway Bridge. Two giants knocked the bridge down from north to south. My gut clenched watching cars fall into the water below.
As terrifying these videos were, it was interesting to see the beginning of the attacks this close. The news mostly only played footage taken from news helicopters and the same bits of footage over and over. Many of the videos I had seen on the internet so far were videos I hadn't seen yet.
I looked up videos of the attack on Central Manhattan.
One video was taken from a window somewhere to the east of the Empire State Building. One of those horrifying giants seamlessly smashed its way through the skyscrapers, leaving expanding plumes of smoke behind. Once it reached the Empire State, it focused a ton on smashing it to the ground. A plume of smoke rose up against the oncoming plumes of smoke created by the destruction of the nearby buildings.
I had seen many things like this over my journey throughout the different realities, but this just seemed too familiar to me. Nothing about this reality was different until the attacks began. Not even some detection of the Godzilla-like giants beforehand. I'm in this reality where these attacks are happening and I can't escape. I sank in a pit of dread as that dawned on me. I had to deal with the craziness of the I was in. I needed to learn as much about the attacks as possible.
I looked up a more recent attack. The one in Bradford parallel me mentioned. I found multiple videos of it. The first video I watched showed a giant leveling a two story facility as people ran by and screamed. It was sad to see a place I was so familiar with be destroyed. The second video was shaky camera footage of two giants leveling some other facility, also with people running by and screaming. One was crying. The third video was helicopter footage of four giants smashing and attacking the town. Carving up the southeastern and northern areas. As sad as I felt, I noticed they didn't attack the part of town I lived in.
Wasn't that attack supposed to kill me? Or was it just supposed to scare me? Either way, I wasn't there to witness it. Of course, I could've been killed in a part of the town that was destroyed. Maybe my parallel self was playing coin toss. Either I live or die. Either way, he'd be benefited by the fact I would be fearing for my life in the event I'd survive. Then he visited me where I was miles away, after the attack on the town. He brought his cronies with him. The evil alternate versions of two people I knew of and liked very much. I'm still not comfortable specifying who.
As I continued my watch through the footage, I found some videos of the creature dump on the place I was just in. Watching the giants pour the creatures onto the city… the creatures running all over the place… down roads… across the roofs of buildings… through parks… just chill inducing and gut wrenching. I couldn't get through one whole video. Flashbacks of escaping that thing just kept popping up in my head as I watched.
I looked up some discussion threads about the attacks. Of course, everyone expressed how they didn't know what they would wake up to the next day, how they didn't know where they would be safe… some speculated hiding out in the mountains or down in subways would be a safe bet to stay alive. The subway part of the discussion was shot down later on in the thread by one claiming the creature dumps would render that idea hopeless. Others said bomb shelters would work. I needed to know if there were any bomb shelters around. Probably useless though, as the government probably wouldn't just let anybody in. The closest mountain that could keep anyone safe would be 4 hours away. There was another comment though, one that brought up Iran and Belgium being wiped off the map entirely by dozens of miles wide giants, and they suggested any country could be next to be destroyed by giants that size. The middle of the ocean would be a safer bet.
What about Lake Ontario? The eastern half of it. It's not an ocean but it's a pretty big body of water. As long as I don't go near any shoreside cities I'll be good. I ran over to William and asked him if he had a boat. I explained to him eastern Lake Ontario may be too big a body of water for the giants to care about. Unfortunately, he, nor Jason, nor anybody they knew had a boat. At least I had some relief for a moment. I fell back into the pit of dread and walked back to the spare bed.
As I browsed through Reddit, I came across a post about a rare angle of the attacks. The video was taken from a live stream that was held in a suburban area not too far away from where the giants were standing. Chills overtook me, seeing the giants again. They were holding their giant bags of creatures. The streamer said he didn't know what the giants were holding, then the giants tilted their bags and the thousands of creatures came raining down. My gut clenched hard. The last words of the streamer were what one would expect, but they chilled me due to the context.
"What the hell? No… god… please…"
He turned around and sprinted down the road. He aimed the camera up at the incoming creatures. They blocked the view of the sun and everything was darkened by shade. The streamer aimed the camera back out in front of him. You could see the sky on the horizon, but then a wall of blackness obscured it. My gut began to ache. The streamer fell to the ground and screamed. Nothing could be seen. Loud thuds were heard, then the stream ended. Then the video ended.
The people in the comments were freaked out. Many of them mentioned the chills they got watching the video. One comment thread went like this:
"I can't imagine standing there. Thinking you'll live, then just seeing that and KNOWING with great certainty you're about to die. Chilling. This is probably the most up close video I've found of this."
"I know more videos will surface, especially because the attacks are still going on right now, but this video will be something that always sticks with me"
(I pressed the link and it took me to a YouTube video showing a livestreamer in an office. She tells her viewers she's in the Empire State Building. She aims her camera out the window towards Central Park.
"It's 1 PM right now and…" A giant pops up in the middle of Central Park. I jumped while watching it. Chills ran straight down my spine. "What the hell is that?" The giant walked south, smashing through the buildings along Park Lane. It knocked down the world's skinniest skyscraper, then it smashed its way through some more buildings, including the Museum of Modern Art.
"Oh my god," the streamer says with a shaky weak voice.
She puts the camera down and you could hear quick footsteps and the creak of a door being swung open. The giant continues its straight faced rage through Central Manhattan, smashing down the Rockefeller buildings, the East Times Square buildings and battering Times Square in dust and smoke, then it stumbles a couple blocks to the east. A man over the intercom tells everybody to evacuate immediately.
The giant smashes the low rise buildings two blocks away, the low rise buildings one block away, then the room shakes. Loud crashes echo from below, along with light crashes somewhere behind the camera. Then the office light goes out. It looks as if the giant is rising, but then you can see its triangles, then the sky. The section of the building the room was in was falling. The camera started spinning, then the livestream ended. Then so did the video.)
"Absolutely terrifying. Imagine that being the last thing you see… this stuff going on right now is probably the worst, most insane stuff to happen in a long time. You should see the video where people are hiding in a room from the literal Lovecraft-like wild creatures.
Edit: here" (I opened this link and it took me to a YouTube video showing three people, including the camera operator, in a small toll booth room. The two others, one woman with blond hair who looked to be in her 30s and an adrogynous looking person with black hair who looked to be in his 20s, were both shaking, glancing between each other and the camera operator, then there was a loud bang at the door. Adrenaline rushed through me, hoping those people could be rescued. The camera was aimed at the door, which had multiple cracks in it. There was another bang. The door shook and the cracks got longer. One of the two people on the left began to cry. With yet another bang, pieces of the door flew across the room. The door itself began to loosen off its hinges. Then with one more bang, the bottom half of the door was pushed in by a round dark gray beast with about 10 long tentacle-like appendages. It was so uncanny looking, adrenaline shot up through me. My eyes were wide open watching it. It ran up to the camera operator, who moved to his right then backed up. The creature climbed up on him. He struggled, then the camera fell face first on the ground. Nothing could be seen, but loud painful screaming, growling, and a couple wet crunches could be heard.
Further down the thread was something even more terrifying but interesting.
I wonder why we haven't seen any videos of creatures attacking people
Those videos are probably very NSFW. They likely haven't made it past content filters.
Some pictures were posted to MorbidReality and somebody found a video of a creature attacking somebody's back and legs. If you can't take that kind of stuff do not look at it. It's very gruesome.
There's some on Archive.org, along with many other videos I haven't seen anywhere else. Here's a link to an archive somebody is making.
I opened the link. I was taken to the page with the archive. The first video was titled Footage From Upper Canada Mall. It began on the roof of the mall. All that was heard were sirens and the sounds of helicopters. The camera operator aimed up at two giants being circled by two military helicopters. The giants appeared to be holding people. The giant on the right was holding two people who I can only describe as looking like a man and a woman, while the giant on the left was holding a woman. The giant on the right tossed the woman. She glided through the air. She hit the roof of the mall with a loud bang and turned into a red mist. I gagged and twitched. The camera operator kept the camera still. He had to have been in shock. He panned to the left a bit and caught the man landing on the roof of the mall with a loud thud while also turning into a red mist. I gagged again. What the hell? The camera was aimed up at the giant on the left, who was getting ready to throw the person it was holding. It tossed them towards the roof of the mall. They too landed with a loud bang while turning into a red mist.
That was something I never thought I'd ever see. People exploding into a bloody mist like they were nothing. Or just bags of blood. That's not something anyone should ever have to see. I'm glad that stuff won't make it past content filters. Hopefully, nobody who doesn't want to see that will ever see that ever. It's okay to be morbidly curious, and yes, it's historically significant, but I hope people are careful with footage like this.
The next video was titled "Seattle Explosion" and began on a freeway in what seemed to be the late afternoon. A man off camera said he was driving towards Seattle. He said he was driving down highways and filming in case he catches anything historic, and added that all his friends are doing the same in various parts of the US such as Houston, Texas. I was beginning to think about skipping this one due to anxiety. I didn't want to see people explode, but I assured myself it wasn't filmed close enough to capture such things. A minute into the video, the Seattle skyline could be seen in the distance. Seconds later, balls of yellow and orange erupted from every building.
These giants sure are making it a point to scare everybody. Dumping deadly creatures, torching entire areas, EMP Bubbles, Godzilla-like smashing, and now blowing up entire cities.
I don't know which one of those is going to happen to me.
What the hell do they want?
I'm afraid of having my guts sucked out by a creature
I'm afraid of being caught up in a torching
I'm afraid of being gassed
I'm afraid of being crushed to death
I'm afraid of being in an exploding city
I'm afraid of being tossed to the ground from high up in the air
Where are they going to hit next? Where are they going to hit next? Where are they going to hit next?
Where do I go?
I was hyperventilating for a couple minutes there. I paused the video and attempted to not judge my thoughts or feelings, then I wrote the above to acknowledge my feelings. Now I'm really starting to understand why people write sad songs about depression and anxiety. More so than I already did.
I looked at some of the titles of the next few videos in the archive. I hesitated to watch them, but I'll list the titles I read for curiosity's sake.
"SEATTLE EXPLOSION - East angle"
"Naypyidaw attack"
"Manila attack"
"Manila attack from north"
"Bradford attack from helicopter"
"Bradford attack angle 7"
(Six more Bradford attack videos, two of which are probably the ones I've already seen)
(Ottawa attack videos #27 to #2)
"Ottawa attack angle 1 - filmed by a Canadian Minister"
"Aftermath of Creature Dump in Niagara Region, Canada"
Out of curiosity, I decided to watch that last one I listed. It started in the backroom filled with boxes. The camera operator walked out of the room, into a smashed up restaurant. The front windows were shattered, tables and chairs were strewn everywhere. The camera was aimed to the right. Two bodies covered in blood were laying in the corner. It was unsettling to see. The camera was aimed back towards the windows. The operator moved up to them. A body was laying under an outdoor table.
After exiting the shop, the camera operator took a right and walked down the sidewalk. As he walked, he briefly looked inside different stores and multiple cars, all of which had shattered windows and thrashed items. No cars drove by. Not even police, fire department, or paramedics. No people were around at all. My breaths became shallow as I anticipated the worst. Something like a creature popping out of nowhere or another body.
A couple more blocks down the road, sirens began blaring in the distance. The camera operator walked by a store that had music playing from inside. It was something I hadn't thought of. Music that was being played as background noise was still being played through all the death and roaming creatures. They stepped through the shattered window, and as they walked to the center of the room, the music got clearer. It was a slow piano ballad about a woman telling her lover to go easy on her. It was weird hearing the song play in a smashed up deserted room with the world crumbling all around right outside. The words made it sound eerie in the context it was playing right in the middle of. As the song played, the camera operator moved broken table pieces out of their way and dug through some piles of table debris along the cracked wall on his left.
What is he looking for?
As the camera operator continued looking under knocked over tables, he began to sniffle. The song changed to a sad pop song with a high pitched piano melody. I knew the song. It was eerie too. It was about a breakup, but the lyrics about taking a metaphorical final bow echoed what I was feeling. The end of civilization, or at least the end of the civilization I was used to. I was getting very settled into this reality.
The camera operator walked to the back wall and looked around at the wreckage again. An ambulance drove by outside. The camera operator walked into the bathroom. It was reduced to rubble. Stalls ripped apart, toilets shattered, most of the mirrors were cracked… and blood was smeared across the wall near the back. The camera operator stood in one spot for a couple of moments before turning around and stepping out the door and back into the restaurant. They took some steps through the restaurant, then they aimed the camera at the ceiling. Then at the picture frames. One of them was lying on its face. Another one of them was tilted and ripped in half. Some happened to be in good shape.
After the tour of each of the paintings, the camera operator started rummaging the debris on the left side of the restaurant. As he did so, the next song began. This one was upbeat, juxtaposing the context it was playing in. It kinda creeped me out. It was supposed to be played for people's enjoyment, but nobody was enjoying anything. At least the lyrics were about persisting through absolutely anything. I guess that kinda fit, but things were too dark to think straight. The camera operator stopped rummaging about halfway to the back of the restaurant and stared on at the rubble that he would be digging through next. He zoomed in on what was clearly a shoe being worn by somebody unmoving under the rubble. He zoomed back out, turned around, and walked to the front of the restaurant.
As they looked at the buildings across the road, a creature crawled into view from the right, climbing above each window before climbing in through the window of a bike store. The camera operator moved back a bit. A minute later, a military jeep pulled up in front of the building the creature climbed into. Three soldiers climbed out and entered the store through its shattered front window.
As the camera operator zoomed in on the building, the next song began to play. It began with a whistle melody then led into lyrics about not being worried. Another upbeat song that juxtaposed the seriousness of the situation, which unsettled me more so. Inaudible shouting echoed from inside the building. Gunshots followed. A moment later, two of the soldiers stepped out of the building, uniforms stained with blood. They stood around, talking into their radios. Then the video ended. A couple seconds of the next video, titled Incoming Creatures, played before I paused it. That video began on an elevated platform near a forest. I was done watching videos of the attacks, so I wasn't going to stick around for more.
I checked the time. 10:58 PM. I slid the phone into my pocket and walked out into the livingroom to see what the others were up to. They were discussing what the giants may want while the news played on the TV. A woman was talking about the destruction of Town Zero… Sharon. Footage was played of a colossal giant popping up just north of the town, then with two swoops, the giant smashed the town to dust and rubble. My heart sank. We're getting colossal giants here too? I mean, of course we are. They're not just going to reserve certain things for certain areas. Clearly they will attack just about anywhere, right?
William asked me to help him get something from the shed out back. I told him I'll go out and wait for him there. I got my shoes on and stepped outside into the warm dark night. There was an eerie calmness to it. Like nature hadn't been going nearly as insane as we humans have. I stepped around back and spotted the shed. As I stepped towards it, two colossal silhouettes formed in the sky some distance away. They contrasted the light polluted light orange glow. I don't want to under describe how massive they were. Not tall enough to reach above the clouds, but tall enough to make my chest drop to the point I thought I was about to have a heart attack. They moved in my direction, their silhouettes growing, obscuring the light orange glow of the sky.
Why here? Who's here that they want? Unless it really is me. They aren't going for some random people I don't know. This is an alternate reality in which they're coming after me. But that theory seemed to small minded. I wasn't possibly going to be in multiple places in the US, China, North Korea, Belgium… maybe they're also going for my relatives… but I don't know anybody who would ever be in North Korea of all places.
I thought about it as I sprinted for my life over the fence into the neighbors yard, then over the next fence, then over the next… I kept hopping fences until I made it to the corner of the town. It was just a field. Thumps shook the ground. Car alarms began going off. I fell to my knees due to the heavy vibration. I avoided looking to my left, at the giants' massive silhouettes. I stared at the ground and hoped for the best with the worst pit of dread I ever felt.
Loud booms and crashes blew out my ear drums. I never heard loud sounds like those so up close. I covered my ears, but the piercing sounds still hurt. The smashing lasted a couple minutes, getting quieter and quieter as the giants moved further away from me. My curiosity got the best of me and I glanced at the giants. They had to have been 500 meters tall or something. For some reason, not being able to see them was more dread inducing than being able to see them. A cloud of dust hit my face. I coughed like a motherfucker and walked forward, finding my way out of the choking smoke.
William and Jason…
I looked in the direction of Jason's house. It was too dark to see anything but some fires a couple houses away. Whatever was left of those houses anyway. The giants were still smashing their way through the town when I heard a fast plane. I looked up and saw a light flying towards the giants.
Fighter jets? Missiles?
The missile struck the giant in its midsection and exploded in a ball of fire. The giant continued smashing. It didn't move differently after the hit. It continued eliminating the town. Another explosion occurred near the head of the other giant and it was the same outcome. The attack continued on for another minute, with more explosions that didn't faze the giants. Maybe the missiles made a mark. It was too dark to see those marks if so. Finally, the crashes and booms stopped. The giants stood in one spot, not moving at all, then they vanished into thin air.
That was seriously screwed up. I almost died. I want out of this. Who in the multiverse would wish this on their worst enemy? The idea of possibly being crushed, gassed, blown up, thrown to your death… I walked back to Jason's house. It only took a couple of minutes. When I got back there, it was a pile of wood, broken up walls, unrecognizable rooms, scattered roof tiles, and bricks. I hurried around to the front. When I saw Jason's arm crushed under a pile of bricks and wires, I almost gagged. I looked away and stepped to where the front door was. William's hand laid beside a growing fire.
Where am I supposed to go? I'm a refugee now. I should check the news. Any news outlet that hasn't had its data center destroyed. I haven't heard of that happening but it has to have happened by now.
I pulled out my phone and opened CNN.
"THE GIANTS CONTINUE TO BERATE THEIR ROOTS"
"Ontario, Canada is ground zero for the attacks. Everyone is still wondering why"
"WATCH: See Seattle explode in a ball of fire"
"The black chemical agent sprayed on multiple American towns and Chinese cities may not be of this world"
"Bomb shelters, caves… even sewers. Americans are desperate for safety, but some Americans claim all they need to do is stay armed and ready"
MILITARY: "Civilians shouldn't push their luck thinking standard rifles are enough to defend against Giants"
"Security camera footage shows Manila attack"
"Ukraine is free, but for how long?"
""I'm tired of living through history" The attacks from Gen Z's perspective"
It was always interesting to go into an alternate reality and look at the top news headlines. This time though… it's very serious, as I'm a full on victim of the wild stuff that's going on in the alternate reality. I sat down and read all the news articles I could. I read all the Reddit threads about every major development in this whole event. I also felt it was important enough to go back to that archive on Archive.org and download all the footage posted there for archival, especially in the case I ever made it out of here. There was a ton of interesting things I saw in the various realities I traveled to over the years. If I get the device back, I can go back and download some footage from those realities. I could become an archivist or something. But it hit me that I was more likely to die than fulfill any dream I ever had.
At around 1 AM, I heard my name being called by a familiar deep voice.
"You were supposed to die!" he said. "How are you still alive!?"
"I saw them pop out of nowhere… so I ran like hell."
"Well now we're going to have to take you somewhere else."
"Why not shoot me?" I asked, frustrated. "Why not end my life right now?"
"True Nicole said you needed to be weighed down by the stuff going on in this reality," he said, resting his hand on his hip. "Either you are scared of the giants or you are killed by the giants."
I stood up, slid my phone into my pocket, and walked away. I didn't think I was going to make it far without confrontation. A couple homes down, a pain hit my neck. Before I could process it, I woke up in the trunk of a car. All I could hear was the news. All I could feel was the car bumping up and down. All I could see, other than the interior of the trunk of course, was a light morning sky. One right before the sun rose above the horizon.
"...still no word from British officials after the attacks on London and Cheltenham, England. Reports of giants being present in London and Cheltenham came out just after 4 this morning. The number of casualties is unknown, and the British Prime Minister is still missing…"
"She's awake."
"What's up fake Nicole?"
"Where are we?" I asked.
"Williamsport, Pennsylvania," alternate me said. "We're going to Washington DC."
"How do you know anything is going to happen there?"
"She never said anything would," Ian said.
"You said I was supposed to die," I said. "You knew the giants were going to strike the place I was in."
"I traveled to a reality where it was this timeline, but one month after the attacks began," alternate me said. "Then I copied a list of everything that happened in these attacks. I know what happens next."
I froze. They really did have this planned out, didn't they…
"Now, I want you to stop talking," alternate me said. "Don't breathe too loudly either. Also, if we catch you calling for help, I will stop on the side of the road, Ian will inject you with fire ants and Billy will inject you with steroids."
"To keep you awake and energized so you feel the pain more intensely and for a longer amount of time," she said.
"Yes," alternate me said. "And you can still go on the internet if you want."
I stared up at the blue morning sky, strangled by dread. I realized I had cold sweats all over me. I pulled out my phone and Googled some more Reddit threads. 20 minutes into reading comments, the news channel on the radio switched to a Pop music station. At first, I assumed alternate me changed the station, but when I went back to the Giant Attacks search results, they had all changed to results about some unrelated game.
My hopes went up. Could it be? A slip? I was ready to believe it, even if it was mostly to ease my anxiety. I went to CNN's website. To my relief, the headlines were about… normal topics. [Top news headlines on the day I post this story]
I don't know how long I'll be back in our reality. If I even am back here… I guess you will know if you see this update.
Alternate me is swearing. I think she caught on to what happened… Now she's turning the car around. I'll update again when I'm back.
2023.03.20 21:49 rumplethump SpeedyPaper Review Reddit 2023: My Personal Experience
Short Overview
SpeedyPaper Reddit is a custom essay service that helps students with their academic assignments. The company was founded in 2014 and is owned by A Speedy Paper Company. They offer various writing services, including essays, research papers, dissertations, and more. The minimum deadline for an order is 6 hours, and the cost per page starts at $9. They provide 24/7 customer support through live chat, email, and phone. And now, let's start this SpeedyPaper review Reddit, and I will tell you more.
So, is it good for student help? The writer did an excellent job with my instructions and was able to deliver the paper within the deadline that I had requested. The paper was well-written and well-researched, and I was impressed by the level of detail and analysis the writer included. Overall, I was very happy with the quality of this academic writing service. As you can see, you can buy essay online from this site and expect high paper quality.
submitted by rumplethump to powerwritingsreviews [link] [comments]
SpeedyPaper Reddit is a custom essay service that helps students with their academic assignments. The company was founded in 2014 and is owned by A Speedy Paper Company. They offer various writing services, including essays, research papers, dissertations, and more. The minimum deadline for an order is 6 hours, and the cost per page starts at $9. They provide 24/7 customer support through live chat, email, and phone. And now, let's start this SpeedyPaper review Reddit, and I will tell you more.
Pros
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Cons
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My Experience
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Service Alternatives
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2023.03.20 21:42 Clear-Week-440 Anyone who lives/is currently in central coast in California, please read this
Or anyone who may be unsure of the treatment they deserve if going to the emergency room in a crisis. This is a throwaway account due to disclosing this level of location information - I’m not a weird random troll or anything and I’m active in this community on my main. I really care about this community so much and it has helped massively. Might delete this but feeling compelled to share right now. With that in mind:
Please, please, if you reside or are visiting the California central coast and you’re having a mental health crisis where you need to go to a hospital to get help and be safe, DO NOT GO to Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula (CHOMP). I can best describe what happened here by sharing the feedback I sent to the hospital in response to their “how was your stay?” follow-up email:
“I’m not attempting to be dramatic when I say that this was one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m writing this in efforts to be completely honest in hopes to advocate for anyone else who comes here in a similar state that I was in. I came here experiencing a non-violent mental health crisis needing help and, ideally, a little kindness. I spent two and a half days alone on a gurney in an empty room, mostly ignored and barely checked in with, not provided with anything to wash myself with, only given one small Dixie cup of water only when I asked for it, and given a portable toilet without providing toilet paper. The staff were either rude when explaining information or seemingly completely oblivious. Every time I asked for clarification I was told they would “check on it” and then 2-3 hours would pass without an answer. I understand that an ER is a very busy and often chaotic place by its nature, given the volume and spectrum of people who require urgent care. I am not delusional enough to expect a ritzy, cushioned time in an ER, but one would hope to expect the bare minimum. I would only consider providing feedback on my experience in a situation like this if it reached a level of extremes, which I believe is relevant here. In full disclosure, at the peak of my emotional distress I did shout at a staff member, which I immediately apologized for and deeply regret - but aside from a moment of verbally expressing despair over my treatment, I was not an aggressive patient. While my situation was due to a mental health crisis, I was 100% coherent enough to recognize the complete lack of warmth and competence. I have seen animals treated better than the way I was treated here.”
I read this to my therapist because I was feeling insecure about seeming spoiled or some shit because my self-worth is low enough to truly wonder. My therapist was deeply disturbed and said that knowing this, she will never ever suggest to any of her patients to go there. Idk, I know this sub has people from all over the place but on the off chance it applies to you, or if you’re insecure about the treatment and respect you rightfully deserve in a hospital setting, I wanted to share my experience. Literally go anywhere but this place. I would have been better off sitting in a gutter hyperventilating for two days rather than the experience I had here.
You deserve kindness and respect, always, no matter what. You matter. If you receive treatment like this, please know you deserve better. Sending love💚
submitted by Clear-Week-440 to CPTSD [link] [comments]
Please, please, if you reside or are visiting the California central coast and you’re having a mental health crisis where you need to go to a hospital to get help and be safe, DO NOT GO to Community Hospital of the Monterey Peninsula (CHOMP). I can best describe what happened here by sharing the feedback I sent to the hospital in response to their “how was your stay?” follow-up email:
“I’m not attempting to be dramatic when I say that this was one of the worst experiences of my life. I’m writing this in efforts to be completely honest in hopes to advocate for anyone else who comes here in a similar state that I was in. I came here experiencing a non-violent mental health crisis needing help and, ideally, a little kindness. I spent two and a half days alone on a gurney in an empty room, mostly ignored and barely checked in with, not provided with anything to wash myself with, only given one small Dixie cup of water only when I asked for it, and given a portable toilet without providing toilet paper. The staff were either rude when explaining information or seemingly completely oblivious. Every time I asked for clarification I was told they would “check on it” and then 2-3 hours would pass without an answer. I understand that an ER is a very busy and often chaotic place by its nature, given the volume and spectrum of people who require urgent care. I am not delusional enough to expect a ritzy, cushioned time in an ER, but one would hope to expect the bare minimum. I would only consider providing feedback on my experience in a situation like this if it reached a level of extremes, which I believe is relevant here. In full disclosure, at the peak of my emotional distress I did shout at a staff member, which I immediately apologized for and deeply regret - but aside from a moment of verbally expressing despair over my treatment, I was not an aggressive patient. While my situation was due to a mental health crisis, I was 100% coherent enough to recognize the complete lack of warmth and competence. I have seen animals treated better than the way I was treated here.”
I read this to my therapist because I was feeling insecure about seeming spoiled or some shit because my self-worth is low enough to truly wonder. My therapist was deeply disturbed and said that knowing this, she will never ever suggest to any of her patients to go there. Idk, I know this sub has people from all over the place but on the off chance it applies to you, or if you’re insecure about the treatment and respect you rightfully deserve in a hospital setting, I wanted to share my experience. Literally go anywhere but this place. I would have been better off sitting in a gutter hyperventilating for two days rather than the experience I had here.
You deserve kindness and respect, always, no matter what. You matter. If you receive treatment like this, please know you deserve better. Sending love💚
2023.03.20 21:38 lighttodarktolight My message to anyone who has deep regrets about gambling. (I’m a newer recovering gambling addict who has relapsed a few times but have learned more and maintained far greater control in my relapses and feel far fewer needs to gamble now, currently 2 months clean)
Your regrets? Be free of them all.
There was no other choice you were going to make in the past than the one you did. At the time, you thought it was the right choice and that's why you did it. Our minds can justify this after the fact as "right" or "wrong" but ultimately the body does what it does. It's fine to look at the past and analyze things objectively but do not beat yourself up over "what if I did or didn't do this" - life is infinitely random and complicated and for all you know it may have been even worse if you did or did not do something in your past. So do not overthink your past and instead...
Focus on the present.
Be grateful for everything in your life that is going okay. If you happen to live in a decent country or have a friend or family member who cares, be grateful. There is so much in our lives we take for granted. Your gambling addiction does not define you, it is just a part of you and there are so many other positive parts if you would just back up and observe.
Focus on the future.
No matter where you are in your recovery (or yet to begin recovery)… whether you’re deeply in debt and hiding it from family, or if you feel isolated and alone, or like you’re going to be a debt slave for years to pay this off…
Whatever your situation is, know that right now in the present, you have the ability to tackle those emotions you bury and manifest through impulses like gambling. You can address that deep sadness and negativity in your life through therapy and self reflection. It is not easy but it is possible to build new values that will impact the future version of you. Our values are like plants that grow slowly based on what we feed them with each day. If we can act courageous enough to try new actions we haven't before (and maintain them the best we can) then our new values and behaviors will act in our defense against impulses like gambling. In other words, we can reduce the chance of relapse by taking new actions and strengthening our values, today.
So do everything you can that you know you should be doing, today. Tell someone about your addiction in real life. Yes, it’s stressful to do this but it helped me immensely and I don’t think I could’ve made it this far and minimizing the negative impact of my gambling without telling someone and seeking support locally.
There is GA, online GA meetings that run 24/7, therapy, yes you know the rest but the point is: make the decision today to actually start watering those values you want to live by.
I want to live as free as possible and not controlled by shady companies like casinos. I want to not destroy my life more than I have so far because I recognize I have deep intrinsic value (we all do) and that I can benefit others and hopefully the world. I want to live in a better state of balance where I’m not in constant self induced panic because of gambling or similarly bad life choices.
All these values, I want to become so I can live a better life and I believe it is possible for anyone to decide for yourself your “why” and for you to overcome any addiction as long as you are courageous enough to take new actions you haven't before. It is not an overnight thing but it is so very possible.
Lastly, never get complacent if you’ve not gambled for a long time. I am always on guard with myself and relapses, while not expected may occur. Everything is a learning lesson and as long as you are growing and trying to be honest with yourself and giving it your all, you will see positive results. Yes it is a burden to be a recovering addict and have to deal with all this shit but you are stronger than you think.
You have it in you to not let this addiction define you but instead let it strengthen you into a more profound person who has faced inner demons and worked to overcome them, one battle at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Please reach out to someone, there is always someone willing to listen and who cares. I wish you the best.
submitted by lighttodarktolight to problemgambling [link] [comments]
There was no other choice you were going to make in the past than the one you did. At the time, you thought it was the right choice and that's why you did it. Our minds can justify this after the fact as "right" or "wrong" but ultimately the body does what it does. It's fine to look at the past and analyze things objectively but do not beat yourself up over "what if I did or didn't do this" - life is infinitely random and complicated and for all you know it may have been even worse if you did or did not do something in your past. So do not overthink your past and instead...
Focus on the present.
Be grateful for everything in your life that is going okay. If you happen to live in a decent country or have a friend or family member who cares, be grateful. There is so much in our lives we take for granted. Your gambling addiction does not define you, it is just a part of you and there are so many other positive parts if you would just back up and observe.
Focus on the future.
No matter where you are in your recovery (or yet to begin recovery)… whether you’re deeply in debt and hiding it from family, or if you feel isolated and alone, or like you’re going to be a debt slave for years to pay this off…
Whatever your situation is, know that right now in the present, you have the ability to tackle those emotions you bury and manifest through impulses like gambling. You can address that deep sadness and negativity in your life through therapy and self reflection. It is not easy but it is possible to build new values that will impact the future version of you. Our values are like plants that grow slowly based on what we feed them with each day. If we can act courageous enough to try new actions we haven't before (and maintain them the best we can) then our new values and behaviors will act in our defense against impulses like gambling. In other words, we can reduce the chance of relapse by taking new actions and strengthening our values, today.
So do everything you can that you know you should be doing, today. Tell someone about your addiction in real life. Yes, it’s stressful to do this but it helped me immensely and I don’t think I could’ve made it this far and minimizing the negative impact of my gambling without telling someone and seeking support locally.
There is GA, online GA meetings that run 24/7, therapy, yes you know the rest but the point is: make the decision today to actually start watering those values you want to live by.
I want to live as free as possible and not controlled by shady companies like casinos. I want to not destroy my life more than I have so far because I recognize I have deep intrinsic value (we all do) and that I can benefit others and hopefully the world. I want to live in a better state of balance where I’m not in constant self induced panic because of gambling or similarly bad life choices.
All these values, I want to become so I can live a better life and I believe it is possible for anyone to decide for yourself your “why” and for you to overcome any addiction as long as you are courageous enough to take new actions you haven't before. It is not an overnight thing but it is so very possible.
Lastly, never get complacent if you’ve not gambled for a long time. I am always on guard with myself and relapses, while not expected may occur. Everything is a learning lesson and as long as you are growing and trying to be honest with yourself and giving it your all, you will see positive results. Yes it is a burden to be a recovering addict and have to deal with all this shit but you are stronger than you think.
You have it in you to not let this addiction define you but instead let it strengthen you into a more profound person who has faced inner demons and worked to overcome them, one battle at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time. Please reach out to someone, there is always someone willing to listen and who cares. I wish you the best.
2023.03.20 21:18 Content_Sea_9 Concerning symptoms after a car accident
29yo female, got into a car accident 3/8. Went to the emergency room that day and received x-rays, nothing abnormal on them. Diagnosed with whiplash and mild concussion. I did not lose consciousness during the crash and had chest/back pain from airbags and whiplash, but no abdominal pain.
Fast forward to 2 days ago. My back is still in pain, and I still have brain fog but new symptoms appeared. I have swollen abdomen, diarrhea and feel bloated. I also had pain left of my belly button and in the same position but on my back (left, lower aligning with hip bone). The weird thing is that the pain kind of moves and my stomach is making sounds. I went to urgent care and they did a urine sample, which was fine. Said it could be kidney stones or diverticulitis. I have an appointment with PCP in one week.
I’m at a loss as to whether I should go to ER. I don’t know if this abdominal pain is related to the accident or just bad gas or even from stress. The pain isn’t horrible, I can walk and press it without it feeling horrible. It’s more of a full and uncomfortable feeling with some sharp pain occasionally like gas. I’m just afraid it could be internal bleeding, or even cancer.
Not asking for diagnosis, just insight on whether I should wait until doctors appointment in a week or to go now.
No medications taken besides ibuprofen 600mg 48 hours ago, charcoal capsules and cyclobenzaprine 5mg over 48 hours ago. For what it’s worth doctor at the urgent care felt abdomen and didn’t seem concerned.
Sorry for long post, thanks!
submitted by Content_Sea_9 to AskDocs [link] [comments]
Fast forward to 2 days ago. My back is still in pain, and I still have brain fog but new symptoms appeared. I have swollen abdomen, diarrhea and feel bloated. I also had pain left of my belly button and in the same position but on my back (left, lower aligning with hip bone). The weird thing is that the pain kind of moves and my stomach is making sounds. I went to urgent care and they did a urine sample, which was fine. Said it could be kidney stones or diverticulitis. I have an appointment with PCP in one week.
I’m at a loss as to whether I should go to ER. I don’t know if this abdominal pain is related to the accident or just bad gas or even from stress. The pain isn’t horrible, I can walk and press it without it feeling horrible. It’s more of a full and uncomfortable feeling with some sharp pain occasionally like gas. I’m just afraid it could be internal bleeding, or even cancer.
Not asking for diagnosis, just insight on whether I should wait until doctors appointment in a week or to go now.
No medications taken besides ibuprofen 600mg 48 hours ago, charcoal capsules and cyclobenzaprine 5mg over 48 hours ago. For what it’s worth doctor at the urgent care felt abdomen and didn’t seem concerned.
Sorry for long post, thanks!
2023.03.20 21:13 PreviousHistorian475 My baby sleeps less now than before!
My daughter is six months old, in the third week. She has never slept throughout the night to date and sleep training just doesnt seem to work. Typically, she would crash around 8, wake up once at four am, eat snuggle for about thirty min and knock out. They say not to push sleep training if your baby isnt bothering your sleep schedule enough to affect you, and im a SAHM so i figured what the heck, shes my lil baby. Recently tho, shes been taking her same three naps (a long one around ten, a short snooze around 1 and a long nap between 3 and 4) and staying up bushy tailed ready to play until 10pm! She has been waking up like a newborn again, and just wanting to hang out. In addition, shes gotten more demanding with my attention, screaming bloody murder as soon as i put her in the crib and walk away or even just turn myback on her to wash dishes. I read to my baby, snuggle her contact nap in the morning read to hersing to her. And her dad is trying to play and distract her as well, just so i can get things done. He is older than me and disabled so we are with our baby 24/7 unless mommy or daddy has an appointment or errand. She has never been babysat or left our sight since birth. She is not lacking in love or attention, and I love my little angel to death. As guilty as I am to say it, i feel myself burning out. I just miss sleeping without a care in the world, a full eight hours if i wanted even...what can i do??
submitted by PreviousHistorian475 to NewParents [link] [comments]
2023.03.20 21:09 amethyst353 What does anesthesia feel like for cats?
I just picked up my boy from getting neutered. I understand what I need to do to physically take care of him while recoverimg, and I know that they'll feel weird and have side effects for about 12-24 hours, but I'm curious about what it feels like for them.
I don't want to stress my cat out or scare him especially after such a traumatic experience like surgery, so I want to make sure he's comfy. Should I avoid petting him? He's normally a very affectionate cat, but just now when I pet him gently on his head, he looked terrified and did little meows.
I've never had anesthesia before, so I don't even know what it feels like for humans. Idk if this is a weird question, but I just want to know what he's going through.
submitted by amethyst353 to CatAdvice [link] [comments]
I don't want to stress my cat out or scare him especially after such a traumatic experience like surgery, so I want to make sure he's comfy. Should I avoid petting him? He's normally a very affectionate cat, but just now when I pet him gently on his head, he looked terrified and did little meows.
I've never had anesthesia before, so I don't even know what it feels like for humans. Idk if this is a weird question, but I just want to know what he's going through.
2023.03.20 21:04 BettySpaghettyStan Life with second baby
We have a 5.5 month baby and a 3 year old. Our 5.5 month old was born at 36 weeks (I had our first at 31 weeks - I physically cannot carry to term). It has been a rough transition from the get go with our 5.5 mo being in the NICU due to blood sugar problems and jaundice. Since then we have had to deal with: - MSPI (I did a super strict diet no dairy, soy, eggs, wheat, and I also don't eat meat by choice). We are now on amino acid formula because I physically couldn't take how I felt on such a restricted diet and she wasn't even improving. - Reflux - we did famotadine for 5 months and we have been on omeprazole for a few weeks now. It might be slowly working, but we are still waiting for the full effect. - Restless baby who WILL NOT SLEEP. She will only do contact naps. She hates baby carriers and I've tried 4 different ones (including wraps). I think half of it is her gastrointestinal issues, but the other half is personality. She wants to be constantly doing something. If she gets bored you will know it. She has been trying to get on her knees already. So I am hopeful that crawling will give her some independence and make her less cranky. - Teething started a while ago, but of course no teeth yet.
I can not put her down. If I do she needs me to be constantly engaging with her. See, I wouldn't mind but it interferes with me being able to give my 3 year old the attention she needs. My husband helps absolutely as much as he can when he isn't at work. He helps clean, cook, watch both kids so I can do what I need to. There just aren't enough hours in the day, or so it feels. I love both of my children more than anything. I was just super caught off guard by how different my second baby is. I just want to be able to get a few things done. I hardly eat as I don't have time. I miss being able to make myself feel good by being put together physically. The other day I literally didn't sleep for over 24 hours because if I didn't hold her she wouldn't sleep. If she doesn't sleep then she gets majorly overtired. The next night she slept for 9 hours straight. Then 3 hours the next night and then 6 the next. So it is super unpredictable. As mentioned above, naps are nonexistent if they aren't on me. I'm hoping the omeprazole makes this better for all of us.
I really thought that because she was born at a later gestational age that she would be a bit easier than our first. She was 9 weeks early so we had a hard transition into parenthood as a whole. I was so wrong lol. Our 5.5 month is a sweetie for sure. She is so fun when she's happy, but 90% of her life has been just trying to get her to sleep or stop crying. Her doctors are the worst. They. Do. Not. Care. It has been like pulling teeth trying to get them to be helpful. You can not switch pediatricians easily where I live as majority of offices only take newborns. Once you are an established patient switching isn't easy. We have no family or friends where we live either. Our parents drive to where we live (a few hours away) when they can but they have their own lives too (and of course it is nice but we don't expect them to help). When they do come to help they say "oh she just has colic" or "you were never like this as a baby". My eyes can't roll hard enough because she has legitimate reasons why she is so uncomfortable and hard to settle. Also, I'm not her and she's not me - of course we aren't going to be the same as a baby. Just as I knew my first and second wouldn't be the same. I just didn't expect such a drastic difference between the two.
I'm sick of hearing the "oh you are going to miss this" phrases. We do not have easy babies by any means. I know that no baby is inherently "easy" but there are definitely ones that aren't as high needs as others. Ours need more to be satisfied. Also, we practice gentle parenting (with natural consequences) and I'm just tired from being an emotional punching-bag for every strong feeling our toddler has. My mental health has been way better than when we had our first. It's just the last few weeks have been getting harder for some reason? I thought as we approach 6 months things would be getting easier, but they haven't so far. I feel constantly guilty because my 3 year old wants more than I can currently give her because the baby needs literally anything and everything. I also have this nagging disappointment because we have always wanted 3 children. This second baby is really making me question if I could handle that: - another high risk pregnancy - another inconsolable or always cranky baby (potentially) - another round of being a grumpy mom
But it's not even something to worry about now. Also, I tell myself that they are only babies for a relatively short amount of time and our toddler is so chill. I guess I just needed a place to vent. I definitely feel burnt out. I do sometimes feel like a bad mom, but I do try my best, and both children have their needs met. I try my best to not compare myself to other parents. I see parents with many children and wonded how they do it? How do they always seem so put together and chill when I'm struggling with only two lol? When did it get easier for those of you with a high needs second baby? Did you end up having a third? I don't feel like we are done yet in my heart, but we wouldn't even attempt a third until our baby is in preschool. I'm just sad at the thought of not having a third. I'm also like- holy shit, I'm exhausted lol. Please be gentle. I'm already hard enough on myself. Luckily, my husband is the best support. He is our rock. I try my best to reciprocate when I have an ounce to give. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry it's long. It's been 5, almost 6, months of culminating all of this. cheers
submitted by BettySpaghettyStan to Parenting [link] [comments]
I can not put her down. If I do she needs me to be constantly engaging with her. See, I wouldn't mind but it interferes with me being able to give my 3 year old the attention she needs. My husband helps absolutely as much as he can when he isn't at work. He helps clean, cook, watch both kids so I can do what I need to. There just aren't enough hours in the day, or so it feels. I love both of my children more than anything. I was just super caught off guard by how different my second baby is. I just want to be able to get a few things done. I hardly eat as I don't have time. I miss being able to make myself feel good by being put together physically. The other day I literally didn't sleep for over 24 hours because if I didn't hold her she wouldn't sleep. If she doesn't sleep then she gets majorly overtired. The next night she slept for 9 hours straight. Then 3 hours the next night and then 6 the next. So it is super unpredictable. As mentioned above, naps are nonexistent if they aren't on me. I'm hoping the omeprazole makes this better for all of us.
I really thought that because she was born at a later gestational age that she would be a bit easier than our first. She was 9 weeks early so we had a hard transition into parenthood as a whole. I was so wrong lol. Our 5.5 month is a sweetie for sure. She is so fun when she's happy, but 90% of her life has been just trying to get her to sleep or stop crying. Her doctors are the worst. They. Do. Not. Care. It has been like pulling teeth trying to get them to be helpful. You can not switch pediatricians easily where I live as majority of offices only take newborns. Once you are an established patient switching isn't easy. We have no family or friends where we live either. Our parents drive to where we live (a few hours away) when they can but they have their own lives too (and of course it is nice but we don't expect them to help). When they do come to help they say "oh she just has colic" or "you were never like this as a baby". My eyes can't roll hard enough because she has legitimate reasons why she is so uncomfortable and hard to settle. Also, I'm not her and she's not me - of course we aren't going to be the same as a baby. Just as I knew my first and second wouldn't be the same. I just didn't expect such a drastic difference between the two.
I'm sick of hearing the "oh you are going to miss this" phrases. We do not have easy babies by any means. I know that no baby is inherently "easy" but there are definitely ones that aren't as high needs as others. Ours need more to be satisfied. Also, we practice gentle parenting (with natural consequences) and I'm just tired from being an emotional punching-bag for every strong feeling our toddler has. My mental health has been way better than when we had our first. It's just the last few weeks have been getting harder for some reason? I thought as we approach 6 months things would be getting easier, but they haven't so far. I feel constantly guilty because my 3 year old wants more than I can currently give her because the baby needs literally anything and everything. I also have this nagging disappointment because we have always wanted 3 children. This second baby is really making me question if I could handle that: - another high risk pregnancy - another inconsolable or always cranky baby (potentially) - another round of being a grumpy mom
But it's not even something to worry about now. Also, I tell myself that they are only babies for a relatively short amount of time and our toddler is so chill. I guess I just needed a place to vent. I definitely feel burnt out. I do sometimes feel like a bad mom, but I do try my best, and both children have their needs met. I try my best to not compare myself to other parents. I see parents with many children and wonded how they do it? How do they always seem so put together and chill when I'm struggling with only two lol? When did it get easier for those of you with a high needs second baby? Did you end up having a third? I don't feel like we are done yet in my heart, but we wouldn't even attempt a third until our baby is in preschool. I'm just sad at the thought of not having a third. I'm also like- holy shit, I'm exhausted lol. Please be gentle. I'm already hard enough on myself. Luckily, my husband is the best support. He is our rock. I try my best to reciprocate when I have an ounce to give. Thanks for reading. I'm sorry it's long. It's been 5, almost 6, months of culminating all of this. cheers
2023.03.20 20:38 ironingthecurtains Repost - he took the kids handhold
The saga is ongoing. Lots of updates. Lots of flowery language. Cheerleading.
I'll post the 32 OP posts in comments so save you all going through the whole thread if you're not MN members. Eta - couldn't add as a comment so here's the longest post ever.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4756410-he-has-run-off-with-the-kids-advice-needed-and-handhold
The saga is ongoing.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4756410-he-has-run-off-with-the-kids-advice-needed-and-handhold
He has run off with the kids, advice needed and handhold 32 replies Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 09:30
Posting for traffic. Apologies, its long.
Some might remember my previous threads. Basically I separated from my controlling ex in February. Things moved really quickly. And I managed to find a house. I moved out on Thursday. Instead of taking the kids out whilst I moved to make it less distressing for them which we had previously agreed, he stayed and made me take all my stuff out in front of them, and put it into the front garden. My friend and her children came over to help load her car up with my stuff. As awful as it was I stayed strong for the kids, they were excited about the new house, their new bedrooms and where choosing which toys to bring as well as playing with their friends in the front garden. Once my stuff was out (not much, he refused i take any furniture), he demanded my keys back, demanded the kids go inside, and literally pulled my 4 year old away from me, she was screaming and crying. He slammed the door in my face and shut the curtains. In hindsight I should have called the police then, believe me I realise that now. However i was trying to cause as least stress as possible. Due to previous advice on here I have recorded him on multiple occasions. I recorded the children Thursday morning whilst they were playing whilst I was moving my stuff out. You can see my stuff in the front garden and the kids happy and playing. When he took my daughter off me and put the other two inside and slammed the door on me, I started recording then too. You can clearly see and hear my daughter screaming behind the door , (part frosted glass door) and him pulling her as she's holding onto the front door handle from the inside. You can also hear him say you will see mummy tomorrow. Him and I had agreed that they would come to my new house on Friday morning whilst he goes to work. He has been using my past mental health against me, (see previous threads, I will try to link,) since I told him I wanted to separate, he wanted me to provide him a letter from a medical professional saying im sane 🙄. My cpn is dicharging me next week, so he will have that on paper - i know i dont have to do that but I will send him a copy because i have nothing to hide. On Thursday afternoon he phones me asking when will I be giving him half the child benefit. I tell him I am arranging mediation and we can discuss it there as he keeps ranting at me down the phone. So, Friday morning comes around. I message to double check what time he is dropping them over. I get back one message saying the kids are safe, I'm not taking any calls. He then ignores my texts and calls. I got round to his house and the car is gone, the curtains are drawn. He has done a runner with the kids! I phoned police and social services. As we have only just separated there is no child arrangements order in place. I'm absoloutely heartbroken. I've never known pain like it. They are 1, 4 and 6. They spend the majority of the time with me. Nearly 4 years ago he built and insulated a shed in the bottom of the garden. He has slept out there 99% of the time since. Leaving me to do all night time childcare since then. The girls who are 4 and 6 sleep in the bedroom next to me, the 4 year old wakes almost every night and comes and spends the rest of the night with me. My one year old has been in my bed since birth, what must my poor babies be thinking? He also works part time where I have the children on my own. The 4 and 6 year old are homeschooled. I take them to all activities and clubs and play dates etc. I know this is 100% about control, that he is using the children to try to break me so that his "she's an unstable mother" claims come true. I am 100% confident in my ability to parent my children. I am 100% confident that there is no issue with me, infact I've never felt stronger, my mh has never been better. That's why I knew I had to leave, because I knew I could be a strong single mother to my beautiful babies and I didn't want them witnessing his toxic behaviour any more. I will not have my children growing up thinking his behaviour is acceptable. I have a solicitors appointment Monday morning at 9am. All services have been informed, mediation is booked for 2 weeks time. I have phoned the police 4 times since Friday, who advise its a civil matter. I have spoken to social services who have said I'm doing everything right and have contacted every one I need to. I have even contacted universal credit. I believe part of the reason he has taken the children is because he won't receive the child element of universal credit anymore. He has Been begging for half the child benefit which thankfully is in my name. I was receiving pip due to my previous mental health issues, and he claimed carers element in universal credit. Obviously now I've moved out, and said he isn't my carer since we split, he doesn't get that anymore. He was only having to work part time because of this, despite claiming to be my carer, I was doing the vast majority of child care and household chores, whilst he slept in the shed so his sleep wasn't disturbed.
I have never felt pain like this. Being away from my children and wondering what they must be thinking, why they aren't seeing me, what he's filled their heads with is breaking my heart. I know and I will be strong and get through this short time until the courts decide on child arrangements. I'm also realistic about the fact that he could keep them until that date, in which case it could be at least a month before I see them again. Even when I had pnd 4 years ago, I went to a mbu with my daughter, they knew it was imperative that she be with me. I did end up being sectioned but my medication was adjusted and I made a rapid recovery. I was allowed to leave early from the section and even then all my children were allowed to visit me in the family room next to the unit as everyone knew how important it was they and I have regular contact. I was never a danger to my children, I just felt that I wasn't good enough to be their mother. However I've worked hard on myself, I am fully recovered. I engaged in all therapy, took the medication properly and came off it under their advice. I look after myself because I know that to be a good mother to my kids I need to be good to myself. I since have had my 1 year old and there's been no issues at all. Infact as 'my carer' he never once phoned any services or teams on me with any concerns regarding my mental health in an extremely long time, years, So there is also evidence of this.
I have my furniture being delivered today, the girls Bunk beds and sofa, tables etc. I will make this house a special and safe home for my babies, where they feel respected and loved.
I'm sorry for the huge post. Please if anyone has any more advice on what I can do, Or any questions for the solicitor appointment tomorrow I would so appreciate it. I need all the support and advice I can get. Thankyou
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Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 10:52
NEmama · 05/03/2023 09:46
Stay strong. Are his family involved? Would ex mil speak to him . Awful situation for you op x
Nope, no one is answering or responding. I have absoloutely no idea where they have gone. My guess is he's spoken to a solicitor and they've told him he is legally with in his rights to take the kids as he has parental responsibility and there is no court order in place
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 14:48
Dartsplayer · 05/03/2023 14:43
Unfortunately, having gone through the same thing with a family member, this is correct and there is nothing the police can do.
@Iamworthit you need to download a C100 form and submit it to your local family Court for an emergency hearing to have the children returned to your care as soon as possible. This group were invaluable in guiding us through the process from the children being taken to getting a Child Arrangement Order in place. You sound like you are doing everything right
www.facebook.com/groups/488124058749486/?ref=share
Show quote history I have my solicitor appt Tomorrow. Will she do that?
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:08
CalamityClam · 05/03/2023 10:19
Hold tight. My ex did the same thing. I had to leave without them. The DCs were safe with him even though I knew he was an absolute controlling TWAT - I knew they’d be upset, but I knew they’d be safe. I did everything you’re doing, determined to have it sorted legally so he couldn’t do it again, even if it meant waiting to see them. Believe me, the novelty will soon wear off for him when he realises he’s stuck with the kids and you’re as free as a bird.
It resolved for me quite quickly- within a couple of weeks. We shared care going forward. The DCs are adults now and have a very distant relationship with their dad.
So reassuring to speak to someone who has been through this and there was a positive outcome. I haven't spoken to them at all or seen them since Thursday morning, this is the longest its been. I'm assuming he has gone to his parents over an hour away. The police managed to get hold of him today and will be doing a welfare check tonight or tomorrow. They can't give me his wareabouts. Im terrified my kids are going to forget me, especially the one year old, other than a handful of nights where he agreed to have him for a night or 2 whilst I visited friends/ family, he's always been with me. And what if he turns them against me. I'm so scared they will think I've abandoned them and hate me or forget me. It could be weeks before a court hearing. Can a 1 year old Remember that long. I don't know.
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:23
Sunriseinwonderland · 05/03/2023 11:27
Take a deep breath and step back OP. My ex pulled this stunt more than once and the judge awarded me full custody and him none because DS was so traumatised by him. It took a while but it was ok. Well done for recording it. Your solicitor will advise you.
How long did he keep your son away from you for? I'm so scared they will forget me x
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Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:29
macncheeeesey · 05/03/2023 12:34
He's trying to punish you and unfortunately you have to abide by the system.
He will likely realise how hard it is very soon and won't be able to keep up with the homeschooling and caring for three little ones - especially as you say he sleeps in a shed normally.
Use this time to make the house a home for them. You can apply for an emergency family hearing - I'm sure your solicitor has advised on that.
He's an evil man who is damaging your kids but he won't be able to keep them. You've done everything you need to and informed the right people.
Try to distract yourself and use this time to work on your plan of attack to get them back and get yourself right.
My ex took our DD and wouldn't give her back but did eventually. Police wouldn't get involved after they did one welfare check. I would call them and ask them to do a check and say he is mentally unstable and you're worried about the kids. This will be logged and hopefully will scare him a bit.
I know the feeling, my DD wanted to come back but ex wouldn't let her. When she did some back she was super clingy. She knew what her dad did was wrong.
You've got this and you'll get them back.
I'm sorry you went through this too. How old was your daughter when he did that? How long was she away from you for. I'm scared they will hate me, god knows what he's telling them about why they can't see me
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:33
liveforsummer · 05/03/2023 12:47
Presumably he was taking care of them while she was sectioned so whilst he may not look after them when she’s gone he clearly can.
He looked after 1 dc then, not 3. He has become increasingly abusive since then
No, he went to work when I was in the mother and baby unit with my 2nd daughter. My mum and mil took it in turns to look after our eldest and he would look after her when not at work. Even when i went away for a couple of kights for my friends wedding my mum came to help him look after the kids
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:40
Springchicken75 · 05/03/2023 19:36
Op I would also strongly advise you to contact women’s aid after your appointment with the solicitor, they will offer some much needed support and advice.
www.womensaid.org.uk I did this a few weeks ago and I just got an email back with endless other support agencies, solicitors to call.
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:45
OhmygodDont · 05/03/2023 20:00
Snatches children like some mad man on the street. Or a father having his children for the weekend or maybe even being the resident parent.
With this whole women and men are equal they are aLeo equal parents 🥱. He text saying they were safe and he would not be taking her calls. Police have been called 4! Times and don’t seem to think there is any issue. Op willingly left them on the Thursday.
Im sure op will hear find out more Monday morning but nothing makes her the better or more superior parent in the eyes of the law currently.
The police got back to me today. They are doing a welfare check tonight or tomorrow. I didn't Willingly leave them on Thursday. I left them heartbroken, not wanting to cause any more distress and with a stupid idea he would do the right thing and give them to me the next day as planned.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 05:16
Sami561 · 05/03/2023 20:22
I am so sorry you are going through this OP. The pain is like nothing else.
I have been in the same position as you and, unfortunately, as you have probably found, The Police have no powers if the father has parental rights. They say it is a civil matters for the courts.
All I can say is that this will massively go against him in family court proceedings- it did for my estranged husband. He was banned from having our child overnight for a considerable amount of time until he could prove he was trustworthy again. The courts and professionals also named that he was using our child as a emotional weapon towards me by doing this. Your husband will be viewed in exactly the same way by all involved. He isn't thinking about the children at all, he is thinking about himself and getting one over on you.
Brilliant that you have a solicitors appointment tomorrow, they will give you the advice you need.
Stay strong and get that child arrangements order in place💐
I really hope they do the same. I'm sorry you had to go through this too. It so incredibly cruel and unfair to the children.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 05:46
Kinneddar · 05/03/2023 21:49
Probably because it doesn't meet the criteria. The children are with their Dad, there's nothing to suggest they're at risk. Just because their Mum doesn't know where they are doesn't mean there's anything wrong.
The other thing is the police will look at the history of the family in assessing things. They've been called out before because the OP was threatening self harm. She's still currently under a MH section & despite being told its not a Police matter has phoned numerous times today. Regardless of what anyone here thinks they'll make the assessment based on the information they have, which from the sounds of it possibly doesn't look great for the OP. AND the other thing is, we only know OPs version of events. I'm not saying they're not accurate but we have absolutely no way of knowing
Police don't do a welfare check just because someone wants them to, there has to be grounds.
If for instance they don't turn up at school tomorrow that would have things reassessed.
Even if officers did go out to the house tonight & noone was home they're not going to turn it into a misper enquiry at this stage.
Show quote history The police were never phoned with regards to my mental health. I always went through the proper channels with the perinatal team. Yes I did have the crisis team involved but that was 4 YEARS AGO. I was in a mother and baby unit and the medication they gave me to treat it was to low a dose. I was always with my daughter at the mbu. I got sectioned 4 years ago, and once there, my dd went back to the family home with her dad. My mum and mil also took it turns to stay with them for extra support. My section was supposed to last 28 days. I was released at day 14 due responding so well to the medication. I had been observed with my children by the nurses and Dr's theres (yes I still got to see my kids, and kept breastfeeding her and pumping the whole time) even during that period I have never been away from the kids for this long. Everyone in my care knew I was a brilliant mother, I have documents from being there. I struggling with pnd, and never a harm to my children. We were very much bonded, I just felt absolutely not good enough to be their mother. I have engaged with services at every single point along the way. I since had another baby - the one year old, and I was put under the perinatal mental health team again for precaution, but due to me doing really well during that pregnancy my contact with them was very little and the discharged me a year after birth with a plan to come off my medication, which I have done. Even after all this I'm still strong because I know I have to be there for my kids when I do get them back they will need me more than ever. Yes he was claiming carers allowance. However he hasn't phoned any mental health team in years with any concerns about me. He is trying to gaslight me to say that he has concerns, well than why as he only just raised concerns since I told him I was leaving ? Thankfully this is all fact and documented. My cpn has been phoned by my ex regularly since for the last few weeks since I said I'm leaving. My cpn has received calls from my ex and his family claiming I needed a welfare check. I arranged for my cpn to see me, who agreed that I'm fit and well and will be discharged this week. My cpn told me he said to the mil that they are all wasting his time and to stop calling him. My cpn visited me on Friday when I phoned him to say my ex had taken the children, he came over straight away, and is still satisfied I can be discharged. I've had a traumatic childhood, pnd was almost inevitable I've been told, however I have worked bloody hard on myself and am a credit to my children. Any one else reading this thread in the future who has to go through similar, please do not let posters like this wear you down. I have had PREVIOUS mental health issues. My mental health now is better than its ever been.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 08:55
Thankyou. Omg 8 months your poor baby
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 10:28
UPDATE solicitor was great. She will apply for an urgent hearing today. Expensive, but my mum will pay this initial fee. Hopefully be seen by the court today 🙏 With a predicted respond date by Friday from him. I don't know when this means I will get them back, but at least the ball is rolling She will also put in a Prohibited Steps Order to stop him from changing their gp, Registering them for school, or taking them abroad.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 10:38
SchoolTripDrama · 06/03/2023 10:36
Fantastic news, I'm pleased for you.
Also, him doing this, will MASSIVELY negatively affect his chances of getting access in the future, via legal routes. Judges look extremely dimly on parents who pull this stunt
Show quote history Thankyou. I hope this can be resolved ASAP. I think she said she's going to request an urgent live with order too
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 13:46
mucky123 · 06/03/2023 13:33
I have no actual knowledge of the Court system in these circumstances or anything helpful to say but I just wanted you to know that I have read the whole thread and I think you are incredibly brave and strong. I think lots of people would have crumpled at this and maybe gone back to him or just broken down. Well done, keep fighting, hope it is all over soon.
Thankyou. Don't get me wrong I've sobbed huge tears of grief this weekend and been full of panic and worry, one thing I will not do is let him break me. My kids need the best version of me right now, and so that's my focus x
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 19:25
Another update Not so great. He also did a Prohibited Steps Order. So the judge received them both today. They decided to see us together but the quickest available date is on the 21st of March! I've seen a copy of his order and requests. He wants me to admit I'm unstable. He wants confirmation from mh professionals I'm OK. It looks like he says I can have Supervised contact and calls. So obviously yes I'll take anything I can get, but need solicitor to confirm this. Also made allegations about how "unstable" I am. That I'm a suicide risk, that I've done x,y,z... BUT there's no record of him phoning my gp or cpn or anything, so hopefully that can quash that! He also keeps phoning my cpn telling him he is going for custody or he is giving me the order, or he is hiding away with the kids... So obvious he wants me to crack in front of the cpn. With regards to my cpn he is telling me he is putting my case to the team for discharge tomorrow, there is a chance they won't agree, and with the luck I'm having atm I'm beginning to think that they are going to say they won't discharge me.
Thanks for all the support. I really appreciate everything you ladies have said. I will update tomorrow with any news.
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:30
Nope not since Thursday morning
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:46
Scalessayeek · 06/03/2023 22:00
OP I can’t believe how some people are trying to bring you down. I would have completely fallen apart in your situation. You just need someone to see your posts on here to see how centered you are at the moment.
Sending you all the strength and luck in the world!
Thankyou. My kids have never needed more. All his behaviour is doing now is showing me just how controlling he is, and that getting out of that relationship is the best thing for me and the kids long term.
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:48
P3N · 06/03/2023 19:42
Stay strong OP. You are doing amazing. Have the police got back about the welfare check? Your ex is disgusting trying to use your MH against you.
Yes. They saw the children and reported they aren't in harms way.
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:54
Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:48
Yes. They saw the children and reported they aren't in harms way.
Show quote history Physical harm that Is. I said I'm guessing they are at the grandparents then and his expression told me everything I needed to know. At least they know them. Although they are nearly 80.
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 15:57
Whiskeypowers · 08/03/2023 15:47
Hope you are holding up ok @Iamworthit
have you had any updates from the police or your solicitor etc?
No more information from police. He came back last night to his house, was there this morning amd gone this afternoon. I was notified by my friend who lives close by. No idea if the kids are with him. Waiting to hear if I can have Supervised visits before court hearing on 21st. Tonight will be night 7..
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 22:08
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/03/2023 19:19
Just for my own understanding, why do you need supervised visits?
Show quote history I don't. He is claiming I'm mentally unstable and a flight risk because he's a controlling, pathetic excuse of a man. He vanished with the kids and put an application for a Prohibited Steps Order that I can't have the children back until he sees a letter from a medical professional to state otherwise.
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 22:10
MaireadMcSweeney · 08/03/2023 19:54
Honestly I would probably do this too, but I don't know how that would impact on the court hearing. Remember now the process has started you can't just pull out and cancel it.
Show quote history This. I can't do anything because it's with solicitors, police and social services.
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 22:33
Hi ladies. My cpn came over today. He isn't going to discharge me for another few weeks. This is positive, because it means he can tell the courts/judge that he is having the most recent interactions with me and there for can give an honest and open account of how I am. He phoned My solicitor personally and she agreed this would help my case. He has written a letter for this interim period to say he has no concerns. My solicitor believes if he with holds supervised visits before the court date he will be doing himself no favours at all. My cpn also told me that in his notes he has written that in his professional opinion my ex is mentally unstable (he has been pestering my cpn every few days for the past few weeks, since I told him I wanted to leave, however not once in over 3 years before I wanted to split was he concerned). Also that he is bring coercive, he is controlling, and the fact he sleeps in a shed 🤣🤣!! My cpn has Been brilliant throughout this whole thing. It's a case of playing the long game at the moment, I can't do anything to jeopardise seeing my kids. This is night 7. I last saw them a week ago tomorrow at around 11. I will not let him break me. He is using every tactic he can think of.
Go to post Iamworthit · 09/03/2023 11:33
cpphelp · 09/03/2023 08:03
The update about your CPN is fantastic. You are doing everything right. I think you're amazing, and all of this will be working in your favour. Maybe once all of this is over, they will insist on supervised visits only for him! How's the house coming along? Charity shops and the British heart foundation furniture shops are great for filling up a house xx
Thankyou. Yes my cpn has been great! Every second that goes by is another second without seeing my children, but it's also one second closer to getting them back in My arms.
Today marks a whole week since I last saw, held, played with, cuddled or even talked to my beautiful babies.
Go to post Iamworthit · 13/03/2023 20:34
UPDATE So, I got to see them this weekend!!! Supervised with my mum present at his request, but after 9 long days I finally got to see them, hold them, tell them I love them and they didn't forget me! ❤️ They loved the house, and their new bedroom 🤗 it was magic!
I'm hopeful for more contact this week which solicitor is hoping to negotiate. I'm STILL waiting for my letter from the CPN!. He was told by his manager to go through the NHS solicitors to make the letter water tight so that ex/his solicitors can't pick holes in it, so I'm actually waiting on the NHS solicitors now, its frustrating... They have had a similar case happen before, so want to do as much for me as possible.
However, ex agreed to contact this weekend, both days, due to my CPN speaking on the phone with my solicitor, and informing her I am well, capable, of sound mind, has seen me / spoken to me every few days since ex started with these mind games a month ago.
The kids were very anxious about going back to him, which was heartbreaking, but at the very least they know I'm always here, I have a safe home and I'm going to fight for their right to be with me, their mum.
Thankyou for all your support ladies. The first "urgent" hearing is next week, and then it's dealing with cafcass, social services etc for the next (and hopefully final) hearing in 2 months time where we will find out the child arrangements order.
Still a bloody long way to go till this is sorted, I don't trust that he won't do anything he can to get at me. He is already disputing the kids living with me and now my benefits may be stopped or suspended until this is sorted, which is just another form of him trying to control me.
I will never go back to him. I have lost all respect, faith, trust and any love I had for him is well and truly gone. He was able to hide behind clever words, confuse me, manipulate me and control me for far too long.
I hope the kids will forgive me for this upheaval in their lives, and I hope beyond all hope that they are back with me on a regular basis and that the judge can see him for what he is and that his actions have impacted our children's emotional well being significantly. But, until I have the judges decision, I know I won't take anything for granted. Anything could happen and now I know ex is capable of this, he could be capable of more and throw something else at me.
As always, thanks for checking in on me and your support xxx
Iamworthit · Yesterday 18:44
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · Yesterday 10:33
@Iamworthit your court case is Tuesday I think? How are you doing? Have you seen your children again?
Hi, nice username, dd2 loves hungry caterpillar!
I saw them once in the week aswell as yesterday and today. All had to be supervised by my mum, despite his solicitor confirming she sent him the letter from my CpN on Tuesday lunchtime, and me also sending him a message to say he now has it. However this letter he so desperately said he needs for me to have unsupervised and overnight visits he hasn't even responded to. I'm presuming he is waiting till court on Tuesday.
Yesterday the girls informed me that daddy left them at a strange woman's house whilst he went to work...
The time has been wonderful and I've really treasured every moment. Yesterday my one year old was in desperate need of a nap, he snuggled up to me in our new king-size bed in our new house and he slept peacefully for well over 2 hours. I feel so blessed to be their mummy and am thrilled at how comfortable they have been when back with me for these times. If anyone reads this in the future going through something similar - they don't forget you. That was my biggest fear, but I have more faith now that the bond between a mother and her children will always be there, no matter what or who stands in the way. Love is love.
So, our new magic house (the girls named it) is empty again for now. I'm just counting down the time until Tuesday afternoon and hoping/praying/wishing/ that the judge sees him for what he is and what he has put the children through. My solicitor is hopeful, but obviously no one knows what's going to happen on the day. I never thought my ex was capable of what he has done, but here we are.
I hope everyone has had a lovely mother's day 💗
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 11:18
Thankyou for all your messages and words of support for tomorrow. The police know everything, they did their welfare check on the children whilst he was staying at his parents house in their old country farm house with the attatched holiday home for them to stay in surrounded by their 40 acres of land. Not in the home where he and I lived with his shed at the bottom of the garden and no doubt chaos in the house where for the first time he is having to do all housework, laundry and cooking. They have been back at his for almost 2 weeks now. I have found a small comfort in them choosing games on their tablets and me getting the notification to approve their choices. The fact that I left with barely anything means they have the majority of their toys there, beds, tv etc and to them it was our home where we all lived together so at least they have familiarity. Cafcass will probably be doing a Section 7 report in which case they will meet with us and the kids in both houses so can make their own assessments from that.
They love our new house and I've explained to them the benefits of two houses, bedrooms, toys, Christmas, birthdays etc. They are being so resilient and brave through it all. I'm hoping for them it's just been a bit of an adventure.
The children filled me in on their day at the 'stranger ladies' house, where there was other children, guinea pigs a cat and a dog. They watched telly and played with the other kids and the animals and they gave dd2 a dress she particularly liked. They were very animated about it. I guess at the very least they had fun, I imagine they've been pretty bored with him. We had to drive past his house and up the road next to ex's house to get to mine yesterday and dd1 proudly pointed out 'that ladies house'. Would you believe it's almost directly behind his house!! For all I know he's been seeing this woman behind my back. She could have been hopping over the fence every night and going into his shed for all I know. I can't believe this is my life right now, you couldn't make it up. But as I've come to learn the hard way I certainly can't trust him, and I won't put anything past him.
Literally just counting down till tomorrow now.
X
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 13:28
I have no idea who she is. I did however do a Facebook search of the local "Andreas" in the area and the kids pointed to who she was and pointed to the children who they recognised. It took all of about 60 seconds to find her. And the kids named the kids correctly to what she had shared publicly on her fb page. There's even a picture of her 'cheers-ing' her primary aged son both of them holding glasses of red wine. I've taken screenshots. Her name isn't on any registered childminder lists.
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 13:29
ThreeLocusts · Today 12:12
Will light a candle for you tonight. You've kept it together amazingly through all this. Here's hoping your kids will be back with you tomorrow.
Thankyou x
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Iamworthit · Today 13:41
Ilovethewild · Today 13:10
Op, stay true to yourself and your children.
don’t get caught up with what ex is doing/seeing/sleeping with. It is irrelevant! You can’t control it and the kids are ok. It will just muddy the waters. As others say it’s another twist from ex to distract you and send you off the rails.
focus on what you can do and what’s in the childrens best interest.
good luck with tomorrow, I hope the kids come home to you asap.
I genuinely don't care what he's up to relationship wise, I've been hoping he'd find someone else for a long time and leave me alone.
What I do care about is him leaving the kids with someone they don't know for whatever reason, when I'm round the corner desperate to see them, and him thinking he can do whatever he likes without any consideration for them, me or my mum who's had to drop everything (shes been brilliant in all this) without question, to supervise time for me to have my own children.
I will definitely be asking for first refusal of child care as some other posters have suggested.
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 13:42
Sunriseinwonderland · Today 13:20
My ex hid him for a month. DS was desperate to see me. My ex is a very wicked man.
Show quote history That's despicable. I'm so sorry x
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 19:19
Tomorrow is an urgent hearing to sort out the interim child arrangements before the first official hearing in May after cafcass have done their reports. It's possible there will be another 2 Hearings after that and this could take anywhere from 6 months up to a year to resolve.
Because he did a runner with the kids first, filed a Prohibited Steps Order to stop them living with me because he is saying I'm mentally unstable.
Best case scenario they return to live with me and the judge sees through his controlling behaviour and that he doesn't have the kids best interests at heart. Worst case scenario it stays as it is.
I suspect he has something else up his sleeve to throw at me tomorrow. Its clear he wants me to suffer as much as possible.
submitted by ironingthecurtains to MNTrolls [link] [comments]
I'll post the 32 OP posts in comments so save you all going through the whole thread if you're not MN members. Eta - couldn't add as a comment so here's the longest post ever.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4756410-he-has-run-off-with-the-kids-advice-needed-and-handhold
The saga is ongoing.
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4756410-he-has-run-off-with-the-kids-advice-needed-and-handhold
He has run off with the kids, advice needed and handhold 32 replies Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 09:30
Posting for traffic. Apologies, its long.
Some might remember my previous threads. Basically I separated from my controlling ex in February. Things moved really quickly. And I managed to find a house. I moved out on Thursday. Instead of taking the kids out whilst I moved to make it less distressing for them which we had previously agreed, he stayed and made me take all my stuff out in front of them, and put it into the front garden. My friend and her children came over to help load her car up with my stuff. As awful as it was I stayed strong for the kids, they were excited about the new house, their new bedrooms and where choosing which toys to bring as well as playing with their friends in the front garden. Once my stuff was out (not much, he refused i take any furniture), he demanded my keys back, demanded the kids go inside, and literally pulled my 4 year old away from me, she was screaming and crying. He slammed the door in my face and shut the curtains. In hindsight I should have called the police then, believe me I realise that now. However i was trying to cause as least stress as possible. Due to previous advice on here I have recorded him on multiple occasions. I recorded the children Thursday morning whilst they were playing whilst I was moving my stuff out. You can see my stuff in the front garden and the kids happy and playing. When he took my daughter off me and put the other two inside and slammed the door on me, I started recording then too. You can clearly see and hear my daughter screaming behind the door , (part frosted glass door) and him pulling her as she's holding onto the front door handle from the inside. You can also hear him say you will see mummy tomorrow. Him and I had agreed that they would come to my new house on Friday morning whilst he goes to work. He has been using my past mental health against me, (see previous threads, I will try to link,) since I told him I wanted to separate, he wanted me to provide him a letter from a medical professional saying im sane 🙄. My cpn is dicharging me next week, so he will have that on paper - i know i dont have to do that but I will send him a copy because i have nothing to hide. On Thursday afternoon he phones me asking when will I be giving him half the child benefit. I tell him I am arranging mediation and we can discuss it there as he keeps ranting at me down the phone. So, Friday morning comes around. I message to double check what time he is dropping them over. I get back one message saying the kids are safe, I'm not taking any calls. He then ignores my texts and calls. I got round to his house and the car is gone, the curtains are drawn. He has done a runner with the kids! I phoned police and social services. As we have only just separated there is no child arrangements order in place. I'm absoloutely heartbroken. I've never known pain like it. They are 1, 4 and 6. They spend the majority of the time with me. Nearly 4 years ago he built and insulated a shed in the bottom of the garden. He has slept out there 99% of the time since. Leaving me to do all night time childcare since then. The girls who are 4 and 6 sleep in the bedroom next to me, the 4 year old wakes almost every night and comes and spends the rest of the night with me. My one year old has been in my bed since birth, what must my poor babies be thinking? He also works part time where I have the children on my own. The 4 and 6 year old are homeschooled. I take them to all activities and clubs and play dates etc. I know this is 100% about control, that he is using the children to try to break me so that his "she's an unstable mother" claims come true. I am 100% confident in my ability to parent my children. I am 100% confident that there is no issue with me, infact I've never felt stronger, my mh has never been better. That's why I knew I had to leave, because I knew I could be a strong single mother to my beautiful babies and I didn't want them witnessing his toxic behaviour any more. I will not have my children growing up thinking his behaviour is acceptable. I have a solicitors appointment Monday morning at 9am. All services have been informed, mediation is booked for 2 weeks time. I have phoned the police 4 times since Friday, who advise its a civil matter. I have spoken to social services who have said I'm doing everything right and have contacted every one I need to. I have even contacted universal credit. I believe part of the reason he has taken the children is because he won't receive the child element of universal credit anymore. He has Been begging for half the child benefit which thankfully is in my name. I was receiving pip due to my previous mental health issues, and he claimed carers element in universal credit. Obviously now I've moved out, and said he isn't my carer since we split, he doesn't get that anymore. He was only having to work part time because of this, despite claiming to be my carer, I was doing the vast majority of child care and household chores, whilst he slept in the shed so his sleep wasn't disturbed.
I have never felt pain like this. Being away from my children and wondering what they must be thinking, why they aren't seeing me, what he's filled their heads with is breaking my heart. I know and I will be strong and get through this short time until the courts decide on child arrangements. I'm also realistic about the fact that he could keep them until that date, in which case it could be at least a month before I see them again. Even when I had pnd 4 years ago, I went to a mbu with my daughter, they knew it was imperative that she be with me. I did end up being sectioned but my medication was adjusted and I made a rapid recovery. I was allowed to leave early from the section and even then all my children were allowed to visit me in the family room next to the unit as everyone knew how important it was they and I have regular contact. I was never a danger to my children, I just felt that I wasn't good enough to be their mother. However I've worked hard on myself, I am fully recovered. I engaged in all therapy, took the medication properly and came off it under their advice. I look after myself because I know that to be a good mother to my kids I need to be good to myself. I since have had my 1 year old and there's been no issues at all. Infact as 'my carer' he never once phoned any services or teams on me with any concerns regarding my mental health in an extremely long time, years, So there is also evidence of this.
I have my furniture being delivered today, the girls Bunk beds and sofa, tables etc. I will make this house a special and safe home for my babies, where they feel respected and loved.
I'm sorry for the huge post. Please if anyone has any more advice on what I can do, Or any questions for the solicitor appointment tomorrow I would so appreciate it. I need all the support and advice I can get. Thankyou
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Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 10:52
NEmama · 05/03/2023 09:46
Stay strong. Are his family involved? Would ex mil speak to him . Awful situation for you op x
Nope, no one is answering or responding. I have absoloutely no idea where they have gone. My guess is he's spoken to a solicitor and they've told him he is legally with in his rights to take the kids as he has parental responsibility and there is no court order in place
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 14:48
Dartsplayer · 05/03/2023 14:43
Unfortunately, having gone through the same thing with a family member, this is correct and there is nothing the police can do.
@Iamworthit you need to download a C100 form and submit it to your local family Court for an emergency hearing to have the children returned to your care as soon as possible. This group were invaluable in guiding us through the process from the children being taken to getting a Child Arrangement Order in place. You sound like you are doing everything right
www.facebook.com/groups/488124058749486/?ref=share
Show quote history I have my solicitor appt Tomorrow. Will she do that?
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:08
CalamityClam · 05/03/2023 10:19
Hold tight. My ex did the same thing. I had to leave without them. The DCs were safe with him even though I knew he was an absolute controlling TWAT - I knew they’d be upset, but I knew they’d be safe. I did everything you’re doing, determined to have it sorted legally so he couldn’t do it again, even if it meant waiting to see them. Believe me, the novelty will soon wear off for him when he realises he’s stuck with the kids and you’re as free as a bird.
It resolved for me quite quickly- within a couple of weeks. We shared care going forward. The DCs are adults now and have a very distant relationship with their dad.
So reassuring to speak to someone who has been through this and there was a positive outcome. I haven't spoken to them at all or seen them since Thursday morning, this is the longest its been. I'm assuming he has gone to his parents over an hour away. The police managed to get hold of him today and will be doing a welfare check tonight or tomorrow. They can't give me his wareabouts. Im terrified my kids are going to forget me, especially the one year old, other than a handful of nights where he agreed to have him for a night or 2 whilst I visited friends/ family, he's always been with me. And what if he turns them against me. I'm so scared they will think I've abandoned them and hate me or forget me. It could be weeks before a court hearing. Can a 1 year old Remember that long. I don't know.
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:23
Sunriseinwonderland · 05/03/2023 11:27
Take a deep breath and step back OP. My ex pulled this stunt more than once and the judge awarded me full custody and him none because DS was so traumatised by him. It took a while but it was ok. Well done for recording it. Your solicitor will advise you.
How long did he keep your son away from you for? I'm so scared they will forget me x
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Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:29
macncheeeesey · 05/03/2023 12:34
He's trying to punish you and unfortunately you have to abide by the system.
He will likely realise how hard it is very soon and won't be able to keep up with the homeschooling and caring for three little ones - especially as you say he sleeps in a shed normally.
Use this time to make the house a home for them. You can apply for an emergency family hearing - I'm sure your solicitor has advised on that.
He's an evil man who is damaging your kids but he won't be able to keep them. You've done everything you need to and informed the right people.
Try to distract yourself and use this time to work on your plan of attack to get them back and get yourself right.
My ex took our DD and wouldn't give her back but did eventually. Police wouldn't get involved after they did one welfare check. I would call them and ask them to do a check and say he is mentally unstable and you're worried about the kids. This will be logged and hopefully will scare him a bit.
I know the feeling, my DD wanted to come back but ex wouldn't let her. When she did some back she was super clingy. She knew what her dad did was wrong.
You've got this and you'll get them back.
I'm sorry you went through this too. How old was your daughter when he did that? How long was she away from you for. I'm scared they will hate me, god knows what he's telling them about why they can't see me
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:33
liveforsummer · 05/03/2023 12:47
Presumably he was taking care of them while she was sectioned so whilst he may not look after them when she’s gone he clearly can.
He looked after 1 dc then, not 3. He has become increasingly abusive since then
No, he went to work when I was in the mother and baby unit with my 2nd daughter. My mum and mil took it in turns to look after our eldest and he would look after her when not at work. Even when i went away for a couple of kights for my friends wedding my mum came to help him look after the kids
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:40
Springchicken75 · 05/03/2023 19:36
Op I would also strongly advise you to contact women’s aid after your appointment with the solicitor, they will offer some much needed support and advice.
www.womensaid.org.uk I did this a few weeks ago and I just got an email back with endless other support agencies, solicitors to call.
Go to post Iamworthit · 05/03/2023 23:45
OhmygodDont · 05/03/2023 20:00
Snatches children like some mad man on the street. Or a father having his children for the weekend or maybe even being the resident parent.
With this whole women and men are equal they are aLeo equal parents 🥱. He text saying they were safe and he would not be taking her calls. Police have been called 4! Times and don’t seem to think there is any issue. Op willingly left them on the Thursday.
Im sure op will hear find out more Monday morning but nothing makes her the better or more superior parent in the eyes of the law currently.
The police got back to me today. They are doing a welfare check tonight or tomorrow. I didn't Willingly leave them on Thursday. I left them heartbroken, not wanting to cause any more distress and with a stupid idea he would do the right thing and give them to me the next day as planned.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 05:16
Sami561 · 05/03/2023 20:22
I am so sorry you are going through this OP. The pain is like nothing else.
I have been in the same position as you and, unfortunately, as you have probably found, The Police have no powers if the father has parental rights. They say it is a civil matters for the courts.
All I can say is that this will massively go against him in family court proceedings- it did for my estranged husband. He was banned from having our child overnight for a considerable amount of time until he could prove he was trustworthy again. The courts and professionals also named that he was using our child as a emotional weapon towards me by doing this. Your husband will be viewed in exactly the same way by all involved. He isn't thinking about the children at all, he is thinking about himself and getting one over on you.
Brilliant that you have a solicitors appointment tomorrow, they will give you the advice you need.
Stay strong and get that child arrangements order in place💐
I really hope they do the same. I'm sorry you had to go through this too. It so incredibly cruel and unfair to the children.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 05:46
Kinneddar · 05/03/2023 21:49
Probably because it doesn't meet the criteria. The children are with their Dad, there's nothing to suggest they're at risk. Just because their Mum doesn't know where they are doesn't mean there's anything wrong.
The other thing is the police will look at the history of the family in assessing things. They've been called out before because the OP was threatening self harm. She's still currently under a MH section & despite being told its not a Police matter has phoned numerous times today. Regardless of what anyone here thinks they'll make the assessment based on the information they have, which from the sounds of it possibly doesn't look great for the OP. AND the other thing is, we only know OPs version of events. I'm not saying they're not accurate but we have absolutely no way of knowing
Police don't do a welfare check just because someone wants them to, there has to be grounds.
If for instance they don't turn up at school tomorrow that would have things reassessed.
Even if officers did go out to the house tonight & noone was home they're not going to turn it into a misper enquiry at this stage.
Show quote history The police were never phoned with regards to my mental health. I always went through the proper channels with the perinatal team. Yes I did have the crisis team involved but that was 4 YEARS AGO. I was in a mother and baby unit and the medication they gave me to treat it was to low a dose. I was always with my daughter at the mbu. I got sectioned 4 years ago, and once there, my dd went back to the family home with her dad. My mum and mil also took it turns to stay with them for extra support. My section was supposed to last 28 days. I was released at day 14 due responding so well to the medication. I had been observed with my children by the nurses and Dr's theres (yes I still got to see my kids, and kept breastfeeding her and pumping the whole time) even during that period I have never been away from the kids for this long. Everyone in my care knew I was a brilliant mother, I have documents from being there. I struggling with pnd, and never a harm to my children. We were very much bonded, I just felt absolutely not good enough to be their mother. I have engaged with services at every single point along the way. I since had another baby - the one year old, and I was put under the perinatal mental health team again for precaution, but due to me doing really well during that pregnancy my contact with them was very little and the discharged me a year after birth with a plan to come off my medication, which I have done. Even after all this I'm still strong because I know I have to be there for my kids when I do get them back they will need me more than ever. Yes he was claiming carers allowance. However he hasn't phoned any mental health team in years with any concerns about me. He is trying to gaslight me to say that he has concerns, well than why as he only just raised concerns since I told him I was leaving ? Thankfully this is all fact and documented. My cpn has been phoned by my ex regularly since for the last few weeks since I said I'm leaving. My cpn has received calls from my ex and his family claiming I needed a welfare check. I arranged for my cpn to see me, who agreed that I'm fit and well and will be discharged this week. My cpn told me he said to the mil that they are all wasting his time and to stop calling him. My cpn visited me on Friday when I phoned him to say my ex had taken the children, he came over straight away, and is still satisfied I can be discharged. I've had a traumatic childhood, pnd was almost inevitable I've been told, however I have worked bloody hard on myself and am a credit to my children. Any one else reading this thread in the future who has to go through similar, please do not let posters like this wear you down. I have had PREVIOUS mental health issues. My mental health now is better than its ever been.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 08:55
Thankyou. Omg 8 months your poor baby
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 10:28
UPDATE solicitor was great. She will apply for an urgent hearing today. Expensive, but my mum will pay this initial fee. Hopefully be seen by the court today 🙏 With a predicted respond date by Friday from him. I don't know when this means I will get them back, but at least the ball is rolling She will also put in a Prohibited Steps Order to stop him from changing their gp, Registering them for school, or taking them abroad.
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 10:38
SchoolTripDrama · 06/03/2023 10:36
Fantastic news, I'm pleased for you.
Also, him doing this, will MASSIVELY negatively affect his chances of getting access in the future, via legal routes. Judges look extremely dimly on parents who pull this stunt
Show quote history Thankyou. I hope this can be resolved ASAP. I think she said she's going to request an urgent live with order too
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 13:46
mucky123 · 06/03/2023 13:33
I have no actual knowledge of the Court system in these circumstances or anything helpful to say but I just wanted you to know that I have read the whole thread and I think you are incredibly brave and strong. I think lots of people would have crumpled at this and maybe gone back to him or just broken down. Well done, keep fighting, hope it is all over soon.
Thankyou. Don't get me wrong I've sobbed huge tears of grief this weekend and been full of panic and worry, one thing I will not do is let him break me. My kids need the best version of me right now, and so that's my focus x
Go to post Iamworthit · 06/03/2023 19:25
Another update Not so great. He also did a Prohibited Steps Order. So the judge received them both today. They decided to see us together but the quickest available date is on the 21st of March! I've seen a copy of his order and requests. He wants me to admit I'm unstable. He wants confirmation from mh professionals I'm OK. It looks like he says I can have Supervised contact and calls. So obviously yes I'll take anything I can get, but need solicitor to confirm this. Also made allegations about how "unstable" I am. That I'm a suicide risk, that I've done x,y,z... BUT there's no record of him phoning my gp or cpn or anything, so hopefully that can quash that! He also keeps phoning my cpn telling him he is going for custody or he is giving me the order, or he is hiding away with the kids... So obvious he wants me to crack in front of the cpn. With regards to my cpn he is telling me he is putting my case to the team for discharge tomorrow, there is a chance they won't agree, and with the luck I'm having atm I'm beginning to think that they are going to say they won't discharge me.
Thanks for all the support. I really appreciate everything you ladies have said. I will update tomorrow with any news.
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:30
Nope not since Thursday morning
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:46
Scalessayeek · 06/03/2023 22:00
OP I can’t believe how some people are trying to bring you down. I would have completely fallen apart in your situation. You just need someone to see your posts on here to see how centered you are at the moment.
Sending you all the strength and luck in the world!
Thankyou. My kids have never needed more. All his behaviour is doing now is showing me just how controlling he is, and that getting out of that relationship is the best thing for me and the kids long term.
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:48
P3N · 06/03/2023 19:42
Stay strong OP. You are doing amazing. Have the police got back about the welfare check? Your ex is disgusting trying to use your MH against you.
Yes. They saw the children and reported they aren't in harms way.
Go to post Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:54
Iamworthit · 07/03/2023 06:48
Yes. They saw the children and reported they aren't in harms way.
Show quote history Physical harm that Is. I said I'm guessing they are at the grandparents then and his expression told me everything I needed to know. At least they know them. Although they are nearly 80.
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 15:57
Whiskeypowers · 08/03/2023 15:47
Hope you are holding up ok @Iamworthit
have you had any updates from the police or your solicitor etc?
No more information from police. He came back last night to his house, was there this morning amd gone this afternoon. I was notified by my friend who lives close by. No idea if the kids are with him. Waiting to hear if I can have Supervised visits before court hearing on 21st. Tonight will be night 7..
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 22:08
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/03/2023 19:19
Just for my own understanding, why do you need supervised visits?
Show quote history I don't. He is claiming I'm mentally unstable and a flight risk because he's a controlling, pathetic excuse of a man. He vanished with the kids and put an application for a Prohibited Steps Order that I can't have the children back until he sees a letter from a medical professional to state otherwise.
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 22:10
MaireadMcSweeney · 08/03/2023 19:54
Honestly I would probably do this too, but I don't know how that would impact on the court hearing. Remember now the process has started you can't just pull out and cancel it.
Show quote history This. I can't do anything because it's with solicitors, police and social services.
Go to post Iamworthit · 08/03/2023 22:33
Hi ladies. My cpn came over today. He isn't going to discharge me for another few weeks. This is positive, because it means he can tell the courts/judge that he is having the most recent interactions with me and there for can give an honest and open account of how I am. He phoned My solicitor personally and she agreed this would help my case. He has written a letter for this interim period to say he has no concerns. My solicitor believes if he with holds supervised visits before the court date he will be doing himself no favours at all. My cpn also told me that in his notes he has written that in his professional opinion my ex is mentally unstable (he has been pestering my cpn every few days for the past few weeks, since I told him I wanted to leave, however not once in over 3 years before I wanted to split was he concerned). Also that he is bring coercive, he is controlling, and the fact he sleeps in a shed 🤣🤣!! My cpn has Been brilliant throughout this whole thing. It's a case of playing the long game at the moment, I can't do anything to jeopardise seeing my kids. This is night 7. I last saw them a week ago tomorrow at around 11. I will not let him break me. He is using every tactic he can think of.
Go to post Iamworthit · 09/03/2023 11:33
cpphelp · 09/03/2023 08:03
The update about your CPN is fantastic. You are doing everything right. I think you're amazing, and all of this will be working in your favour. Maybe once all of this is over, they will insist on supervised visits only for him! How's the house coming along? Charity shops and the British heart foundation furniture shops are great for filling up a house xx
Thankyou. Yes my cpn has been great! Every second that goes by is another second without seeing my children, but it's also one second closer to getting them back in My arms.
Today marks a whole week since I last saw, held, played with, cuddled or even talked to my beautiful babies.
Go to post Iamworthit · 13/03/2023 20:34
UPDATE So, I got to see them this weekend!!! Supervised with my mum present at his request, but after 9 long days I finally got to see them, hold them, tell them I love them and they didn't forget me! ❤️ They loved the house, and their new bedroom 🤗 it was magic!
I'm hopeful for more contact this week which solicitor is hoping to negotiate. I'm STILL waiting for my letter from the CPN!. He was told by his manager to go through the NHS solicitors to make the letter water tight so that ex/his solicitors can't pick holes in it, so I'm actually waiting on the NHS solicitors now, its frustrating... They have had a similar case happen before, so want to do as much for me as possible.
However, ex agreed to contact this weekend, both days, due to my CPN speaking on the phone with my solicitor, and informing her I am well, capable, of sound mind, has seen me / spoken to me every few days since ex started with these mind games a month ago.
The kids were very anxious about going back to him, which was heartbreaking, but at the very least they know I'm always here, I have a safe home and I'm going to fight for their right to be with me, their mum.
Thankyou for all your support ladies. The first "urgent" hearing is next week, and then it's dealing with cafcass, social services etc for the next (and hopefully final) hearing in 2 months time where we will find out the child arrangements order.
Still a bloody long way to go till this is sorted, I don't trust that he won't do anything he can to get at me. He is already disputing the kids living with me and now my benefits may be stopped or suspended until this is sorted, which is just another form of him trying to control me.
I will never go back to him. I have lost all respect, faith, trust and any love I had for him is well and truly gone. He was able to hide behind clever words, confuse me, manipulate me and control me for far too long.
I hope the kids will forgive me for this upheaval in their lives, and I hope beyond all hope that they are back with me on a regular basis and that the judge can see him for what he is and that his actions have impacted our children's emotional well being significantly. But, until I have the judges decision, I know I won't take anything for granted. Anything could happen and now I know ex is capable of this, he could be capable of more and throw something else at me.
As always, thanks for checking in on me and your support xxx
Iamworthit · Yesterday 18:44
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · Yesterday 10:33
@Iamworthit your court case is Tuesday I think? How are you doing? Have you seen your children again?
Hi, nice username, dd2 loves hungry caterpillar!
I saw them once in the week aswell as yesterday and today. All had to be supervised by my mum, despite his solicitor confirming she sent him the letter from my CpN on Tuesday lunchtime, and me also sending him a message to say he now has it. However this letter he so desperately said he needs for me to have unsupervised and overnight visits he hasn't even responded to. I'm presuming he is waiting till court on Tuesday.
Yesterday the girls informed me that daddy left them at a strange woman's house whilst he went to work...
The time has been wonderful and I've really treasured every moment. Yesterday my one year old was in desperate need of a nap, he snuggled up to me in our new king-size bed in our new house and he slept peacefully for well over 2 hours. I feel so blessed to be their mummy and am thrilled at how comfortable they have been when back with me for these times. If anyone reads this in the future going through something similar - they don't forget you. That was my biggest fear, but I have more faith now that the bond between a mother and her children will always be there, no matter what or who stands in the way. Love is love.
So, our new magic house (the girls named it) is empty again for now. I'm just counting down the time until Tuesday afternoon and hoping/praying/wishing/ that the judge sees him for what he is and what he has put the children through. My solicitor is hopeful, but obviously no one knows what's going to happen on the day. I never thought my ex was capable of what he has done, but here we are.
I hope everyone has had a lovely mother's day 💗
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 11:18
Thankyou for all your messages and words of support for tomorrow. The police know everything, they did their welfare check on the children whilst he was staying at his parents house in their old country farm house with the attatched holiday home for them to stay in surrounded by their 40 acres of land. Not in the home where he and I lived with his shed at the bottom of the garden and no doubt chaos in the house where for the first time he is having to do all housework, laundry and cooking. They have been back at his for almost 2 weeks now. I have found a small comfort in them choosing games on their tablets and me getting the notification to approve their choices. The fact that I left with barely anything means they have the majority of their toys there, beds, tv etc and to them it was our home where we all lived together so at least they have familiarity. Cafcass will probably be doing a Section 7 report in which case they will meet with us and the kids in both houses so can make their own assessments from that.
They love our new house and I've explained to them the benefits of two houses, bedrooms, toys, Christmas, birthdays etc. They are being so resilient and brave through it all. I'm hoping for them it's just been a bit of an adventure.
The children filled me in on their day at the 'stranger ladies' house, where there was other children, guinea pigs a cat and a dog. They watched telly and played with the other kids and the animals and they gave dd2 a dress she particularly liked. They were very animated about it. I guess at the very least they had fun, I imagine they've been pretty bored with him. We had to drive past his house and up the road next to ex's house to get to mine yesterday and dd1 proudly pointed out 'that ladies house'. Would you believe it's almost directly behind his house!! For all I know he's been seeing this woman behind my back. She could have been hopping over the fence every night and going into his shed for all I know. I can't believe this is my life right now, you couldn't make it up. But as I've come to learn the hard way I certainly can't trust him, and I won't put anything past him.
Literally just counting down till tomorrow now.
X
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 13:28
I have no idea who she is. I did however do a Facebook search of the local "Andreas" in the area and the kids pointed to who she was and pointed to the children who they recognised. It took all of about 60 seconds to find her. And the kids named the kids correctly to what she had shared publicly on her fb page. There's even a picture of her 'cheers-ing' her primary aged son both of them holding glasses of red wine. I've taken screenshots. Her name isn't on any registered childminder lists.
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 13:29
ThreeLocusts · Today 12:12
Will light a candle for you tonight. You've kept it together amazingly through all this. Here's hoping your kids will be back with you tomorrow.
Thankyou x
Go to post ADVERTISEMENT
Iamworthit · Today 13:41
Ilovethewild · Today 13:10
Op, stay true to yourself and your children.
don’t get caught up with what ex is doing/seeing/sleeping with. It is irrelevant! You can’t control it and the kids are ok. It will just muddy the waters. As others say it’s another twist from ex to distract you and send you off the rails.
focus on what you can do and what’s in the childrens best interest.
good luck with tomorrow, I hope the kids come home to you asap.
I genuinely don't care what he's up to relationship wise, I've been hoping he'd find someone else for a long time and leave me alone.
What I do care about is him leaving the kids with someone they don't know for whatever reason, when I'm round the corner desperate to see them, and him thinking he can do whatever he likes without any consideration for them, me or my mum who's had to drop everything (shes been brilliant in all this) without question, to supervise time for me to have my own children.
I will definitely be asking for first refusal of child care as some other posters have suggested.
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 13:42
Sunriseinwonderland · Today 13:20
My ex hid him for a month. DS was desperate to see me. My ex is a very wicked man.
Show quote history That's despicable. I'm so sorry x
Go to post Iamworthit · Today 19:19
Tomorrow is an urgent hearing to sort out the interim child arrangements before the first official hearing in May after cafcass have done their reports. It's possible there will be another 2 Hearings after that and this could take anywhere from 6 months up to a year to resolve.
Because he did a runner with the kids first, filed a Prohibited Steps Order to stop them living with me because he is saying I'm mentally unstable.
Best case scenario they return to live with me and the judge sees through his controlling behaviour and that he doesn't have the kids best interests at heart. Worst case scenario it stays as it is.
I suspect he has something else up his sleeve to throw at me tomorrow. Its clear he wants me to suffer as much as possible.
2023.03.20 20:32 Next_Cover_4746 I really hate my dad and feel guilty about it
I just need to get this off my chest because it feels like it's about to explode. I hope this doesn't bother anyone.
I'm in my late 30s now, and I grew up with a father who never really showed me love. He wasn't abusive or anything and always provided for our family. It felt like that was all he really did: Provide. And for that, I am still grateful.
However, growing up, I always felt like I had to prove my worth to him. I wasn't shown any type of encouragement or love at home. When I was learning how to write, he only sat with me once for english homework and said if I got an answer wrong, he would pinch me as a consequence. In high school, when I tried playing my first basketball game in school and our team lost by 30+ points, he was one of the first to leave our bleachers and just waited for me in the car. Once after picking me up from school, he punched me in the face when I made a comment about him always complaining about his boss in the car. When I got into my first relationship during my rebellious years with someone my parents didn't approve of, he told my sister he was ready to disown me. Most conversations with him revolved around how good and lauded he was as a student, player, employee, pianist, and manager over the years.
I pursued graduate school and made a name for myself as a good professional. Throughout the years of visiting the rents, I began noticing a lot of little disturbing behaviors towards my mom. He would always interrupt her mid-sentence just to correct her grammar even if other people were around. He would also mock her way of speaking at times. I was starting to resent him. He would also only post about his doting staff on social media. We only came in second place.
He had a stroke, and years later, he underwent heart bypass surgery. So now he is disabled and very fragile. We have a rule about not causing him any stress, which could lead to a sudden heart attack or death. I stayed the 'rents during the pandemic because he needed 24/7 care. But I couldn't help but NOT feel sorry for him. He was always spoiled by my mom and relied so heavily on her (for food, for company, etc.) and she was starting to suffer and would rant to me all the time about how he never helps himself get around. He wakes up, watches TV, waits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner to be served to him, pees, poops, and sleeps. He is awkward with conversations and doesn't know how to connect with any of us. He coughs and sneezes without covering his mouth on the dinner table, and no one is allowed to call him out. Because "he is fragile" and "sick" with only 1/4 of his heart functioning. He freaks out over the smallest things and also orders everyone around to do the smallest things like getting him a glass of water when he could still easily do it himself. He acts entitled to everything after retirement and it feels like a prison. I feel deeply sad for my mom, who is seemingly now reduced to acting like a maid. I've never seen them kiss and hug for the last 20 years. I swear.
Today, our cat escaped momentarily, and he flew into a verbal rage towards me, cussing at me for not locking the door properly. I snapped back after losing my temper, and he yelled at the top of his lungs, asking what kind of person I was. I walked away, leaving him still yelling at me. I extended an olive branch five hours later by ordering some take-out food for him. He yelled that he didn't want my food.
I'm angry and hurt. Perhaps, past resentment. I hate him but feel so guilty about feeling this way. How do I cope with this? I want to leave, but I keep thinking about my mother.
submitted by Next_Cover_4746 to FamilyIssues [link] [comments]
I'm in my late 30s now, and I grew up with a father who never really showed me love. He wasn't abusive or anything and always provided for our family. It felt like that was all he really did: Provide. And for that, I am still grateful.
However, growing up, I always felt like I had to prove my worth to him. I wasn't shown any type of encouragement or love at home. When I was learning how to write, he only sat with me once for english homework and said if I got an answer wrong, he would pinch me as a consequence. In high school, when I tried playing my first basketball game in school and our team lost by 30+ points, he was one of the first to leave our bleachers and just waited for me in the car. Once after picking me up from school, he punched me in the face when I made a comment about him always complaining about his boss in the car. When I got into my first relationship during my rebellious years with someone my parents didn't approve of, he told my sister he was ready to disown me. Most conversations with him revolved around how good and lauded he was as a student, player, employee, pianist, and manager over the years.
I pursued graduate school and made a name for myself as a good professional. Throughout the years of visiting the rents, I began noticing a lot of little disturbing behaviors towards my mom. He would always interrupt her mid-sentence just to correct her grammar even if other people were around. He would also mock her way of speaking at times. I was starting to resent him. He would also only post about his doting staff on social media. We only came in second place.
He had a stroke, and years later, he underwent heart bypass surgery. So now he is disabled and very fragile. We have a rule about not causing him any stress, which could lead to a sudden heart attack or death. I stayed the 'rents during the pandemic because he needed 24/7 care. But I couldn't help but NOT feel sorry for him. He was always spoiled by my mom and relied so heavily on her (for food, for company, etc.) and she was starting to suffer and would rant to me all the time about how he never helps himself get around. He wakes up, watches TV, waits for breakfast, lunch, and dinner to be served to him, pees, poops, and sleeps. He is awkward with conversations and doesn't know how to connect with any of us. He coughs and sneezes without covering his mouth on the dinner table, and no one is allowed to call him out. Because "he is fragile" and "sick" with only 1/4 of his heart functioning. He freaks out over the smallest things and also orders everyone around to do the smallest things like getting him a glass of water when he could still easily do it himself. He acts entitled to everything after retirement and it feels like a prison. I feel deeply sad for my mom, who is seemingly now reduced to acting like a maid. I've never seen them kiss and hug for the last 20 years. I swear.
Today, our cat escaped momentarily, and he flew into a verbal rage towards me, cussing at me for not locking the door properly. I snapped back after losing my temper, and he yelled at the top of his lungs, asking what kind of person I was. I walked away, leaving him still yelling at me. I extended an olive branch five hours later by ordering some take-out food for him. He yelled that he didn't want my food.
I'm angry and hurt. Perhaps, past resentment. I hate him but feel so guilty about feeling this way. How do I cope with this? I want to leave, but I keep thinking about my mother.
2023.03.20 20:29 FreakishDecay Can anyone with any knowledge of mental health problems help me figure out what these are indicative of please. Several of my friends with diagnosed personality disorders think I could have one so I'd appreciate a 2nd opinion
So, before anyone tells me that I need to see a proper psychiatrist, I plan on going private but currently cannot afford it, but would like some starting point. And for some context there was sexual and emotional abuse in childhood, and instability with my living situation and my mums romantic partners.
submitted by FreakishDecay to personalitydisorders [link] [comments]
- Paranoia- Constantly feeling as though I'm being watched and followed. Or as though people are talking negatively about me and judging me.
- Chronic heightened anxiety that doesn't lessen with familiarity.
- Homicidal and Suicidal Ideation- Constant thoughts of harming/killing myself and others (and animals) and knowing how I'd do it
- No motivation or drive to do well and succeed
- Unstable future plans-shifting career plans, wanting to be a doctor one week, author the next, embalmer, unsure whether I'm going to be alive to see them through.
- Very few childhood memories - no solid childhood,trouble telling the difference between dream and memories. Hazy and vague memories before age 13
- Poor perception of time- trouble telling whether it's been 10 minutes or one hour
- Chronic feelings of emptiness- feeling unfulfilled and incomplete
- Obsession with gore/death/violence from a young age- (Intense obsession with graphic gore and violence and will hunt videos out)
- Being indifferent/apathetic towards all kinds of relationships (familial, platonic, sexual or romantic) and not actively wanting them
- Low empathy and sympathy- not being able to feel emotions for other people
- Chronic low self esteem- but desires to be admired and idolised.
- Self Harm- biting, hitting or cutting
- Difficulty showing and receiving affection
- Inappropriate emotional response-pulled a knife on someone for changing the TV channel
- Inability to feel sad regarding death beit family or pet.
- Intense connection to fictional characters to the point of trying to become and imitate them.
- Doesn't care about people's feelings or opinions unless they reflect me in a negative light.
- Emotionally dependent on music -will become unstable and irritable and paranoid without
- Shallow opinions- won't express my own opinions and will say what the other people want so they continue to be on my side
- Shallow emotions- Very few strong emotions, emotions feel more like a performance than an actual feeling- only strong emotions are shame, anxiety and humiliation. Aswell as pride (mainly in intelligence) and judgement
- Chronic boredom
- Cannibalistic fantasies.
- Can't deal with people being better than me, especially in areas I enjoy or am good at
- Won't carry on with something if I'm not amazing at it straight away
- Paraphilic and disordered sexual fantasies- necrophilia, erotophonophilia etc- causes shame and disgust in self
- Feels worthless and suicidal when insulted- when personally insulted I will start to feel worthless and oftentimes suicidal; I need people to admire and feel proud of me or in awe of me
- Needs approval and validation from educational and familial authority
- Won't be part of a group unless I know that at least on person has a high opinion of me
2023.03.20 20:28 hwbysiwmdf 😘👉👌 IF YOU TAP YOU WILL CUM 🍆💦
 | submitted by hwbysiwmdf to s2i33x6nha [link] [comments] IF YOU TAP HERE YOU WILL CUMIF YOU TAP HERE YOU WILL CUMIF YOU TAP HERE YOU WILL CUMhttps://i.redd.it/lbrk1we34yoa1.gifIve always thought of ways to get over and use situations to my advantage but never thought id be so good at getting anything....and i do mean anything. When i was about 5 or so my parents split up and i had no choice but to live with my father, because my mother re-married being pregnant with another mans baby and all. I would go over from time to time and grew up seeing my stepsister blossum in every dirrection. Which brings me to the present. Its now been fifteen years since Alexa was born and boy is she sexy. She's 5'6'' 38DD-34-40 Strawberry Blonde long hair hazel eyes and is a voluptuous 168 lb. Oh My God does she turn me on, I stare alot and peep in on her when shes showering when i know nobody is home. Shes the hotest 15 year old ive ever seen and i know she drives every man crazy. One day i saw her prancing around in half our mothers lingerie i say only half because all she was wearing was moms black garter belt and stilletos and one of her own bras and no panties. This shocked the hell out me because she shaved he pussy for the first time this very day. It looked so soft and delicious. I watched from the crack in the door and slowly jerked my rod as she bent over and posed in the mirror. When she began to rub her fat juicy pussy lips and sat down on the edge of moms bed. Damm she was wet almost dripping from the looks of it mmmmmmmm.....I wanted to eat her and fuck her so bad but i knew she would never go for it...Thats when i got the idea to make her so i ran quitly to get my video camera and video taped every minute of her hour long finger play. I watched the tape i made over and over waiting for the right moment. So when the day my mom and her husband went away and asked me to house sit while alexa was still going to school. I jumped at the chance with dark sexual intentions and i wouldnt wait long. I waited for alexa to come home from school that day. She walked gave me a hug and said were going to have so much fun, what she didnt know was she was so true. She went to her room to do home work while i set my plan into action. I collected all the cordless phones in the house and hid them just in case, locked all the doors, popped the video in sitting down on the couch and yelled out for alexa to come watch a movie with me. Alexa replied, "hope you got something good to watch I'll be right there". LOL....She walked in the room book in hand and sat down on the couch next to me not even looking at the TV. She slowly lifted her head and said, "whats this a porno". I smiled and said, "yeah you dont mind do you" to which she said "No". Thats when she realized it was her and boy was she mad. Alexa- "what the fuck, your spying on me and taping me in my private moments". " You asshole I'm calling Mom". "WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PHONES YOU SICK BASTARD". ME-" I have them but aren't you forgetting something Alexa". Alexa- "and whats that you pervert, shut that shit off" Me- "You dont want your mom or dad to know what you do in thier room, in moms lingerie do you". Alexa- " no, so what does that mean your not going to tell them" "then why did you record me just to stroke your meat too or share with your friends". Me- " you better watch your attitude...." "I wont say anything but you have to do something for me alexa". Alexa- "Do you blame me for being pissed off..." "what do you want from me my savings and money....WHAT" Me- "NO MONEY.....TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES NOW AND SUCK MY DICK AND TAPE IS YOURS" Alexa- with tears running down her cheeks "Your sick but if i blow you will you say nothing and i get the tape" "but ive never" ME- "YES", "TRY YOU'LL DO FINE" Crying she started to take her shirt off her big body revealing mountains of bra covered tits. Watching them bounce free of her shirt my cock stired in my shorts. As she unbuttoned her pants which were way to tight for her phatt ass and plump thick thighs and wide hips. God it was such a turn on to see her peel those pants off. With her standing in her black bra and white granny panties she began to cry more as she reached behind her to unhook her over the shoulder bolder holder. Her tits are so full and perky that when she unhooks ther strap the bra praticually bounce free to the floor. My god with her melon heavy breasts out i couldnt wait i almost came right there. So i order her to stop and come here. Thats when she slowly came over i grabbed her tits with my hands rubbing them, squeezing them and made her feed them to me. They were wet and salty from her tears as i licked and sucked on her eraser thick nipples. They made me hornier so i made her kiss me whcich she wanted no part of, but i did it anyway bitting her lower lip hard she squeal and shutter. She said "no, please stop" so i told her to take my shorts off now and fill her mouth with my dick and will all be over". Slowly she inched them down side by side as my cock popped out smacked her in her chin. She moved back and didnt know what to think seeing her first big dick live and moving around. I told her to take it in her hand and move her hadn up and down. She didnt want to so i grabber her hand and did it for her. "If you want the tape lick it an slide you mouth over it up and down", i ordered her. She was scared and shacking when she licked the head and slide her mouth down it and gagged. She moved back and said "its not going to fit", I asured her it will and told her "if you gag keep going at it and it will go in better". Knowing I had to help again i grabbed her by her long hair and pulled her face down onto my cock and said, "OPEN UP"!!!!!! I pushed her head down till she gagged then pulled her off then did it again and again till she got the picture and did it on her own. I had her wrap her tits on both sides and titty fucked her while she sucked at it. Dammm it was so good, I shot load after load in her mouth but alot came out onto her tits which made me cum more. There she was practicually naked and her mouth, throat and tits covered in cum when she said "were done right". I just smiled and said, "Hell no we've just begun"!!!!!!!! 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2023.03.20 20:28 wnesceitmx 😘👉👌 IF YOU TAP YOU WILL CUM 🍆💦
 | submitted by wnesceitmx to 6sn2qzbesd [link] [comments] IF YOU TAP HERE YOU WILL CUMIF YOU TAP HERE YOU WILL CUMIF YOU TAP HERE YOU WILL CUMhttps://i.redd.it/ddl50m114yoa1.gifThe first rays of sunlight hit my eyes. Through barely opened eyes, I saw the blurred line of Marie's body against the sunlit window, the curve from her knee crossed over the other, working up her hip and then back down her waist. The curves continuing up her body, the sudden fall off of her neck and then her face, Aphrodite incarnate. Her eyes closed, mouth slightly agape, soft breathing. The sun was glowing on her face. My hand worked along her skin, feeling her warmth against my palm. My hand worked across her flat stomach, feeling her belly button beneath my finger tips, working down just above her mound, my palm flat against her, for some reason it intrigued me and made me feel something knowing part of me was deep inside of her under my palm. Knowing that just hours prior, my cock had been in her very depths spreading my effluence inside of her. Knowing full well that what came from me could be joining with her at this very moment. I felt my cock stir at that thought. So young and yet the thought of this sinful deed stirred the embers in my loins. Marie suddenly shifted, she lay on her back, one leg bent at the knee, propping up the blankets as they rode lower on her body. Her breasts trying to split apart to either side of her, nipples, trying to hide and yet a noticeable terrain shift on her glorious mountains. The peak of which sat propped above the rest, begging for attention, knowing they would harden and grow at my very touch. The blankets were stationed to end just above where her legs met, seeing just the top of her slit, the smoothness of her mound, her flat stomach meeting seamlessly with her nether region. My finger tips trailing across her body, slowly tracing lines from north to south, teasing along her mound, feeling the soft skin beneath me, working along her muscles taught beneath her skin, feeling the rise of her abdomen with each breath. A finger errantly tracing beneath the blankets, feeling the start of the fall into her tasty peach which I could still taste leftover juices on my lips. I felt Marie’s body start to stir, my head propped up on my hand, the blankets around my waist, her eyes slowly opened. She stretched her arms above her head, her breasts rising with her and with her awakened state, her nipples started to react to movement. I watched all of this in silence, her eyes scanned the room and then found mine, the instantaneous smile told me a bible’s worth of information, she did not regret last night, as I did not either. She shifted her body closer to me, pulled my arm under her head, pressing me to my back and laying her head on my chest. I could feel her breathing settle, her breasts came to rest against my side, feeling a hardened nipple softly caressing my side. Her arm lay on my stomach. The silence was not tense, it was welcomed as we just felt each other’s bodies settle against the other. Feeling the match of two become one. I felt Marie take in a quicker breath “I can still feel you inside of me, I can feel your warmth in me, I know it was hours ago, but I can still feel the void where you left me….it doesn't feel right now” I looked over at her, knowing that I had started to feel an internal ache for her the moment I woke, and knowing that she felt something so similar spoke volumes to me. I did not ask, I did not hint, I just looked in her eyes and I knew. I slid my arm out from under her and crawled on top of her. She needn’t feel that void any longer, I knew the cure for this ailment. I split her legs with mine, feeling her skin against mine, my forearms the base for my body as I hovered over her, she rested her knees against my side, spreading herself wide for me. My cock had already risen, knowing it was going back where it belonged. I learned at that moment that a female body is built in such a way that it will lead a man to her hidden treasure just with her form. The legs slowly guide, leading to thighs, the curve of the thighs leading to the convergence, every curve, every angle, perfectly aligned to assist in finding the home for my male member. She looked into my eyes, feeling my throbbing cock as it pressed between her lower lips, her nectar already flowing, wetting the tip of me as I probed, feeling her lips part and close around the glans as my cock slowly slipped inside of her. Marie sucked in a deep breath, feeling the stretch as I worked my way inside, her walls so tight that I felt as if I were going to be squeezed out. Her warmth flowing inside of my cock and up into my body. I felt our bodies meet, I knew I could push no further. She smiled and leaned up, kissing my lips and sliding her tongue into my mouth. I lowered my body onto her carefully to not press too hard, feeling her breasts pressing against me, her legs wrapped around me pulling me so as to not let me go. I didn’t feel the urge to move, at full depth, this is what felt right. Our eyes opened after our passionate embrace, Marie's body shifting, her clit rubbing against my body causing her to shudder and exhale against me. I pressed harder against her, grinding my body against her, bringing more pleasurable waves through her. I slowly withdrew my incestuous cock, coated with my cousins fluids which were dripping just for me. I felt her body reacting as I rubbed her insides with my shaft, slowly inserting and withdrawing, thrusting my cock a little harder each time, our bodies starting to react as the exchange in force increased. She started to thrust her hips up to meet mine as I pushed deep inside of her. My hands bringing hers above her head, holding her down as I lifted myself up slightly, giving myself more force to pummel her insides with my invasion. Her moans growing as time went on, her insides milking my shaft with every withdrawal. I reached my lips down and kissed her neck, sucking softly on her flesh, working down and nibbling on her neck here and there, mewing noises escaping her lips as I did, continuing my thrusting deep into her insides. Feeling her juices flowing ever faster, her body was becoming electric. I felt her tense up and her insides start to pulse, throbbing around me as she cried out, loudly, not holding back. I held still feeling her body shuddering in waves, she fell back, eyes closing in exhaustion. I was not yet finished but I gave her a minute to recover. She opened her eyes and looked at me, feeling my cock still hard in her depths. She pushed on my shoulder and I took her hint, she rolled on top of me, feeling her pussy push down even further if that were possible. She positioned her knees at my sides, her hands on my chest and she started to ride me, this position afforded her better ability to rub her clit along my body as she rode forwards and backwards, up and down, riding my cock as if she were in the local rodeo. My hands on her hips, I would occasionally pull her down against me and thrust up, pushing just that extra bit into her causing her to yelp and moan. I could feel my juices start to rise, I knew I would be letting my warmth overtake her very soon. Her breasts were swaying above me as she rode, her head back, eyes closed in the pleasure she was taking from this. I reached up and grasped, my palms feeling her nipples harden at the sensations, feeling her breath intake, I softly fondled, allowing my finger tips to softly squeeze and tease her nipples. She looked down on me as she rode “How does it feel to be fucking your cousin, to have your cock so deep in her, can you feel my pussy squeezing you? Can you feel how badly I want you to shoot that warmth inside me again?” As she said this I felt her inner muscles clamp down on my cock, this naughty thought and this incredible feeling took me from near close to the edge, I let out a loud groan and she knew from the look on my face. She braced herself with her hands on my chest and continued to ride me hard. I felt my cock swell inside of her, this must have been noticeable because she was suddenly crying out, I could feel her reaching orgasm again as my cum rocketed out of my cock and again coated every last bit of her inside. Feeling a never ending flow of incestuous fertile sperm shooting deep into my cousin's body, filling her womb, allowing my seed to meet her egg, the risk of impregnating her only seemed to make the orgasm stronger. We knew what we were doing was wrong, and yet we could not stop it, we craved it. Our bodies collapsed from exhaustion, her laying atop me, my cock still inside of her, softening, my cum and her juices starting to leak around my shaft as I slowly slipped out, not caring that my fathers bed would be soaked in our combined fluids. She kissed me softly, rolling off to my side, we both lay looking at the ceiling. “I can’t help it, feeling your juices fill me up is unlike anything I have ever thought I could feel, I couldn't have imagined it would be this amazing….you have to know the risks we are taking right?” I nodded, still trying to catch my breath “I know….but like you said...one day at a time...we will figure this out….I just can’t imagine not having you, we fit together perfectly” Knowing the morning was growing late and BD would be home in the early afternoon, we slowly made our way to the shower, both of us too spent to do more than give the occasional fondle and caress, we spent more time kissing and holding each other, letting the water wash away the nights sins, sins I would gladly commit again. Mere minutes after we finished picking up the apartment of our shed bathing suits and any signs of our activities, BD walked in...I had just come into the doorway of his bedroom when I realized we had forgotten one item...the bed was still full of our combined emissions. BD went to the kitchen to grab a drink from the fridge, I quickly threw the covers over the bed...having just enough time to straighten up the comforter before BD walked into the living room. I came out and greeted him, acting as if nothing had changed. 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